Jokes

Discussion in 'Chit-Chat' started by Gessle, Aug 8, 2004.

  1. cooler

    cooler Regular Member

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    God vs. the Scientist
    I just couldn't resist! Enjoy!

    God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, "Lord, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the 'beginning'."

    "Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.

    "Well, " says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of You and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

    "Well, that's interesting. Show Me."

    So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.

    "Oh no, no, no..." interrupts God,

    ( I love this )

    "Get your own dirt."
     
  2. wilfredlgf

    wilfredlgf Regular Member

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    Things people say in court

    From a little book called "Disorder in the Court"
    They're things people actually said in court, word for word.
    -----

    Q: What is your date of birth
    A: July fifteen
    Q: What year?
    A: Every year.
    -----

    Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    -----

    Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    A: Yes
    Q: And in what ways does it affect the memory?
    A: I forget.
    Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
    -----

    Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
    A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
    Q: How long as he lived with you?
    A: Forty-five years.
    -----

    Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he work that morning?
    A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
    Q: And why did that upset you?
    A: My name is Susan.
    -----

    Q: And where was the locaiton of the accident?
    A: Approximately milepost 499?
    Q: And where is milepost 499?
    A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
    -----

    Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
    A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
    -----

    Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
    A: After the accident.
    Q: Before the accident.
    A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
    -----

    Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
    A: Yes
    Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of the car?
    A: Yes, sir.
    Q: What did she say?
    A: What disco am I at?
    -----

    Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    -----

    Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
    -----

    Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    -----

    Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the collision?
    -----

    Q: Did he kill you?
    -----

    Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
    -----

    Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
    -----

    Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
    -----

    Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th.
    A: Yes.
    Q: And what were you doing at that time?
    -----

    Q: She had three children, right?
    A: Yes.
    Q: How many were boys?
    A: None.
    Q: Were there any girls?
    -----

    Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And these stairs, do they go up also?
    -----

    Q: Mr Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, did you?
    A: I went to Europe, Sir.
    Q: And you took your new wife?
    -----

    Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
    A: By death.
    Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
    -----

    Q: Can you describe the individual?
    A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    Q: Was this a male, or a female?
    -----

    Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition note which I sent to your attorney?
    A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    -----

    Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead bodies?
    A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people?
    -----

    Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    A: Oral.
    -----

    Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    A: The autopsy started around 8.30 pm.
    Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
    A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
    -----

    Q: Are you qualified to give an urine sample?
    -----

    Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for breathing?
    A: No.
    Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    A: No.
    Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
    A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
    -----

    Q: You were shot in the fracas?
    A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
    -----

    http://www.scribd.com/doc/13408/What-People-say-in-Court
     
  3. Armor_tec_14

    Armor_tec_14 Regular Member

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  4. ctjcad

    ctjcad Regular Member

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    Oh, yeah..

    (went thru all the trouble trying to find the joke cooler was referring to)..:p
    ..not exactly the same as this one above as it's slightly longer, but actually they're similar to a couple of them in the Joke thread...and this one will make it the 3rd...;)

    http://www.badmintoncentral.com/forums/showthread.php?t=17468&page=8 (#142)
    http://www.badmintoncentral.com/forums/showthread.php?t=17468&page=29 (#511)
     
    #844 ctjcad, Feb 15, 2008
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2008
  5. cooler

    cooler Regular Member

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  6. Oldhand

    Oldhand Moderator

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    Choose Your Eternity

    A politician dies in an accident.
    His soul is met by St Peter at heaven's entrance.

    "Welcome to heaven," says St Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a VVIP around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

    "No problem, just let me in," says the politician.

    "Well, I'd like to," says St Peter, "but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

    "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the politician.

    "I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

    And with that, St Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

    Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

    They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

    Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before the politician realizes it, it is time to go.

    Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

    The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St Peter is waiting for him.

    "Now it's time to visit heaven."

    So, 24 hours pass with the politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good but generally unexciting time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St Peter returns.

    "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

    The politician reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

    So St Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

    Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with rotting waste and stinking garbage.

