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Thread: Jokes

  1. #1650
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    *** - Burn Calories Chart

    Lying down: 90cal

    Standing up: 492cal

    Doggie style: 326cal

    2nd round: 824 cal

    Dressing up holding a racket after having *** while spouse knocks on the door: 5000 cal

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    An elderly Florida couple, Sam and Bessie, are vacationing in Las Vegas. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, Sam buys them, and wears them back to the hotel, walking proudly.

    He walks into their room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

    Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

    Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"

    Bessie looks again, "Nope."

    Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now?" Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

    Furious, Sam yells, "And do you know why it's hanging down, Bessie? It's hanging down because it's looking at my new boots!"

    To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Shoulda bought a hat."

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    Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas.

    The week flew by and they all had a great time.

    After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.

    The first guy says "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms and hollers, "7 come 11" all night and I haven't had a wink of sleep!"

    The second guy says "I know what you mean... my old lady played black jack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers "hit me light or hit me hard", and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"

    The third guy says "You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters."

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    True? lol.

    NECROPHILIA....
    A man was brought before the judge and charged with NECROPHILIA
    (making love to a dead person).

    The judge told him, "In 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a
    disgusting, immoral thing.
    Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw
    away the jail keys in the toilet?"

    The man replied, "I'll give you THREE good reasons:
    1. She was my WIFE!
    2. I didn't KNOW she was DEAD! and
    3. She ALWAYS acted that WAY!"
    Judge released him from sentence and advised everyone at the Court Room:
    SO LADIES TRY TO MOVE A LITTLE DURING THE SESSION!
    And GUYS, IF THERE IS NO MOVEMENT, STOP IMMEDIATELY AND CHECK IF SHE IS ALIVE!

  5. #1654
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    A proper English Gentleman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

    On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:-

    Dear Madam, Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that: 1) it had never been occupied; 2) that there was plenty of heat; 3) that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home. Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

    Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250.00 with the following note:

    Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.

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    A man goes to Hell. The devil says, "Hello, welcome to Hell, hey do you like to drink?"
    Man says, "yes, I love to."
    Devil says, "great that's what we do every Monday."
    Devil asks, "hey, do you like to smoke?"
    Man says, "yes."
    Devil says, "great thats Tuesday." "Do you like to gamble?"
    Man says, "yes, thats why I'm down here."
    Devil says, "good that's what we do every Wednesday."
    Devil asks, "by any chance are you gay?"
    Man replies, "No."
    Devil says, "well then you're going to hate Thursdays."

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    One day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots. The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?" Billy-Bob replies "Well sheriff, it's a long story!" Sheriff says he isn't in a hurry and that Billy-Bob should tell the story. Billy-Bob continues "Well sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started a cuddling. Mary-Lou said we should go in the barn and we did." "Inside the barn we started a kissing and a cuddling and things got pretty hot and heavy, well Mary-Lou said that we should go up on the hill so we did." "Up on the hill we started a kissing and a cuddling and the Mary-Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. Well, I took off all my clothes except my gun belt and my boots. Then Mary-Lou lay on the ground and opened her legs and said "Okay Billy-Bob, go to town..."..........................

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    A teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

    'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?
    'Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

    Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'

    'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

    Johnny said 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for
    a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

    The teacher fainted...

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    One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants.

    The man says "Oh just a beer".

    The bartender asked the man "Whats wrong,why are you so down today?".

    The man said "My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she wouldn't talk to me for a month".

    The bartender said "So whats wrong with that"?

    The man said "Well the month is up tonight"................

  10. #1659
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    lol




    Father's Collar‏

    A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

    The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

    The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'

    The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.' The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.' The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

    The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.

    The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."




  11. #1660
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    This isn't a joke, but i found the video amusing!

    'Badminton Sucks'

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s8urQVPgsi8

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    AWARDED AS BEST JOKE

    A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.

    As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

    Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbour , get outta here."

    The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour , it was the Japanese".

    "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.

    In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."

    Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."

    The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."



    A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.


    It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle,


    biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and drinks in the other aisles.


    Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a gentle controlled voice,


    "Easy, William, we won't be long . ... . Easy, boy."


    Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say again "It's okay, William,


    just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."


    At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says


    again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax mate, don't get upset.


    We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."


    Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries


    and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you


    were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it.


    That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got,


    you just calmly kept saying things would be okay.


    William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."


    "Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William....

    The little bastard's name is Kevin."................



    Subject: Funzines - Adult Jokes Pants vs Panties
    To:
    Date: Sunday, November 4, 2012, 7:03 PM






    Pants VS Panties....
    Mike was going to be married to Karen
    So his Father sat him down for a little chat.


