Julie the blonde was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighbourhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy-woman. The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie, "Yeah, I have a job for ya. How would you like to paint the porch?" "Sure that sounds great!" said Julie. "Well, uh, how much do you want?" asked the man. "Is fifty bucks OK?" Julie asked. "Yeah that's great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage." The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife. "Well she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied. About 15 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie. "Oh, and by the way, "said Julie, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Are blonde really that dumb ? A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions - "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?" The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off. Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?" The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"
An elephant asks a camel: "Why are your breasts on your back?" "Well," says the camel, "I think that's a strange question from somebody whose **** is on his face."
A redneck calls up the White House and tells the receptionist: "I'd like to become the next President of the United States. "The receptionist: "What are you, an idiot?" Redneck: "Why, is it required?"
If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
TRAFFIC VIOLATION. When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times." POOL STORY. A man in a swimming pool was on the very top diving board. He poised, lifted his arms, and was about to dive when the attendant came running up, shouting, "Don't dive there's no water in that pool!" "That's all right," said the man. "I can't swim!"
An idiotic laborer was told by an equally idiotic foreman to dig a hole in the road. "And what shall I do with the earth, sir?" asked the laborer. "Don't be daft, man," he replied. "Just dig another hole and bury it."
1/ Did you hear about the idiot who made his chickens drink boiling water? He thought they would lay hard boiled eggs. 2/ Did you hear about the idiot who invented the one-piece jigsaw puzzle? 3/ Did you hear about the rookie Rhode Island cop who gave out twenty-two parking tickets before he found out he was at a drive-in movie? 4/ How does an idiot call for his dog? He puts two fingers in his mouth and then shouts Rover.
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?
Dear People of Australia , Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the Economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put Workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme Will be known as **** (Retire Aged People Early). Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible For the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government Deems appropriate. Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not Be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government.. Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much **** (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The government Has always prided itself in the amount of **** it gives out. Should You feel that you do not receive enough ****, please bring this to the Attention of your local MP. They have been trained to give you all the **** you can handle.
[h=3]Bad conductor[/h] A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there’s a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it’s Texas he’s sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he’s sat in the chair and the executionergrants him a final wish. “Well” says the man, “Is that your packed lunch over there?” “Yes”answers the executioner. “Can I have that green banana?” The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he’s eaten it. When the man’s finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can’t believe it. “Can I go?” the man asks. “I suppose so” says the executioner, “That’s never happened before.” The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas. The bloke again sat in the chair. “What is your final wish?” asks the executioner. “Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?” says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair. The executioner can’t believe it and lets the man go. Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling. “What’s your final wish ?” asks the executioner. “Well” says the man, “Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?” The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark. “I give up” says the executioner, “I don’t understand how you can still be alive after all that?”. He stroked his chin. “It’s something to do with that green banana isn’t it” he asked. Nahh” said the bloke, “This is all because I’m just a really bad conductor”
[TABLE] [TR] [TD][h=3]Father and Sons[/h] There was a father who called hzis 5 small children together. As the sat together in a circle on the floor the dad placed a toy in the middle. He explained to them that he won this toy as a door prize and he wanted to give it to one of them. He asked them "who is the most obedient?" Five sets of eyes looked up at him. Sensing that they didn't understand the word he then asked, "ok, who always obeys mommy, and does everything she says?" One of the children picked up the toy and handed it to the father. "You win!" exclaimed the child.[/TD] [/TR] [/TABLE]
A husband went to work at 9 in the morning as usual. For some reason he had to be back home later during the day while running some errands. When he entered the house, he was surprised to see his wife in bed with a man who placed his head on her breasts. The husband demanded, "What on earth are you doing?" To which the stranger nonchalantly replied, "Quiet! I am listening to music!!" The husband shoved the stranger aside and said, "Let me listen!" and placed his head on his wife's breasts. He exclaimed in suspicion, "I don't seem to hear any music." "Of course not," quipped the stranger, "You're not plugged in!"
I bet after that, that stranger would be very much plugged in with live wire for some electrifying music
[TABLE] [TR] [TD][h=3]Watch the ball[/h] Mark is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since hisretirement 35 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I can't see where it went." His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take your old mate Kevin, and give it one more try." "That's no good" sighs Mark, "Kevin's a hundred and three. He can't help." "He may be a hundred and three", says Mark's wife, "but his eyesight is perfect." So the next day Mark heads off to the golf course with Kevin. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to Kevin and says, "Did you see the ball?" "Of course I did!" replied Kevin. "I have perfect eyesight". "Where did it go?" says Mark. "I don't remember."[/TD] [/TR] [/TABLE]
The government today announced that it's changing the flag to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation,halts production,destroys the next generation,protects a bunch of dicks,and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed. It just doesn't get more accurate than that!!!
A man goes to a shrink and says, 'Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?' 'Relax,' says the Doctor, 'take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?
When I was 10 - rubber meant eraser, ass meant donkey, gay meant happy, straight meant linear, making out meant 'logical detection', Cock meant rooster, pussy meant cat, stag meant a male deer, prick meant a jab, poke meant a nudge, chick meant a baby hen, screw meant a carpenter's implement and a Tit was always for Tat!! Damn! - English has changed so much !!!!! [FONT='times new roman', 'new york', times, serif] [/FONT] [FONT='times new roman', 'new york', times, serif] [/FONT] [FONT='times new roman', 'new york', times, serif] [/FONT]
My Teacher pointed at me with a Ruler & said: At the End of this Ruler is an Idiot I still don't get why I got rusticated. I only asked him, Which End Sir? ************************************************************* Father to son: why don't u just go and study? Son: what for? Father: U'll get good marks... Son: then? Father: U'll get good job. Son: then? Father: U'll have big house, new car. Son: so what after that? Father: after that U'll relax. Son: so what do u think I m doing right now??? ********************************************* An Ugly Truth: In Bed, It's 6AM, You Close Your Eyes for 5 mins... ...& it's 7:45 But in Office, It's 9:30am You Close Your Eyes for 5 mins... & It's Still 9:31 ********************************************* A lady manager of a big reputed office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into her cabin. "What is your name?" was the first thing she asked the new guy. "John," the new guy replied. She scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ...that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mrs. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" . . . . The new guy sighed, "Darling............ My name is John Darling." "Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . .."
