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Thread: Jokes

  1. #103
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    A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
    When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
    As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
    "What dear?" she asks gently.
    "I think you bring me bad luck."

  2. #104
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gessle
    A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
    When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
    As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
    "What dear?" she asks gently.
    "I think you bring me bad luck."
    To me, this is more a sad story of an Axx Hxxx's wife than a joke. I will kick this Axx Hxxx's butt right away.
    Last edited by Qidong; 12-27-2004 at 12:11 PM.

  3. #105
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    Santa, an intelligent woman and an intelligent man all get in a lift at the ground floor and are all going to the third floor, who presses the button?

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    => The intelligent man because the other two don't exist.

    This was told to me by a female who has obviousley turned the tag line around because it was told to her by a male who had told it as above.

  4. #106
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    Quote Originally Posted by Qidong
    To me, this is more a sad story of an Axx Hxxx's wife than a joke. I will kick this Axx Hxxx's butt right away.
    just pull the tubes

  5. #107
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    The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
    "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
    "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
    "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
    "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
    "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
    "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
    "I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
    "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
    "Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
    The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
    "Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
    "And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
    "She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
    "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
    "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
    "Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
    Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?"
    "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
    "Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
    "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

  6. #108
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    Joe and Kevin are hunting when Joe says to Kevin: "Man, I really gotta take a sh-i-t, but there's no toilet paper and not a leaf in sight to wipe my ass with."
    So Kevin says to Joe: "Why don't you use a dollar to wipe your ass?"
    So Joe goes behind a tree to take a dump. But when he comes back 5 minutes later, his hands all covered with sh-i-t!
    Kevin says: "What happened to you?"
    Joe looks at him and says: "Don't laugh, buddy! I'd like to see YOU try to wipe your ass with three quarters, two dimes and a nickel!"

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    One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long.
    The other boy went over to the bush and looked.
    The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden the second boy took off running.The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally he caught up to him and asked why he ran away.
    The boy said to his friend,' My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard so I ran.'

  8. #110
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    The present prime minister of Japan, Mori, has a bad habit of forgetting what to do in crucial situations. So when he was to meet President Clinton at the recent economic summit, his advisers were quite nervous, especially since he doesn't speak much English.
    "Don't worry," they told him. "When you meet Clinton and shake hands, just say 'How are you?' Clinton will say, 'I'm fine, and you?' and you should reply, 'Me too.' After that the interpreters will handle it all..."
    But as usual, Mori messed it up. When he met Clinton and shook hands, instead of saying "How are you?' he blurted out, "Who are you?"
    A bit surprised, Clinton answered, "Well, I'm Hilary's husband, ha ha ha...."
    And Mori replied, "Me too, ha ha ha...."
    Long silence......

  9. #111
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gessle
    The present prime minister of Japan, Mori, has a bad habit of forgetting what to do in crucial situations. So when he was to meet President Clinton at the recent economic summit, his advisers were quite nervous, especially since he doesn't speak much English.
    "Don't worry," they told him. "When you meet Clinton and shake hands, just say 'How are you?' Clinton will say, 'I'm fine, and you?' and you should reply, 'Me too.' After that the interpreters will handle it all..."
    But as usual, Mori messed it up. When he met Clinton and shook hands, instead of saying "How are you?' he blurted out, "Who are you?"
    A bit surprised, Clinton answered, "Well, I'm Hilary's husband, ha ha ha...."
    And Mori replied, "Me too, ha ha ha...."
    Long silence......
    ha ha ha.... that's funny alright!

  10. #112
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    Default drum roll.....

    Darwin Award Nominees. The Darwins are awarded every year to the persons who died in the most stupid manner, thereby removing themselves from the gene pool. This year's nine nominees are:

    Nominee No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]
    An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

    Nominee No. 2: [Kalamazoo gazette]:
    James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, MI, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

    Nominee No. 3: [Hickory daily Record]:
    Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

    Nominee No. 4: [UPI, Toronto]:
    Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day, told the Toronto sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association. (Nice to see another Canadian province getting into the awards.... The Maritimes always have been heavily involved.)

