Results 1,616 to 1,632 of 1713
01-14-2013, 07:24 AM #1616
For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase.
So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out.
Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage & no bike!"
01-15-2013, 09:28 AM #1617
In life, never look down on anybody, unless you are getting a lovely view of the cleavage!
Whenever you see a woman and an opportunity, don't screw the opportunity.
What is the similarity between doing *** & doing surgery?
Skill is more important than the instrument...
A football team loses their star player, Roger Dicks, due to an injury.
Next day a headline reads: "Team to play without Dicks."
The manager calls up the newspaper and objects, so the editor changes the Headline.
It reads: "Team to play with Dicks out."
What is the definition of a Lesbian?
Yet another Damn Woman trying to do a Man's job!!
What advice does the doctor give to sick prostitutes?
Stay out of BED for two days.
Three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands Shook.
The first geezer said, "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!"
The second old fogey one-upped him. "My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!"
The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times."
A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in. He sees a guy leaping out of the window.
Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice!
Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?
Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.
Prostitute: Hi, want to have ***?
Santa: Ok. Only if you do it like my wife does.
Prostitute: I can do it in any way. So how does she do it?
Santa: She does it for free.
Doctor: Your knees are all blistered.
Lady: Coz of doggy style!
Doctor: Can't you do it any other style?
Lady: Oh, I can, but the dog can't!
-- If it's impossible, do it!
Understanding English is Very Important
Ah Chai and his wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problems?" The wife replies, "It's my husband, he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!" "How does he drive you crazy?" "For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing." The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?" "He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public !" "Hmm, anything else?" The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control !" "Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now."
So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy and she might even leave you." The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be her problem?" The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public, looking at the floor and never going near anyone else." Ah Chai looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything he said." "What did he say?" "He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!" The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry." The husband looks sheepish, "Oh.That's what he meant. Okay." The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public." "Well, it’s another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean." The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity." "Oh," says the husband looking very stupid."And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking." "This," says the husband seriously,"is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing." "What did he say?" Ah Chai replies: "In his dying breath, he said. "Son, Don't **** up!"
01-21-2013, 07:03 AM #1618
Hunter goes to prime hunting grounds. Gets to a clearing n spots a big ole bear on the hill. Draws a bead on the bear shoots and runs up the hill to find the bear. Hmmph, no bear. Turns around the bear is right behind him. Hunter pleads for his life. Prayers n all. Bear says "suck my bear dick". Hunter does.
Next day, hunter humiliated, goes to find the bear. He does, on the same hill. What luck! Aims and takes the shot! Runs up the hill to find the bear. Bears not there. Turns around, and the bear's right behind him. Again the hunter begs for his life. Bear says "this time I want to **** ya up the ass". Hunter says "to save my life, yes".
Next day the hunter is mad as hell and bent on getting this rapist bear. So he heads out to the very same hill and spots the sonofabitch bear who has violated him. Takes aim and fires! Runs up the hill, no bear. He looks left, right and sure enough the bear is standing right behind him. Bear grinning ear to ear says "it ain't the hunting you come here for is it"?
01-21-2013, 08:43 AM #1619
A little boy is playing with his new football and a little girl asks if she can play.
He tells her, “No. These are for boys.”
The little girl runs into the house and tells her mother. The next day the girl sticks her tongue out at the boy and waves her new football in his face.
The little boy angrily points to his boy’s bike and says, “Oh yeah? Well, only boys can get these!”
But the next day, the little girl has the same bike. The little boy gets furious, pulls down his pants, points to his unit, and says, “Look, only boys have these and your mom can’t buy you one!”
The next day he walks by and the little girl promptly pulls up her dress, points to her bits, and proclaims, “My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of those as I want.”
01-22-2013, 09:07 AM #1620
01-22-2013, 09:12 AM #1621
1) Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mother.
2) How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.
3) What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everybody at the party;
A bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
4) What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
5) What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.
6) What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
7) What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.
8) What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
9) Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
10) Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
The one who can eat the last donut.
11) Jewish dilemma:
12) The three words men hate to hear most during ***:
'Are you in?'
13) The three words women hate to hear most during ***:
'Honey, I'm home!'
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01-26-2013, 08:19 PM #1622
Just thot of sharing again.....
A male patient is lying in bed at a hospital with an oxygen mask over his face and still heavily sedated from more than four hours of operation. A young female nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.
Patient: “Nurse” (he feebly mumbles from behind the mask) “are my testicles black?”
Embarrassed young nurse: “I don’t know, I’m only here to wash your hands and feet.”
Patient (struggles again to ask): “Nurse, Please, Are my testicles black?”
Finally, she removes his covers, lifts his gown, takes a close look and says: “There is nothing wrong with them!”
Patient (slowly after removing his oxygen mask): “That was very nice but listen very, closely – ARE…MY…TEST…RESULTS…BACK?”
