Results 1,667 to 1,683 of 1705
04-14-2013, 09:04 AM #1667
*** in the Dark
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down.... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic.
'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better explain yourself!'
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
'I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids.'
Send this to your good friends and let them have a laugh.
04-24-2013, 09:40 AM #1668
Short but sweet Australian humour
A man walks into a crowded local bar in Yarraminga brandishing a
"Who's the bastard that's been screwing my wife ? "
A voice from the back of the bar shouts back.
"You don't have enough ammo mate !! "
04-24-2013, 06:52 PM #1669
A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is. The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best. The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having *** again is even scarier so go ahead. The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment". The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants. His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on her face. She says "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!!
04-26-2013, 07:51 AM #1670
Lovemaking tips for seniors......
1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
6. Use extra Polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
8. Make all the noise you want.... the neighbors are deaf, too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!
10. Don't even think about trying it twice.
04-26-2013, 08:56 AM #1671
RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up....
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, *** without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to ***, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a Black Hawk chopper coming in over a san hill near Mogadishu. When my PTSD starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is me.
05-01-2013, 05:18 AM #1672
The local swimming pond
An old farmer had owned a large farm for many years, he had a huge man-made pond out back with a beautiful picnic area,
For years it was the perfect place to unwind or hold a family get together. As the farmer grew older, his "Oasis" was used less and less.
It eventually became the local swimming hole and while his neighbors occasionally took advantage of the pond, he rarely made an appearence.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, he hadn't been there in a while and felt the urge to pay a visit to check on things.
As he neared the pond, he heard loud playful voices giggling and laughing.
As he came closer he was astonished to see that a bunch of young women had decided to skinny dip in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond n*ked, I'm here to feed the alligator."
05-06-2013, 08:57 AM #1673
A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."
05-14-2013, 11:01 AM #1674
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below.
She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the
balloonist. "I am", replied the man.
"How did you know?"
"Well, answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip even more."
The man below responded, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "You don't know
where you are or where you're going.You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems?!!"
06-04-2013, 12:42 PM #1675
there is another version I heard in Canada;
A little Indian boy asked his grandfather, the big chief and witch doctor of the tribe, "GrandPapa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names - Bill, Tex or Sam, for example?"
His grandfather replied, "Look, grandson, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation.
Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.
For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.
Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people.
The little Indian boy asked his grandfather 'So what do name the child if on the night she was born, you saw two dogs fu#king?
06-18-2013, 10:36 AM #1676
A man walks into a bar with a large box. He sits down at the bar, and the bartender goes up to him and asks whats in the box.
The man says "I'll show you, but only if you get me a beer."
So of course the bartender gets the man a beer, the man drinks it, and he pulls out a tiny human from the box, and then a tiny piano. The little man sits down and starts playing the piano with skill.
"Wow!" exclaims the bartender, "that's amazing, where did you get him from?"
"For another beer, I'll tell you." Says the man. So the bartender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and says: "I got it from a genie."
"Really? A real genie??" Says the bartender, "do you think I could borrow him for one little wish?"
And for another beer the man agrees, but warns: "Speak loudly, he's 3000 years old and a little deaf."
The bartender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and the man gives the bartender the lamp.
The bartender rubs the lamp and the genie pops out, looking very old. "Master, I grant you one wish, what is it?" Says the tired old genie.
"I wish for a million bucks!"
All of a sudden a million ducks start flying into the room. "What the heck is this?!? I wished for a million bucks not a million ducks!" Shouts the bartender in anger.
And the man says: "Boo hoo, do you think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"
06-18-2013, 10:40 AM #1677
Money for the Dead!
An old miser, due to his terrible cheapness, had no friends nor family. Just before he died he called his doctor, his lawyer and a minister to come see him. They complied, and gathered together around his bed.
"I always heard you can't take it with you, but I am going to prove you can," he said. "I have $90,000 cash hidden underneath my mattress. It's in 3 envelopes of $30,000 each. I want each one of you to grab one envelope now and just before they throw the dirt on my grave, you throw the envelopes in."
Weeks later, the three attended the funeral, and true to their word, each threw in their envelope into the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the minister said, "I don't feel so good about this, I am going to confess, I deperately needed $10,000 for a new church we are building, so I took out $10,000 and threw only $20,000 in the grave."
The doctor said, "I, too, must confess. I am building a clinic and took $20,000 and threw in only $10,000." He looked ashamed.
The lawyer said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked and ashamed of both of you. I don't see how you could in good conscience hold on to that money. I threw in a personal check for the entire amount.
06-18-2013, 01:53 PM #1678
The robbers vs bank manager
THE ROBBERS vs THE BANK MANAGER
There was a robbery in The City of London, a small enclave of the financial nexus hub in London, the Robber shouted to everyone: "All don't move, money belongs to the corporate, life belongs to you". Everyone in The Bank laid down quietly.
# This is called "MIND CHANGING CONCEPT". Changing the conventional way of thinking.
One Lady lay on the table provocatively, The Robber shouted at her "Please be civilized! This is a robbery and not a rape!".
# This is called "BEING PROFESSIONAL". Focus only on what you are trained to do!
When The Robbers got back, The Younger Robber (MBA trained) told The Older Robber (who is only Primary School educated), "Big Bro, let's count how much we got."
The Older Robber rebutted and said, "You're very stupid, so much money, how to count, tonight TV will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!"
# This is called "EXPERIENCE"
Nowadays Experience is more important than Paper Qualifications!
After The Robbers left, The Bank Manager told The Bank Supervisor to call the Police quickly. The Supervisor says "Wait, wait wait, let's put the 5 Million GBP, we embezzled into the amount The Robbers robbed".
# This is called "SWIM WITH THE TIDE" Converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!
The Bank Supervisor says "It will be good if there is a robbery every month".
# This is called "KILLING BOREDOM". Happiness is the most important thing.
The next day, TV news reported that 100 million GBP was taken from the Bank. The Robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count 20 million GBP.
The Robbers were very angry and complained "We risked our lives and only took 20 million GBP, The Bank Manager took 80 million GBP with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!"
# This is called "KNOWLEDGE IS WORTH AS MUCH AS GOLD!"
07-03-2013, 07:49 AM #1679
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see... Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the woman and a senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: The officer told me that you stole this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: The officer claims that you do not have a driver's license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: I must admit, ma'am, that I'm confused; the officer told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car and that you murdered the owner.
Woman: I suppose the lying bastard told you I was speeding too?
07-06-2013, 04:02 AM #1680
Girl : "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest : "What have you done my child?"
Girl : "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest : "Why did you call him a son of a
Girl : "Because he touched my hand."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call a man a son
of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he touched my breast."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a
Girl : "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he takes off her
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a
Girl : "Then he stuck his you know what into
my you know where."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know
what into her you know where)
Girl : "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES
(after a few minutes)
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a
Girl : "But father,he had AIDS!"
Priest : "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!".
07-10-2013, 06:52 PM #1681
An oldie....one of my favourite....
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at
work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are
in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my
baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that **** again.".
07-18-2013, 10:04 AM #1682
One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.
By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
Why are you stopping darling?” she whispered.
He whispered back, ” I found the remote.”
08-01-2013, 07:26 AM #1683
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea", said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In the church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice ?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. "Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister.
Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed."Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin "Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice.
As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who
yelled, "You stick that dammned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.
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