    Nominee No. 5: [Bloomberg News Service]:
    A terrible diet and a room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas emissions. There was no mark on his body, and an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system.. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his nearly airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick, and one was hospitalized.

    Nominee No. 6: [The News of the Weird]:
    Michael Anderson Goodwill made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

    Nominee No. 7: [The Indianapolis Star]:
    A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, IN.. A Jay Countyman, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

    Nominee No. 8: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]:
    A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said. (Another Ontario entry..... I wonder if people are moving there from the Maritime Provinces.)

    Finally, THE WINNER!!!: [Arkansas democrat Gazette]:
    Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff county deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip on an overcast Sunday night when Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned.

    The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out.. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River bridge.

    After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged, and struck Poole in the testicles.

    The vehicle swerved sharply right, exiting the pavement, and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released.

    "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might both be dead," stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia (Poole's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck???

    (Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole DID, in fact, effectively remove himself from the gene pool.)

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    what is frog gigging anyway?

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    Quote Originally Posted by fan


    what is frog gigging anyway?
    http://www.dartreview.com/issues/11.12.01/gigging.html

    while searching for frog gigging, i've found this
    http://www.ardemgaz.com/prev/frog/index.asp
    so, be careful what one read from the internet, that's why posted that in the joke section as some maybe fictional. However, the frog giggling is a real past time back wood activity.
    Last edited by cooler; 01-05-2005 at 05:16 PM.

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    wow, a complicate game, a successful frog gigging requires two to three people work together flawlessly. On top of that one needs to know what a bullfrog looks like.

    thanks cooler.

  14. #116
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    Classic, cooler. Simply classic.

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    Quote Originally Posted by wilfredlgf
    Classic, cooler. Simply classic.
    Thanks, i enjoy reading them every year.
    For the record, here are the 2003's


    2003 Darwin Awards

    [You all know about the Darwin Awards. It's an annual honor given to the person who did the "gene pool" the most service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over onto him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it… And the nominees this year are…]

    9. A young Canadian man, searching for a cheap way to get drunk, because he was short of money to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, upon ingesting this concoction it made him ill, and he immediately vomited into an open fireplace in his house, which had a small wood fire burning in it. The resulting explosion burned his house down, killing both him and his sister;

    8. Police report that a 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home had died of suffocation. He was approximately 6' 2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to dress up in a schoolgirl's uniform. --Texts removed --- Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward;

    7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to "moon" the occupants of the other plane, but they lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles;

    6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. Details provided was that someone had reported that his father was not breathing. Upon entry the officer found the man lying naked, face down on the couch. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse, and to start CPR, she noticed he had burn marks around his genitals. ---Texts removed ---

    5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not normal qualify for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the driver's attention had been distracted by her electronic "Tamagotchi" key ring, which had started urgently beeping for food while she drove along the highway. In an attempt to press the correct buttons to save the "Tamagotchi's" life, the woman lost her own;

    4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators believe Barcia was alone, because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was appreciably greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground." Police say the apparent cause of death was as a result of "Major trauma";

    3. A man in Alabama died from a rattlesnake bite. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was also hospitalized, but recovered;

    2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of natural gas. Sensibly, the management promptly evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, 2 technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found that they were having difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses, from a building overlooking the 2 technicians, later described that they had seen one of the technicians reaching into his pocket to retrieve an object which resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of the building up to a mile away. Nothing was found of the technicians. The lighter was found virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast was described as 'not too bright' by his peers;

    1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix. Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine while Sanchez's scrotum was in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed beyond his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and it turned out that the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever, remaining in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened beyond recovery as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and he was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to leave the course.


    Unfortunately, there is no standard or an official darwin award site, so there are instances where stories are shown up in other years as well, depending on the source one get them from.
    Last edited by cooler; 01-05-2005 at 10:44 PM.

  16. #118
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    Quote Originally Posted by cooler
    Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever, remaining in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened beyond recovery as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside..
    OMG thats sooo DISGUSTING

  17. #119
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    mmm.

    This is a family oriented site is it not?? A lot of youngens come here and view the content here. I think we owe it to them to keep our content clean....

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