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Thread: Jokes

  1. #1684
    Regular Member extremenanopowe's Avatar
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    Agree?
    Different definitions of words

    1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
    Female... Any part under a car's hood.
    Male... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

    2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
    Female... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
    Male... Playing hockey without a cup.

    3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
    Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
    Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

    4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
    Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
    Male... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

    5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
    Female... A good movie, concert, play or book.
    Male... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

    6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
    Female... An Embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
    Male... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

    7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
    Female... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
    Male... Call it whatever you want just as long as we do it.

    8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
    Female... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
    Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes..

  2. #1685
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    Wife hit her husband with frying pan.

    Husband: What was that for…?

    Wife: I found a paper in your pocket
    with the name Jenny on it.

    Husband: I took part in a race last week
    and Jenny was the name of my horse.

    Wife: Sorry..!

    Next day wife hit him with the frying pan again

    Husband: What now..?

    Wife: Your horse is on the Phone.

  3. #1686
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    A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

    The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks "What did you do?". The woman says "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."

    A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Priest: "What did you do?" Man: "I committed adultery." Priest:"How many times?" Man: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."

    The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.

    A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Rabbi: "What did you do?" Woman: "I committed adultery." Rabbi: "How many times?" Woman: "Once." Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5.".

  4. #1687
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    A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection.
    The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"
    The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"
    She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me" Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
    Later, the man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.
    Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
    "No, what do you mean?" asks the newcomer.
    "It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
    The newcomer staggers back to the colony office where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she asks.
    The man yells, "Here's my ****en membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."
    "But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."
    The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day. I'm ****en outta here!".

  5. #1688
    Regular Member kelana's Avatar
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    Default A story about complex thought (over education)


    A story about complex thought (over education)

    A toothpaste factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem. The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP (request for proposal), and third-parties selected. Six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone in the project was pleased.

    They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory.

    With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well spent. He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with projections, however, the next three weeks were zero! The estimated rate should have been at least a dozen boxes a day. He had the engineers check the equipment, they verified the report as accurate.

    Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead of the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about.


    "Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over, removing the box and re-starting the line every time the bell rang."

  6. #1689
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    lol
    How to Calm a Man
    A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

    The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

    The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband
    Seems to lose his temper for no reason, and it scares me."

    The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your
    Husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start
    Swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it
    Until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and falls asleep."

    Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor, looking fresh and reborn.

    The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my
    Husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and
    Swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

    The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your
    Mouth shut that does the trick...."

  7. #1690
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    lol
    Two clever nuns - This is Brilliant

    There were two nuns

    One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

    It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

    SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

    SL: It's logical. He wants to Rape us.

    SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

    SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. A little while later...

    SM: It's not working.

    SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

    SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

    SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

    So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.



    Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

    Then Sister Logical arrives.

    SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

    SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

    SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

    SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

    SM: And?

    SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

    SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

    SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

    SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

    SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

    SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

    SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.



    And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

    Say two Hail Marys!

  8. #1691
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    An older gentleman was
    on the operating table
    awaiting surgery
    and he insisted that his son,
    a renowned surgeon,
    perform the operation.
    As he was about to get the anesthesia,
    he asked to speak to his son.
    "Yes, Dad, what is it?"
    "Don't be nervous, son;
    do your best,
    and just remember,
    if it doesn't go well,
    if something happens to me,
    your mother
    is going to come and
    live with you and your wife...."
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Two guys, one old, one young,
    are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
    when they collide.
    The old guy says to the young guy,
    "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
    and I guess I wasn't paying attention
    to where I was going."
    The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.
    I'm looking for my wife, too...
    I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
    The old guy says, "Well,
    maybe I can help you find her...
    what does she look like?"
    The young guy says,
    "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall,
    with red hair,
    blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra,
    long legs,
    and is wearing short shorts.
    What does your wife look like?'
    To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter,
    --- let's look for yours."

  9. #1692
    Regular Member kelana's Avatar
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    Default A blonde speeding story


    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

    The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

    'What does it look like?' she finally asked.
    The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'

    The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.

    The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop..."

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    This is so hilarious. Just wonder why there are so many jokes on blondes. The Yahoo CEO is also a blonde. She is saving Yahoo now.

  11. #1694
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    An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

    They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

    He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

    The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."

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    A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.'Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic.I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'.
    'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy.
    The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:
    ' So, Murphy, how was your day?'
    Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.
    'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.'
    'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor.
    'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir' says Murphy.
    'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the doctor.
    'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a
    young gorgeous woman borsts in so she does. Like bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!''
    'Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor.
    'I put drops in her eyes.'

  13. #1696
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    I walked in to my house to find my wife gone and a note nailed to the wall. "We have your wife, if you want to see her alive we want $500,000. Do not contact the police, we are very determined. Await our call." They weren't joking about being determined. I've had 36 missed calls from them.

  14. #1697
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    HOW MEN AND WOMEN RECORD THE SAME EVENT IN THEIR DIARIES

    WIFE'S DIARY:

    Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to
    meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all
    day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late,
    but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I
    suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he
    didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, "Nothing..." I
    asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset,
    that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way
    home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.
    I can't explain his behaviour. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love
    you, too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as
    if he wanted nothing to do with me any more. He just sat there quietly,
    and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with
    silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later,
    he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his
    thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what
    to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life
    is a disaster.

    HUSBAND'S DIARY:

    A two-foot putt ... WHO misses a stupid two-foot putt!

    *****

  15. #1698
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    In the nursing home one evening, the old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting. For $5, I'll have *** with you right over there in that rocking chair."

    The old lady looked surprised, but didn't say a word.

    The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

    The old lady still said nothing, but after a couple minutes, she started digging down in her purse. She pulled out a wrinkled $20 bill and held it up.

    "So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," said the old man.

    "Get serious," she replied. "Four times in the rocking chair." ~~trip

  16. #1699
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    Sometimes I like to hide my wife's inhaler.

    So the neighbours think I'm a stallion when they hear her panting "Give it to me!..Give it to meee!!!!"

  17. #1700
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    Today I was beaten up by a woman..
    !
    .
    I was in the elevator when this busty lady got in.
    I was staring at her boobs, when she said, “Would you please press 1?”
    So I did.
    I don't remember much afterwards...
    !

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