    He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

    The Devil, an ugly looking fellow with fangs, comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

    "I don't understand," stammers the politician. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

    The Devil looks at him, smiles and says,
    "Yesterday we were campaigning...... and today you voted." ;)
     
  7. Qidong

    Qidong Regular Member

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    Hahaha, very good one.
     
  8. azabaz_ipoh

    azabaz_ipoh Regular Member

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    there was another version of this joke right? the punch line was "yesterday was the interview, today you are hired"
     
  9. Qidong

    Qidong Regular Member

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    Now-a-day, the job market is not that good. It's the employers' market. But still the politicians are making all kind of promises but never kept them. I like this version more. ;)
     
  10. ctjcad

    ctjcad Regular Member

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    Yeah..

    ..here, all we hear from the candidates are "Change, change and change"..and the people seem to buy & be lulled into what they're saying>>WAKE UP, AMERICA!!<<..:p
     
    #850 ctjcad, Feb 18, 2008
    Last edited: Feb 18, 2008
  11. ctjcad

    ctjcad Regular Member

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    Anyone up for golf??..

    ..some golf jokes, which some of you might've read before-if not enjoy..:p;)
    *i have a funny feeling Oldhand will like these...;)
    ===========================================================
    Hole in One

    As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At the age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather peculiar order. He took the usual vows of poverty,chastity, but his order also required that he quit golf and never play again. This was particularly difficult for Norton, but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest.

    One Sunday morning, Pastor Norton woke up and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
    So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.

    As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Pastor Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his church.

    Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

    At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

    God sighed, and said, "No, I guess not".

    Just then Pastor Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It was a 420 yard hole in one!

    St. Peter was astonished. He looked at God and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

    God smiled and replied,"Who is he going to tell?"

    ===========================================================
    Moses, Jesus & An Old Bearded Man

    Moses, Jesus, and an old, bearded man were out playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in the fairway but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side safe and sound.

    Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It landed directly in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped it up onto the green.

    The third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree. From there it bounces onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolls down into the gutter, down the downspout, out onto the fairway and right toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, it hits a little stone and bounces out over the water and onto a lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.

    Moses then turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."
     
  12. ctjcad

    ctjcad Regular Member

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    Famous buildings and statues in Lego..

    (okay, these are not jokes)..
    Here are some famous buildings (and statues) built entirely with Lego blocks!:cool:
    *Let's see if you guys can name 'em all..;)

    [​IMG]

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    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]
     
  13. jug8man

    jug8man Regular Member

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    2) Taj Mahal
    3) Aztec Ruins?
    4) Statue of Liberty
    5) Pyramids
    6) Leaning Tower of Pisa
    7) Sphinx's bro?
    8) Hall of Valhalla? :D
    9) Great Wall of China
    10) Forbiden City of China
    11) Gondor from Lord of the Rings
    12) Angkor wat
    13) Underwater Atlantis City? or is it the Roman Pantheon ?
     
  14. ctjcad

    ctjcad Regular Member

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    Do you think..

    ..#1 is our NGP's home??..:rolleyes:;)
    ..As for #11, gotta confirm with our LOTR in house guru, wilfredlgf..;)
     
  15. azabaz_ipoh

    azabaz_ipoh Regular Member

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    based on the pictures behind the structures i believe all of them are real and not from LOTR, hehehehehe :D plus that ruins should be machu picchu because in the pic of the statue of liberty you can see the real picture behind the structure, :)
     
  16. jug8man

    jug8man Regular Member

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    Good catch Turns out they are the Incas... not the Aztec (whom have their own version of pyramids).
     
  17. Oldhand

    Oldhand Moderator

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    Yup, right there :p
    (But the truth is, I hate golf ;))

    The other punch line is, "Your dad's such a show-off."
     
  18. ctjcad

    ctjcad Regular Member

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    Size matters!!

    ..yes, it does!..:p ;)

    [​IMG]
     
  19. cooler

    cooler Regular Member

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    that is why subcompact drivers shouldn't criticize big SUV owners:p
     
  20. azabaz_ipoh

    azabaz_ipoh Regular Member

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    hahahahaha, that's a good one. i wonder why he parked in between two big SUVs in the first place. hehehehehehe. premonition? :)
     

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