    He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.
    On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.''


    She did and said, 'These are too big.
    I can't wear them.'


    I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in
    This family and I always will.'


    Ever since that night, we have
    Never had any problems.


    'Hmmm,' said Mike.. He thought that might be a good thing to try.


    So....On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..!


    She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'


    Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.
    I don't want you to ever forget that.'


    Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine !


    Mike did and said,
    'I can't get into your panties.'


    Karen said, 'Exactly.
    And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'



  13. #1662
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    An Oldie but still nice to read it every now and then! [FONT='comic sans ms', sans-serif]
    
    Many people hated it when this happens


    Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,




    'Hello?'


    'Hi, honey.
    This is Daddy.
    Is Mommy near the phone?'








    'No, Daddy.
    She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'









    After a brief pause,







    Daddy says,

    'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'









    'Oh, yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,
    right now.'









    Brief Pause.







    'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.
    Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs,
    knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy
    that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'








    'Okay, Daddy, just a minute.'






    A few minutes later
    The little girl comes back to the phone.








    'I did it, Daddy.'







    'And what happened, honey?'






    'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes
    on and ran around screaming.









    Then, she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
    and now she isn't moving at all!'









    'Oh, my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'








    'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.
    He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
    and into the swimming pool.
    But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water
    last week to clean it.

    He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'








    Long Pause









    Longer Pause









    Even Longer Pause








    Then Daddy says,








    'Swimming pool? ...........








    Is this 486-5731?'











    No, I think you have the wrong number ...














    [/FONT]

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    Familiar to you? lol.

    What Not To Say To A Naked Guy

    1. I've smoked fatter joints than that. 2. Ahh, it's cute. 3. Who circumcised you? 4. Why don't we just cuddle? 5. You know they have surgery to fix that. 6. It's more fun to look at. 7. Make it dance. 8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that. 9. Can I paint a smiley face on that? 10. It looks like a night crawler. 11. Wow, and your feet are so big. 12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger. 13. It's ok, we'll work around it. 14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim? 15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh. 16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it? 17. Oh no, a flash headache. 18. (giggle and point) 19. Can I be honest with you? 20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that. 21. Let me go get my tweezers. 22. How sweet, you brought incense. 23. This explains your car. 24. You must be a growing boy. 25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow. 26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick. 27. Are you one of those pygmies? 28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow? 29. Ever heard of clearasil? 30. All right, a treasure hunt! 31. I didn't know they came that small. 32. Why is God punishing you? 33. At least this won't take long. 34. I never saw one like that before. 35. What do you call this? 36. But it still works, right? 37. ####, I hate baby-sitting. 38. It looks so unused. 39. Do you take steroids? 40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it. 41. Maybe it looks better in natural light. 42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes? 43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident. 44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt? 45. Aww, it's hiding. 46. Are you cold? 47. If you get me real drunk first. 48. Is that an optical illusion? 49. What is that? 50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry. 51. Were you neutered? 52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents. 53. Does it come with an air pump? 54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality. 55. Where are the puppet strings? 56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun. 57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes. 58. Never mind, why bother. 59. Is that a second belly button? 60. Where's the rest of it?

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    Different *** techniques during Pregnancy ( Joke).




    Man asks his doctor,"Can I have *** with my pregnant wife?"
    The doctor replies,

    "Yes. The first 3 months will be just like normal
    the next three months you should do it like dog
    and
    the last three months you should do it like tiger….
    The man replies
    "Tiger? I don't know that method."
    The doctor explains…..
    "Like Tiger Woods"
    " Sleep with other women."






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    lol. must like.

    A little Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch doctor of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names - Bill, Tex or Sam, for example?"

    His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation.

    Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.
    For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.

    Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people.

    It's very simple and easy to understand. Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?

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    4worms in church




    Four worms and a lesson to be


    learned!!!!






    A minister decided that a visual demonstration
    would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.


    Four worms were placed into four
    separate jars.


    The first worm was put
    into a container of alcohol.


    The second worm was put into a
    container of cigarette smoke.


    The third worm was put into a
    container of chocolate syrup.


    The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.


    At the conclusion of the sermon, the
    Minister reported the following results:


    The first worm in
    alcohol...Dead.


    The second worm in cigarette
    smoke...Dead.




    Third worm in chocolate
    syrup...Dead.




    Fourth worm in good clean
    soil...Alive .


    So the Minister asked the congregation,
    What did you learn from this
    demonstration?



    Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

    'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate,
    you won't have worms!'


    That pretty much ended the service!

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