01-26-2013, 08:20 PM #1623
One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings
attached. It'll just be one night of fun." The woman doctor agrees to it.
So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have *** for an hour or so.
Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?"
"Yeah, how did you know?"
The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started."
"Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. " You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?"
"Yeah", says the man , a bit surprised. "How did you know?"
The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."
01-27-2013, 02:01 AM #1624
Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned-cupped herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband, “Bruce! Bruce!” and he came running in.
“Bruce, I’ve bloody suctioned myself to the floor,” she said.
“S’truth, Sheila!” Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. “You’re stuck fast girl. I’ll go across the road and get me mate Cobber.”
They came back and they both tried to pull her up from the floor.
“No way, we can’t do it!” Cobber said, “So let’s try Plan B.”
“Plan B?” exclaimed Bruce, “What’s that?”
“I’ll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we’ll break the tiles under her.” replied Cobber.
“Spot on.” Bruce said, “While you’re doing that, I’ll stay here and play with her nipples.”
“Play with her nipples?” Cobber said, “Not exactly a good time for that mate!”
“No…” Bruce replied, “But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are a lot cheaper!!!”
01-30-2013, 10:40 AM #1625
You old fart? lol.
After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.:
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. “Who the hell are you?” demanded Brian,“and what are you doing in my bedroom?”. The mysterious Man answered, “This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St Peter”. Brian was stunned : “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family…. you’ve got to send me back straight away” : St Peter replied, “Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen. ”Brian was devasted, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house,
he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
”This isn’t so bad” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?” It’s not so bad, replies Brian, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”.
You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before.” Never,” replies Brian. “Well just relax and let it happen.” And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first
time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him… ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting,
“Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you’re shitting in the bed.”
01-30-2013, 10:42 AM #1626
Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living out on a farm up in the hills.
Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole.
Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a college grad-jyate."
So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him, "Mr. College grad-jyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it."
The young'n tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole."
Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree.
All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air. BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite, spreading poop all over the farm. Then, WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.
Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, are you all right?"
As she pulls up her panties she says, "Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen!"
02-01-2013, 07:59 PM #1627
A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, "Reebok". She thinks that's a bit odd and asks him about it. Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement." A bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg. He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock. "I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!" He says, "It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS".
02-01-2013, 08:01 PM #1628
A 14yr old boy ran into his house yelling "mom mom come quick, I have great news!" The mother asked "what is it, what's so exciting!" "I had *** for the first time today!" replied the boy The mother gasped, raised her hand and slapped the boy across the face. "get up to your room and stay ther until your father gets home!!" yelled the mother. An hour later the boys father arrived home, got the update from the mother and went upstairs to talk to the boy. "So I hear you had *** for the first time today" said the father "Your mother is upset, but I think this is something for a father and son to celebrate! What do you say we go and get you that motor-bike you’ve been asking for?" "wow, answered the boy, "But do you think we can wait until tomorrow, my ass is still killing me!!"
02-01-2013, 08:02 PM #1629
Little Johnny was taking a shower with his grandma.
He casually asked,"Grandma whats that?" She quickly replied, "That's my beaver". Little Johnny didnt say another word.
Two days later he was taking a shower with his mom. Little Johnny asked,"Mommy whats that?" She replied, "Well Johnny thats my beaver."
Little Johnny thought for a bit and said,"Well grandmas beaver must be dying her tongues hanging out!!"
02-01-2013, 08:04 PM #1630
A 16-year-old girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself.
Since she was very good-looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her.
Her mom said, “It’s very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him,
‘What will be the name of our baby?’ That’ll scare them off.”
So off she went. After a little while at the party, a boy started dancing with her,
and little by little he started kissing her and touching her. She asked him, “What will our baby be called?”
The boy found some excuse and disappeared. Some time later, the same thing
happened again: a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders… She stopped him and asked about the baby’s name, and he ran off.
Later on, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him, “What will our baby be called?”
He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off. “What will our baby be called?” she asked once more.
He began to have *** with her. “What will our baby be called?!” she asked again.
After he was done, he took off his “full” condom, gave it a knot, and said, “If he gets out of this one… David Copperfield!"
02-02-2013, 03:30 AM #1631
Little Johnny walks into his dad's bedroom and sees him sliding on a condom. His father tries to hide it by bending over, as if to look under the bed.
Little Johnny asks curiously, "What are you doing, Dad?"
His father quickly replies, "I thought I saw a mouse go underneath the bed."
Little Johnny replies, "What are you gonna do -- screw him?"
02-04-2013, 06:58 AM #1632
I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16.
I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No, this is my first time."
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
"Just a minute." she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.
"Do these excite you?" she asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was shake my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her knickers and sat down at a desk.
"Well, come on," she said, "we don't have much time."
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW. I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown, "Did you put that condom on?" she asked.
I said, "I sure did." and held up my thumb to show her.
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