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Thread: Jokes

  1. #171
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    Lol, I love the pathway to fitness one. I gotta save that pic somewhere. LOL

  2. #172
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    These are real notes written by parents in a school district. Spelling errors have been left intact.*


    –my son is under a doctor’s care and should not take pe today.
    Please execute him.*


    – please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.*


    –dearschool: please ecsc’s john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31,
    32 and also 33.


    –please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.*


    –please excuse roland from p.e. For a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.*


    –john has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.*


    –carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.*


    –megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.*


    –chris will not be in school cus he has an acrein his side.*


    – please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.*


    – please excuse pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre, dyrea, direathe), the shits. [words in ( )’s were crossed out].*


    –please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.*


    –irvingwas absent yesterday because he missed his bust.*


    – please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.*


    – i kept billie home because she had to go christmas shopping because i don’t know what size she wear.*


    –please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.*ROF


    – sally won’t be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.*


    – my daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.*


    – please excuse jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.*


    –maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.*


    Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids.

  3. #173
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    Default witty kids

    TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water? SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
    TEACHER: What are you talking about?
    SARAH: Yesterday you said it’s H to O!

    TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with “I.”
    ELLEN: I is…
    TEACHER: No, Ellen….. Always say, “I am.”
    ELLEN: All right… “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”

    ROFTEACHER: “George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn’t punish him?”
    JOHNNY: “Because George still had the ax in his hand.”
    ROF

    TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
    SAM: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.

    TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
    PUPIL: A teacher.

    SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
    FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
    SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
    Last edited by Anatolii; 04-16-2005 at 05:41 AM.

  4. #174
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nanashi
    there's tons of those pics =) and loads of gifs too... haha....
    care to share your stash of treasured hard to find, rare and special jokes

  5. #175
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    Quote Originally Posted by cooler
    care to share your stash of treasured hard to find, rare and special jokes
    never said i had any, nor did i say that you had to post rare hard to find jokes

    i merely pointed out that there are others, and perhaps if you had them, you would like to post them as well

  6. #176
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    Default the finger test

    by Mary Schneider
    BUT THEN AGAIN

    The next time you are introduced to a man for the first time, there’s
    one thing you can do that might save you a lot of heartache later on.
    And, no, it’s got nothing to do with trying to find out what sort of car
    he drives, or where he lives, or the colour of the pieces of plastic in
    his wallet, or which of his moons were ascending at the beginning of
    the year of the chicken.

    According to recent findings, you can tell a lot about a man by the
    size of his fingers.

    “Hey, just a minute! That’s not new!” I can hear some of you saying
    right about now. “Everyone knows there is a direct correlation between
    the size of a man’s fingers and the size of his ... er ... well, the size
    of his ... em ... well, his gloves.”

    This being a family newspaper, you should be ashamed of yourself for
    even thinking such things.

    According to a recent study, the length of a man’s fingers can reveal
    how physically aggressive he is. The shorter his index finger is
    compared to his ring finger, the more aggressive he will be.

    Right about now, if you’re male and you’re examining the length of
    your fingers, only to discover that your index finger is quite a bit
    shorter than your ring finger, please remember this has nothing to do with
    me. I’m not responsible for your condition – testosterone is. So
    chucking a brick through my window as you drive past my house in the wee hours
    of the morning really won’t solve anything.

    Actress Robin Givens, the ex-wife of boxer Mike Tyson, greeted this
    latest discovery with mixed feelings. “Why couldn’t they have come up
    with this earlier?” she said. “On my wedding day, I saw Mike scratching
    his ankle with his ring finger while standing fully erect.”

    I think Robin has lost the plot. It’s not the ring finger that’s
    relatively long; it’s the index finger that’s relatively short. Of course,
    it’s hardly surprising that she gets things mixed up. You would, too. if
    you’d been whopped on the side of the head a couple of hundred times by
    I’m-Mike-and-I-eat-ears Tyson. Besides, Mike’s ability to scratch his
    ankles like that is due entirely to his extremely long arms – which
    involve another theory.

    But I digress.

    In the not-too-distant future, I can see finger-length tests being
    carried out in a number of different situations. Indeed, it might be
    possible for a simple scanning device to be incorporated into a mobile
    phone, enabling you to scan anyone’s fingers in a few seconds.

    Not only will this handy device tell a woman if a prospective mate is
    up to scratch, it will also be an invaluable aid to employers
    recruiting new staff. After all, you don’t want a physically aggressive man
    working in, say, Customer Complaints or the Ye Olde Crystal and Fine China
    Shoppe, now do you?

    Of course, there will always be some men who cash in on their physical
    aggressiveness: wrestlers, boxers, nightclub bouncers, matadors and
    carpet beaters, to name just a few.

    There’s a possibility that some people will point an average-length
    finger at the overly aggressive and marginalise them. Fingerism will
    drive some physically aggressive men to extreme lengths in an attempt to
    cover up the outward manifestations of their condition. There will
    probably be a demand for index finger augmentation and prosthetic fingertips.

    If Michael Jackson can live with a piece of moulded foam latex (the
    same material that was used to make the masks for many of the gruesome
    characters in those Lord of the Ring movies) glued to the middle of his
    face as he cavorts around Neverland, I’m sure it won’t be too difficult
    for any other man to stick on a couple of fingertips every morning
    after a quick shower. And if anyone makes fun of him, he can always beat
    the @#*% out of them.

