Results 1,599 to 1,615 of 1705
11-30-2012, 07:45 AM #1599
A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water.
His wife asks: "What's that for?"
"It's for your headache."
"I don't have a headache."
He replies, "Gotcha!"
11-30-2012, 07:47 AM #1600
A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"
She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?"
The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion.
The wife not sure and says, "What?" The man repeats his gestures.
The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.
Well there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her, "What in the friggin hell was that?"
She replies, "EYE--LEFT TIT -- BEHIND -- THE BUSH!"
11-30-2012, 08:18 AM #1601
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?
Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said,
"Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"
12-10-2012, 06:59 AM #1602
A man goes to his priest and asks him: "Father, do you think its fair for one man to profit from another man's trouble?"
"Of course not!" Replied the priest. "Even the bible says it is wrong!"
"You're sure?" asks the man.
"Completely!" Answers the priest.
"So..." says the man, "how about giving back the money you took to marry me and my wife?"
12-10-2012, 06:59 AM #1603
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
12-10-2012, 07:00 AM #1604
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll try being a hooker.
She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says,
"Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him you charge a hundred dollars.
Any questions and I'll be parked around the corner."
She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a guy pulls up
and asks "How much?"
She says, "A hundred dollars."
He replies, "All I got is thirty."
She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks.
"What now. What can he get for thirty?"
"A hand job," Harry replied.
She runs back and tell the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job.
He agrees and she gets in the car.
He unzips his trousers, and out pops this HUGEwilly.
She stares at it for a few seconds, then says. "I'll be right back."
She runs back to Harry.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
"Any chance you could lend this guy seventy dollars?"
12-10-2012, 07:04 AM #1605
Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning -- intercourse or golfcourse --'
She said, “Don’t forget your sweater.”
12-11-2012, 09:05 AM #1606
The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went missing! The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.
During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"
All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
12-11-2012, 09:09 AM #1607
There's a man who has fifty inch long penis. But he can't get any ***, because every woman who sees it faints at the sight. So he goes to the doctor and begs him to shorten it. But the doctor refuses - he can't shorten a perfectly good penis, he tells the man, but he does happen to know a witch who lives in the forest. She might be able to help.
Because he's so desperate he decides he'll go and see her, though of course he thinks it's all a bit odd. But he sets off into the forest and sure enough finds the witch sitting in front of her cottage casting spells. "Witch," he says, "please help me, I have a fifty inch long penis and no one will have *** with me!"
She takes one look at his massive cock and then says, "You do need my help. But you must go into the forest and find the magic frog who lives in the pond. Ask him to marry you, and each time he refuses, your penis will shrink by ten inches!"
Weird though this is, the man is desperate, so off he goes into the forest. And, sure enough, he finds the magic frog singing quietly to itself. "Froggy," he shouts, "please marry me!" The frog looks up, annoyed. "No!" he croaks, "I can't do that, seeing as how I'm a frog and you're a man." The guy looks down - sure enough, his penis has shrunk by ten inches! It's still a bit long for ***, he thinks, at forty inches, but he's delighted, so he shouts back at the frog: "Oh, go on, please marry me!"
"No - I told you once!" the frog croaks, "I can't do that!" The man looks down - sure enough, his penis has shrunk by ten inches again! It's now only thirty inches long! The guy thinks this is wonderful but, still, another ten inches off would be perfect!
"Frog," he roars across the pond, "please marry me!" The frog looks extremely annoyed, shakes his head and shouts, "No ..........NO.....AND FOR THE LAST TIME.........NO!"
12-11-2012, 09:11 AM #1608
So this guy's tired of life and fed up with not getting ***, so he goes to join the monastery. But there's a recruitment test. As the Abbott explains to the ten potential recruits, "My sons, we must be sure that you won't be troubled by sexual impulses if join the order. So we have a test for all our prospective members. Take your clothes off, sit on the bench, and attach this bell to the end of your penis. When the naked woman comes into the room, any man whose bell rings will have failed the test. He won't be allowed to join our order, and must leave at once, for he will be sorely troubled with sexual thoughts while he is in our midst."
