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Thread: Jokes

  1. #1633
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    Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

    Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

    A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

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    Marital Humour


    They say that marriage makes a man dizzy, and it's true.
    As soon as I got a wife, I lost my balance at the bank.


    Men want 3 qualities in wives: Economist in kitchen, artist in home & devil in bed.
    But they get artist in kitchen, devil in home & economist in Bed.


    Q: Why do women live longer than men?
    A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!


    Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue. U r beautiful, I luv u.
    After marriage: Roses are dead, I'm blue. U r my headache, one day I'll kill u.


    Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
    You order what you want, and then when you see what the other person
    has, you wish you had ordered that.


    Man: Is there any way for long life?
    Dr : married.
    Man: Will it help?
    Dr : No, but the thought of long life will never come.


    Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
    It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!


    Wife: Darling, today is our anniversary, what should we do?
    Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.


    What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?
    'Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours, but I never told them anything!!'


    What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?
    The ones in the casinos are serious.


    When I was young I used to pray for a bike,
    then I realized that God doesn't work that way,
    so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.


    A little boy went up to his father and asked :
    'Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?'
    His father replied:
    'Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, because I still have mine.'


    Jimmy's teacher sent a note home to his mother, saying :
    'Jimmy seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about girls.'
    The mother wrote back the next day:
    'If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his father!'

  3. #1635
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    lol

    An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"



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    lol

    There was this guy who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles everyday. One morning he looked in the mirror and admired his body and noticed that he was suntanned all over with one exception, his penis. He went to the beach, completely undressed, and buried himself in the sand except for his penis which he left sticking out. Two little old ladies were strolling along the beach. One was using a cane and upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, began to move it around with her cane. Remarking to the other little old lady, she said "There really is no justice in the world!!!"

    The other little old lady said, "What do you mean by that?" The first little old lady said, "Look at that........
    When I was 20............... I was curious about it.
    When I was 30............... I enjoyed it.
    When I was 40............... I asked for it.
    When I was 50............... I paid for it.
    When I was 60............... I prayed for it.
    When I was 70............... I forgot about it.
    And now that I am 80, the damned things are growing wild and I am to old to squat!"

  5. #1637
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    sneaky..

    An old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.

    He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"

    "Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

    He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again.

    "Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

    So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again, "Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!"

    She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000... Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

    So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.

    As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.

    The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'
    "Nah," says the little old man... "Costs too much!"

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    lol

    A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.

    After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.
    The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "if neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try."
    Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?"

    "Change of plans," The physician panted. " I'm going to drown the little bastard!."

  7. #1639
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    A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something.
    "Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?"
    "Yes, officer... I know I was speeding -- but it is a matter of life or death."
    "Oh, really? How's that?"
    "There's a naked woman waiting for me at home."
    "I don't see how that is a matter of life or death."
    "If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."

  8. #1640
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    lol

    The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life

    1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."

    2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."

    3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"

    4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"

    5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"

    6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"

    7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"

  9. #1641
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    A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" The mother looks over at the little girl, "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn't polite." the mother warns. "Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

    "Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

    "That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

    "My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

    "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?" The little girl continues on triumphantly, "And... I know why you and daddy got divorce."

    "Oh really?", the mother asks, "Why is that?" To which the girl replies, "Because you got an F in ***."

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    Luigi walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe
    store twice every day. Each day he stops and looks
    in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes. He wants those
    shoes so much...it's all he can think about. After about 2 months
    he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them. Every
    Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church
    basement. Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani
    leather shoes for the first time. He asks Sophia to dance and as
    they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'
    Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Luigi , I do wear red panties
    tonight, But how do you know?' Luigi answers, 'I see the
    reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like
    them?' Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks,
    ' Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?' Rosa answers,
    'Yes, Luigi, I do, But how do you know that?' He replies, 'I
    see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes.. . How do
    you like them?' Now as the evening is almost over and the last
    song is being played, Luigi asks Carmela to dance. Midway
    through the dance his face turns red... He states, 'Carmela, be
    stilla my heart, Please, please tell me you wear no panties
    tonight, Please, please, tella me this true!' Carmela smiles
    coyly and answers, 'Yes Luigi , I wear no panties tonight...'
    Luigi gasps, 'Thanka God ... I thought I had a CRACK in my
    $300 Armani leather shoes......................!'