    All I can say is that I’m glad I’m a woman – there’s no messy
    application of prosthetics to deal with before I leave the house in the
    morning. All I have to do after a quick shower is moisturise my body, squeeze
    into my clothes, apply my make-up, style my hair, paint my nails, sort
    out the contents of my handbag (small animals have been known to get
    lost in there) and teeter out the door in impossibly high heels.

    If he’s not keen on prosthetics, a man can grow his fingernails extra
    long to camouflage the fact that certain fingers are a bit on the short
    side, or partially amputate his ring fingers to make them about the
    same size as his index fingers, or become a participant on a TV reality
    show – bad behaviour in front of the camera always sells.

    Although there’s no link between physically aggressive behaviour and
    the length of a woman’s index finger, another study found that women
    with “male” pattern finger lengths displayed more frustrated behaviour
    when answering challenging telephone calls than other women.

    Of course, you mustn’t believe everything you read. For example, my
    index finger appears to be a little on the short side compared to my ring
    finger, but I’ve never dissed anyone on the telephone before. In fact,
    a more mild-mannered person you are unlikely to meet, anywhere.

    If you disagree with me, please feel free to give me a call.

    Now, where did I put those blasted bricks?
    Last edited by laughable c.; 04-18-2005 at 08:43 PM.

  7. #177
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    Thumbs up do you ever get frustrated with your PC?

    This picture shows just one of the easy solutions to any problems with your pc…



    Remember the “Take a deep breath” part.. It’s one of the most important steps..

  8. #178
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    Tough Old Cowboy
    >> > > >>
    >> > > >> A tough old cowboy once counselled his grandson that if he
    wanted
    >> > to
    >> > > >> live a
    >> > > >> long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on
    his
    >> > > >> oatmeal
    >> > > >> every morning. The grandson did this religiously and lived to
    the
    >> > age
    >> > of
    >> > > >> 110.
    >> > > >>
    >> > > >> He left 4 children, 20 grand-children, 30
    great-grandchildren, 10
    >> > > >> great-great-
    >> > > >> grand-children and a fifty-foot hole where the crematorium
    used to
    >> > be.
    bighook

  9. #179
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    Default Plane joke

    A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Golden Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

    The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a "sniffing dog". His name is Sniffer, and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne and I put him to work."

    The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says: "Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search." Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for a several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm. The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the first man and says: "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."

    "Say...that's pretty neat" replies the first man.

    Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Retriever sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, "Wow. That man is carrying cocaine, so, again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

    "I like it!" says the first man.

    The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place.

    The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent "What's going on?"

    The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"

  10. #180
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default Lawyer

    Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for
    the answer.

    In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first
    witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her
    and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know
    you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly,
    you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you
    manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a
    big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to
    anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The Lawyer was
    stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked,
    "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why yes,
    I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy,
    bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship
    with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state.
    Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of
    them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died. The
    judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet
    voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw
    your sorry asses in jail for contempt."

  11. #181
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    Default How good is your mexican?

    *Bewareit's a little cheesy*

    Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death.

    They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden...

    "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".

    "Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".

    So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.

    There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!!

    "Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".

    "Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don'forget".

    "Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell of bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

    And with that...Luis races towards the tree.

    He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down is his tracks.

    It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

    "Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"

    "Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"

    "Pepe...ees not a bacon tree.... ...Ees a Ham Bush"

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    Subject: Drink Driving in OZ

    If you haven't seen already....

    Drink Driving in OZ.....

    From the State where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.

    Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

    The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into.

    He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

    At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.

    To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

    Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this breath-alyser equipment must be broken."

    "I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".
    True story...

  13. #183
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    Default Mirror Mirror

    A WOMAN comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband:

    "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well,
    they're gone."

    "No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

    His wife replies: "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to
    stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a
    headache, I do not have a headache. I do not have a headache.' It
    worked! The headaches are all gone."

    The husband replies: "Well, that is wonderful."

    His wife then says: "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire
    in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist
    and see if he can do anything for that?"

    The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband
    comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her
    into
    the bedroom.

    He puts her on the bed and says: "Don't move. I'll be right back."

    He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps
    into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

    His wife says: "Boy that was wonderful!"

    The husband says: "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into
    the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first
    time.

    The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says:

    "Don't move, I'll be right back."

    With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly
    follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the
    mirror saying:

    "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"

  14. #184
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    Default Nominated as the best short joke this year...

    A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

    "Mum," he asked, "are these my brains?"
    "Not yet," she replied.

  15. #185
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default bike racers-:).

    the different types of bike racers from the world
    in order:
    China
    Hong Kong
    Italy
    German
    Korea
    Malaysia
    Singapore
    and last but not least Indonesia...
    Attached Images Attached Images                
    Last edited by ctjcad; 05-14-2005 at 03:51 AM.

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    Default Shopping At Woolies

    An oldie, but a goodie?

    SHOPPING AT WOOLIES

    One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,
    "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

    "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money, Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Woolworth's. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars..a lot quicker than a doctor."

    So Joe deposits a urine sample in a smal jar and takes it to Woolies. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

    Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

    Thankyou for shopping at Woolies.

    That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Woolies, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

    The computer prints out the following:

    1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener (Aisle 9)

    2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo (Aisle 7)

    3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

    4.Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer (1st Floor)

    5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

    Thankyou for shopping at Woolies.

  17. #187
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default Modified/fake airlines..

    don't know if anyone has seen this before or not..just some funny pics(albeit some very good fake jobs)...
    Attached Images Attached Images                            
    Last edited by ctjcad; 05-21-2005 at 05:59 PM.

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