So the men, young and old alike, sit on the bench with a little bell tied to the end of their cocks, waiting expectantly. Then the most beautiful young blonde with big tits waltzes into the room and starts walking slowly down the line, teasing the men as she goes. Not a sound. Not a single erection, not a single bell rings. Until she gets to the end of the line and pushes her butt into the man's face.
Well, it's all too much for him - his cock shoots up, the bell rings furiously and goes flying off across the room with the force of his erection. "I'm sorry," he mumbles, confused and embarrassed, "I'll just pick it up and leave." So he bends down, naked butt upwards, balls dangling, and from behind him comes the tinkling of nine little bells....
12-30-2012, 04:40 AM #1609
little Johnnie's father took him to class his first day of school. Johnnie's dad pulled the teacher aside and told her, Johnnie has a bad gambling problem so don't make a bet with him you can't win. The teacher agreed. When the teacher was passing out the text books Johnny said, teach I'll make a bet with you,she replied ok what? Johnny said I'll bet you fifty dollars I can tell you what color panties you have on. she agreed and told him after the last bell he was to stay in the room and then he could guess. while Johnny and the class were at recess the teacher took her panties off and put them in her purse. when school was out Johnny stayed in the classroom and the teacher locked the door and said okay Johnny what color are they? He replied yellow. so the teacher raised her dress and said no your wrong, I'm not wearing any. Johnny asked her to walk him out to his dads car and he would get her money. so as Johnny passed his dad going to the car the teacher told his dad that Johnny finally got beat. He said what do you mean she said Johnny bet me fifty dollars he could tell me what color panties I had on so I took them off. The father replied that son of a bitch he bet me a hundred dollars he could see your pussy before the end of the day.
12-30-2012, 04:47 AM #1610
Doctor: do you watch your husband face during ***?
Lady: I did once and he looked very angry.
Lady: because he was watching from the window.
01-01-2013, 04:46 AM #1611
Polish Your English before you see your lawyer:
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange
a divorce for him.The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English pretty good, and it says:
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01-01-2013, 04:47 AM #1612
Lady: Do you smoke?
Lady: How many packs a day?
Man: 3 packs
Lady: How much per pack
Lady: And how long have you been smoking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So 1 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you smoke?
Man: Where's your Ferrari then?
01-10-2013, 08:49 AM #1613
> Have a laugh !
> Subject: Fwd: Fw: AUSTRALIAN IDIOT SIGHTINGS
> IDIOT SIGHTING 1:
> I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave
> the cashier a $5 note. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
> She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
> I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.'
> She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
> I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we
> don't do that kind of thing.'
> The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
> Do not confuse the people at MacD's in Shepperton Vic.
> IDIOT SIGHTING 2:
> We had to have the garage door repaired.
> The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not
> have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
> I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at
> that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
> He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
> I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not.
> Four is larger than two.'
> We haven't used that repairman since. Happened in Bankstown NSW.
> IDIOT SIGHTING 3:
> I live in a semi rural area.
> We recently had a new neighbour call the local council to request the
> removal of the WOMBAT CROSSING sign on our road.
> The reason: 'Too many wombats are being hit by cars out here! I don't
> think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
> Story from Bauple Qld
> IDIOT SIGHTING 4:
> My daughter went to a Mexican takeaway and ordered a taco.
> She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
> He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
> From Castle Hill, Sydney .....
> IDIOT SIGHTING 5:
> I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
> 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
> To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
> He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
> This happened at Melbourne Airport
> IDIOT SIGHTING 6:
> The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
> I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
> She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
> I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
> Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
> She is a government employee in the Adelaide P.O. SA
> IDIOT SIGHTING 7:
> When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up
> our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
> We went to the service department and found a mechanic working
> feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.
> As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door
> handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
> 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
> His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
> Holden Dealership Townsville Qld
01-14-2013, 06:54 AM #1614
Male or Female
Is it Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples...
They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.
Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS
Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
An hourglass is female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL
Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying...
01-14-2013, 07:07 AM #1615
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis.
With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolman and your brother."
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