  11. #1643
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    In a bar a man ordered a vodka. A lady next to him said "wat a coincidence i've ordered vodka too".
    Man- im celebrating
    lady- wat a coincidence i'm celebrating too
    man- wot r u celebrating lady
    lady- hubby n i've tried fo years for a baby nd today i'm pregnant
    man- wat a coincidence. i'm a farmer for years my hens were infertile today they all laid eggs
    lady- wow how did that happen?
    Man- i used a different cock
    lady- wat a coincidence....

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    Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.
    The 70 year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."
    The 80 year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."
    The 90 year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, and at eight I crap like a cow."
    "So what's your problem?" ask the others.
    "I don't wake up until nine!"..............

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    Three nurses go into the morgue, and there's a dead man's body lying there, with an erection.
    The first nurse sees it, and says, "I'm gagging for it", gets atop the man and has her way with it.
    The second nurse says, "aye, so am I, shame to let it go to waste", and she does the same.
    They turn to the third nurse and ask her if she is having a go. She replies she is having her period, and declines.... One of the nurses replies, "He's dead anyway, he'll no bother". The last nurse agrees with this, gets on and does her thing too.
    Just after she finishes, the dead man sits up. The nurses say to him , "We thought you were dead!".
    The man replies, "After two jump starts and a blood transfusion, you wouldn't be dead either!"

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    lol
    An old farmer gives his two sons money to buy a bull. They drive to the livestock market and purchase a magnificent prize bull, but only need half the money, so they decide to head to the brothel.

    They tell the madame they want a really good time with a nice blonde girl and hand over the cash, but they ask to be allowed to take the bull into the room with them in case it gets stolen.

    Later, the madame asks the girl how she got on with the boys:

    "The first guy was a bit of a disaster, the second was OK, but the guy in the Viking helmet was f magnificent!"

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    lol
    A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to The ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

    A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will Be $9.40 please" The man reaches into his pocket and

    Pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man Says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

    The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

    Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

    This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" Asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and A salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and Places it on the table.

    The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

    "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and Found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered Me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money Would always be there."

    "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a Million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

    "That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

    The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

    The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.."

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    Two women chatting in office.
    Woman 1: I had a fine evening,
    how was yours?
    Woman 2: It was a disaster. My
    husband came home, ate his
    dinner in 3 mins & fell asleep in 2
    mins. How was yours?
    Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My
    husband came home and took me
    out for a romantic dinner. After
    dinner we walked for an hour.
    When we came home he lit the
    candles around the house. It was
    like a fairy tale!
    At the same time, their husbands
    were talking at work
    Husband 1: How was your
    evening?
    Husband 2: Great. I came home,
    dinner was on the table, I ate & fell
    asleep. What about you?
    Husband 1: It was horrible. I came
    home, there's no dinner, they cut
    the electricity because I forgot to
    pay the bill; so I took her out for
    dinner which was so expensive
    that didn't have money left for a
    cab. We walked home which took
    an hour & when we got home
    remember there was no electricity
    so I had to light candles all over the
    house!

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    A businessman checks into a very fancy hotel and tells the desk clerk that he has no meetings today and would like some "companionship", price is no object.

    The desk clerk says that he understands and someone will be at his door in ten minutes. Ten minutes later there is a knock on the man's door. He opens it and sees the most beautiful woman that he has ever seen in his life.

    He tells her, "I'm in no hurry today, let's go real slow. What do you get for a hand-job?" She says, "$1000." He screams, "$1000! No hand-job is worth $1000!"

    She pulls him to the window, points outside and says, "You see that liquor store down there? I bought that store with the money that I got just from hand jobs!"

    He gives her the money and sure enough the hand-job is like nothing he's ever had before. She does things that he didn't believe were possible with a hand. It's worth every penny.

    "That's incredible," he says. What do you get for a blow-job?" She says, "$5000." "$5000! No blow-job is worth $5000."

    She takes him to the window and points, "You see that Rolls-Royce dealership? I bought that dealership with money I got from blow-jobs."

    He gives her the money and the blow-job is the greatest thing he's ever known. Like rockets and fireworks and explosions.

    When it's over, he says, "I've GOT to have that pussy!" She takes him to the window, points, and says, "You see that skyscraper?. . . If I had a pussy, I could buy that skyscraper.

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