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Thread: Jokes

  1. #1701
    Regular Member extremenanopowe's Avatar
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    lmao..
    The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 30. Go and buy yourself some underwear." Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!" Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any." The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit.".

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    Regular Member extremenanopowe's Avatar
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    Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.

    She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet.

    "Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

    "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

    Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE???"

    Then she heard a faint voice from far, far below...

    "We're down here."

  3. #1703
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    These joke has a lot of truth in it.

    An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on
    board, but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger, Holly Madison
    said, "I have my own reality show and I am the smartest and
    prettiest woman at Playboy, so Americans don't want me to
    die." She took the first pack and jumped out of the plane.

    The second passenger, John McCain, said, "I'm a Senator, and a
    decorated war hero from an elite Navy unit from the United
    States of America." So he grabbed the second pack and jumped.

    The third passenger, Barack Obama said, "I am the President of
    the United States and I am the smartest ever in the history of
    our country, some even call me the 'Anointed One.'" So he
    grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out.

    The fourth passenger, Billy Graham said to the fifth
    passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life
    and served my God the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let
    you have the last parachute."

    The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. Graham. There's a
    parachute left for you. America 's smartest President took
    my schoolbag."
    --------
    A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

    The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

    She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican.

    "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

    "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

    The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama-Democrat."

    "I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

    "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are -- or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."...
    --------
    While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
    Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his role as our president.
    The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle''.
    Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.
    The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.
    The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just Wonder what kind of dumb #$%$ put him up there to begin with."

  4. #1704
    Regular Member extremenanopowe's Avatar
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    Psychiatrist phone

    Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

    If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

    If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

    If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

    If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

    If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

    If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

    If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

    If you are phobic, don't press anything.

    If you are anal retentive, please hold.

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  6. #1705
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    Two very old men, feeling that their final days are drawing near, decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

    The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, 'Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed'. These two are so old and so drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them they won't know the difference.'

    The manager does as he's told, and the two old men go upstairs and take care of business.

    As they're walking home, the first man says, 'You know, I think my girl was dead!'

    'Dead? says his friend. 'Why do you say that?'

    'Well, she never moved or made a sound, all the time I was loving her.'

    'Could be worse,' says his friend. 'I think mine was a witch!'

    'A witch?? Why the hell would you say that?'

    'Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite. Then she farted and flew out the window. Took my teeth with her!'.

  7. #1706
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    wakaka..

    Brian had been in Police work for 25 years.

    Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible.

    He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

    After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

    'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'

    'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.'

    As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'

    'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

    Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.

    'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

    'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! ..

    I'll be there. Thanks again.'

    'More'n likely be some wild se * x, too,'

    'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.. By the way, what should I wear?'

    'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.

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  9. #1707
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    Have a good 2014. Enjoy life.
    A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt." A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your *** life?" The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless. At the same time he thinks this might be a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole." The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your *** life?" The golfer shrugs and says "Sure.", and he makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your *** life to win this match?" The golfer says "Certainly!", and again he makes an eagle. As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I"ve really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no *** life." "Nice to meet you." says the golfer. I'm Father O'Malley.

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  11. #1708
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    Geography of a Woman + for blokes with a sense of humour ...


    The Geography of a Woman


    Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered,
    half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!





    Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe . Well developed

    and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.



    Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain . Very hot,
    relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.





    Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece . Gently

    aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.




    Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain ,
    with a glorious and all conquering past.





    Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel . Has been

    through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice,
    takes care of business.




    Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada .
    Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.





    After 70, she becomes Tibet .Wildly beautiful, with a

    mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An
    adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.







    THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN





    Between 1 and 80, a man is like North Korea and Zimbabwe; ruled by a pair of nuts.


    THE END.

  12. #1709
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    One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket, takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.

    “Could you taste this for me, please?”

    The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it. “Does that taste sweet to you?” says Paddy.

    “No, not at all,” says the chemist.

    "Oh, that’s a relief,” says Paddy. “The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar.”

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  14. #1710
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    A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

    Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
    "I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."
    The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer -- brands from 12 different countries including Germany, Holland, Japan, Czech Republic, etc.

    The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know... they have frozen glasses."
    He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that chunks of ice were forming out of the air on it.

    The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres. I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
    "You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out several kinds of hot, home-made hors d'oeuvres.

    "But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...."
    "You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? Fine! Sit your ass down, shut the hell up, drink your beer in your frozen mug, and eat your hors d' oeuvres because your married ass isn't going to a damned bar! Got it, jackass?"

    And they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

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    Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
    really pissed.

    She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

    The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

    Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

    She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

    Bob has been missing since Friday.

  16. #1712
    Regular Member kelana's Avatar
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    Russian joke :-)
    At a Customs checkpoint in Poland a guy in line gets up to the kiosk and hands his passport to the official, who scrutinizes it closely.
    "Name?" she asks
    "Gennady Gostoyovich"
    "Nationality?" she asks, looking closely at his face.
    "Russian"
    "Occupation?"
    "No, just a quick visit."

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  18. #1713
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    Quote Originally Posted by kelana View Post
    Russian joke :-)
    At a Customs checkpoint in Poland a guy in line gets up to the kiosk and hands his passport to the official, who scrutinizes it closely.
    "Name?" she asks
    "Gennady Gostoyovich"
    "Nationality?" she asks, looking closely at his face.
    "Russian"
    "Occupation?"
    "No, just a quick visit."
    A newer version - just change Poland to Ukraine.

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