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Thread: Jokes

  1. #1718
    Regular Member kelana's Avatar
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    Default Magnetic desalinization process

    .
    Doctor Flamond: You see, a year ago, I was close to perfecting the first magnetic desalinization process so revolutionary, it was capable of removing the salt from over 500 million gallons of seawater a day. Do you realize what that could mean to the starving nations of the earth?

    Nick Rivers: Wow. They'd have enough salt to last forever.

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    In order to stress out the consequences of always telling lies to their parents, David's mother told him that for such behavior in a long run, god can punished him and become blind. One day David's mother realizes that he is cheating about his exam results and complained to his father

    father; Where is David?
    Mother: He is upstairs in his room. Again he cheated about his exam results and i think you should talk to him

    While in David's room

    Father: David! why did you cheated about your exam result. You should take this issue seriously if you want to grow as an educated person. What is wrong with you?
    David: father, you are talking into the wrong way..........i am here.

  3. #1720
    Regular Member kelana's Avatar
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    Wink Monkey business

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    Selling monkeys

    Once upon a time in a village in a crowded continent, a man announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10.

    The villagers seeing there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

    The man bought thousands at $10, but, as the supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their efforts. The man further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

    Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to $25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

    The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now act as buyer, on his behalf.

    In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers, “Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when he returns from the city, you can sell them back to him for $50.”

    The villagers squeezed together their savings and bought all the monkeys.

    Then they never saw the man or his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere! Welcome to the wall street ways.

  4. #1721
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    Wife is at home and texts her husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen."

    Husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water on it slowly."

    Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer completely screwed up now."

  5. #1722
    Regular Member AlanY's Avatar
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    A famous magician does a wonderful trick during a performance. A man in the audience yells out "How did you do that?" The magician warns him "I could tell you, but then I would have to kill you."
    The man thinks about it and then replies "Could you tell my wife?

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    Quote Originally Posted by venkatesh View Post
    This was texted to me just this morning.
    It's in Filipino. I'll translate it the best way I can after the original text.

    "Nagkasundo si Juan at Pedro na kung sino ang unang mamatay sa kanila ay babalik para ibalita kung may badminton sa langit. Naunang namatay si Juan kaya bumalik siya isang gabi.
    Pedro: Kaw ba yan Juan?
    Juan: Ako nga!
    Pedro: Para di totoo. O ano? May badminton nga sa langit?
    Juan: May mabuti at masama akong balita
    Ang mabuti, may badminton nga dun.
    Ang masama ... kasali ka at makakalaban ka namin bukas!!!"

    Now here's my translation.

    "John and Peter had an agreement that whoever dies first, he will come back as a spirit to tell if there's BADMINTON in heaven. John was the first one to die, so he came back one night to talk to Peter.
    Peter: Is that you John?
    John: Yes, it's me.
    Peter: Is it really you? So what? Is there BADMINTON in heaven?
    John: I have good news and bad news for you.
    The good news is, yes, there is BADMINTON in heaven.
    The bad news is ... you'll be joining the tournament tomorrow!!!"
    The punchline "makakalaban" means somebody you'll fight with or compete with. In this context, the greater joke would be if John had said you'll be OUR OPPONENT tomorrow", denoting that Peter will be from the opposing team of heaven, hence Peter will be going to Hell. That's makes better sense of a joke cause going to hell would be bad news indeed for Peter.

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  8. #1725
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    Two Italian men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
    - The two fought and one KILLED the other to have the lady.
    Two American men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
    - They both had the lady TOGETHER.
    Two French men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
    - They killed the lady to have EACH OTHER.
    Two Indonesian men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
    - The first man claimed that island is independent and took the lady as his advisor.
    - The second man swam to another island to search for jobs.
    Two Thai men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
    - The first man rented the lady to the second man for 2 baht a night.
    Two Filipino men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
    - The first man kidnapped the lady and asked for ransom from the other man.
    Two Malaysian men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
    - The lady ACCUSED the first man of sodomizing the other because she was rejected by both.
    Two Singaporean men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
    - The two men are still waiting for instructions from the government on how to proceed.

  9. #1726
    Regular Member Nine Tailed Fox's Avatar
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    Which school are you in?? Asked a lady to a kid who was standing on roadside in his white and blue uniform... he didn't reply..
    Lady noticed the kid, following days too... he was wearing the same uniform... she thought that he doesn't have another dress to change. she decided to donate some of her kids clothes to him.. Next day she offered the dress to him, which he politely denied to take it.. Then he disappeared for a while..
    After 2 or 3 years later, he came back again in the same uniform.. this time lady decided to buy him new clothes, which he denied again... lady asked him, if he shifted to a new school or was in the same school. Is the unifrom still white and blue? To which he replied nothing
    The scene continued for some years, after 10-15 years.. every 2-3 years the kid comes wearing the same uniform... this time lady approached him with some money and told him to stop going to school and do some business thus make some money... he denied again..
    that lady's husband happen to see this kid for the first time.. he called his wife and went to the kitchen with her.. the guy took an old CUP and gave it to her, asked his wife to give it to the kid.. She was surprised, why give an empty, why not pour some tea into it and give it to him.. Husband said, give the empty cup he'll be happy... to the lady's surprise the boy accepted the cup and was happy.. She was curious, how did her husband find out what did the kid want? she asked this to her husband..
    Her husband replied, that wasn't a school unform but an Argentine Jersey

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    The 2men and a lady joke is awesome.....

  11. #1728
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    Humor about the funny things in life

    Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, And Nobody



    This is a little story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

    There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.

    Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

    Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job.

    Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

    It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done

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    It's game 7 of the NBA finals and a man makes his way to his seat at center court. He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there. He responds, "No, the seat's empty." "The first man exclaims, "What?!? Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?" The neighbor responds, "Well the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first NBA finals we haven't been together." The first man responds," I'm sorry to hear that. Wasn't there anyone else, a friend or relative, that could've taken that seat?" The neighbor responds, "No, they're all at the funeral."

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    A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right. At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

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    The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. "Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?" "Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash. "Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?" The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

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    Two guys were playing golf. On the tee, Jack hit his shot way left of the fairway in some buttercups. Bob proceeded to hit and his ball went way off to the right in the bushes. Jack eventually found his ball and proceeded to hit in the buttercups. All of a sudden, he heard a big *POOF* and a fairy appeared. She proceeded to say to Jack that she was Mother Nature and that she was really upset at him for damaging the buttercups. She said, ''Jack, for all the damage that you did to my buttercups, you will not have any butter to put on your toast in the morning for the next month. No, as a matter of fact, I am so upset at you that you won't have any butter for the whole next year! That should teach you a lesson so you won't hurt my creations." *POOF* She disappeared. Jack, stunned by what just happened, called out, "Bob! Bob! Come over here here quick!" Bob replied, "Wait a sec. I'm hitting my shot and I'll be right over." Jack yelled back at Bob, "Where are you?" Bob answered, "I'm over here in the pussy willows." Jack shouted back, "Don't swing Bob! For the love of God, don't swing!"

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