Jokes

Discussion in 'Chit-Chat' started by Gessle, Aug 8, 2004.

  1. Oldhand

    Oldhand Moderator

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    Wrong.
    Azerbaijan is another.

    The compilation is outdated.
    Must be pre-1991 :)
     
  2. ctjcad

    ctjcad Regular Member

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    Mid-week funnies..

    ..(okay, i'm sure some of you have probably read this; if not, enjoy!)..:p
    *Oldhand, yes, just making sure someone was actually paying attention...although, who knows, they might have another country which has the same characteristics..;)

    Why do spouses stay together?

    FIREFIGHTER: "We don't let hot spots become five-alarms."

    CARPENTER: "A good foundation is important."

    TEACHER: "Still learning about each other."

    PRINTER: "We duplicate our fine points on a good bond."

    ASTRONOMER: "We don't make little novas into Big Bangs."

    CHIROPRACTOR: "We straighten out the kinks before they become painful stains."

    ELECTRICIAN: "There's always some sparkling and arcing, but we keep our hot side grounded."

    INNKEEPER: "Warm accommodations, pleasant atmosphere, privacy."

    LAWYER: "We sustain each other."

    MUSICIAN: "Harmony is what we strive for the most"

    BANKER: "What interest us are our kids, our long term investment."

    ATHLETE: "It takes 110%, but no pain, no gain."

    DENTIST: "A nice smile, first thing in the morning and last thing at night."

    PHARMACIST: "Love is the best medicine, and we keep a child-proof cap on our tempers."

    TRUCKER: "It's a long, hard road without a good buddy."

    GOVERNMENT CONTRACTOR: "A good partner is worth billions."

    MAIL CARRIER: "Daily communication."
    =================================================================================================
    Secret Sins

    Three colleagues went to a church for a secret confession and were all sharing one room.
    The first colleague said, "Let's confess our secret sins one to another. I'll start - my secret sin is I just love to gamble. When I go out of town, it's cha-ching cha-ching, let the machines ring."

    The second colleague said, "My secret sin is that I just love to drink. When I go out of town, I like to take a little nip of something."

    The third colleague said, "My secret sin is gossiping and I can't wait to get out of this room!"
    =================================================================================================
    The Millionare with Alligators

    Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

    As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed.

    He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?"

    The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!!
     
  3. cooler

    cooler Regular Member

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    chris, allow me to add/upgrade a few of mine originals: D hope u like them


    BOTANIST: 'Love and nurturing is the root of life'

    CARPENTER: 'We are jointly glued'

    CIVIL ENGINEER: "A good foundation is important."

    CHIROPRACTOR: 'We rub off each others

    ENTOMOLOGIST: We don't make mountains out of mole hills

    FIREFIGHTER: "We don't flames each other'

    INNKEEPER: "We can sleep together in different room every nights' ::)p

    LAWYER: "We feed off each other." LOL

    BANKER: 'Real reward come from buy and hold'

    DAY TRADER: 'i'm leasing mine' (remember that craiglist Ad?):p

    DENTIST: "We were love bitten'

    TRUCKER: "We're in it for the long haul." (regular couples)

    TRUCKER: "It's a long, hard road without a good buddy." (definitely for gay couples):p

    GOVERNMENT CONTRACTOR: "Our union is strong"

    MAIL CARRIER: "I walk the talk"
     
  4. ctjcad

    ctjcad Regular Member

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    Senior's Eye Test..

    ..(some of you have probably seen this; if not, get those specs ready)..:p;)

    Senior's Eye Test

    Eye test for those over 40 yrs. old

    If you see sheep...
    [​IMG]
    ...then you need glasses!

    (and I did see sheep...at first.)
     
  5. ctjcad

    ctjcad Regular Member

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    The Number of the Beast..

    ..(okay, this one, some of you have probably read; if not, be aware)..:p;)

    The Number of the Beast

    OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast. But did you know:

    $665.95......................Retail price of the Beast
    $699.25......................Price of the Beast plus 5% sales tax
    $769.95......................Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul
    $656.66......................Walmart price of the Beast
    $646.66......................Next week's Walmart price of the Beast
    00666.........................Zip code of the Beast
    1-666.........................Area code of the Beast
    1-900-666-0666............ Live Beasts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute.
    660............................Approximate number of the Beast
    DCLXVI.....................Roman numeral of the Beast
    666.0000.....................Number of the High Precision Beast
    0.666 .........................Number of the Millibeast
    / 666..........................Beast Common Denominator
    666 ^(-1).....................Imaginary number of the Beast
    1010011010..................Binary of the Beast
    Phillips 666..................Gasoline of the Beast
    $6.66 9/10....................Price of a Beast gasoline
    Route 666....................Way of the Beast
    666 F.........................Oven temperature for roast Beast
    666k..........................Retirement plan of the Beast
    6.66%........................5 year CD rate at First Beast National Bank, $666 minimum deposit.
    i66686........................CPU of the Beast
    666i.......................... BMW of the Beast
    DSM-666.....................Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
    668............................Next-door neighbor of the Beast
    666 mg........................Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
    Lotus 6-6-6...................Spreadsheet of the Beast
    Word 6.66....................Word Processor of the Beast
    6 h. 66 min....................Beast Standard Time (BST)
    Boeing 666....................."A jet for the Beast Age"
    Beverly Hills 66666..........Beast's favorite TV show
    6/6/66..........................The birthdate of the Beast
    666-66-6666..................The Social Security number of the Beast
    6666............................The PIN of the Beast
    25.806975.....................The square root of the Beast
    Motel 666......................Beast Western
    Windows 96 ver.666.........OS of the Beast
     
  6. Oldhand

    Oldhand Moderator

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    Those ain't sheep but another animal... er, asses :D
     
  7. ctjcad

    ctjcad Regular Member

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    Food funnies for the weekend..

    ..(some of you have probably read these; if not, enjoy & have a nice weekend)..:p;)

    THE KEYBOARD RESTAURANT MENU

    \&&&&&&&/ Pretzels!

    \66666666/ Shrimp!

    \********/ Popcorn!

    ^<**>^ ^<**>^ Hot steamed Maryland blue crabs : )

    \_><{{{{">_/ Whole Fish Soup!!

    [Notice how the eyes follow you around the room!]

    [::] [::] [::] [::] Fig Newtons

    (#) (#) (#) Warm Peanut butter cookies

    \--------/ Chicken soup for all your sick friends

    (@) (@) (@) Fresh Cinnamon Rolls!

    OooOOoOooO Onion rings

    [:::] [:::] [:::] French toast sticks with powdered sugar

    =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D# Celery

    \__/ \__/ Chinese Take Out

    \ ) ) ) ) ) / (~~~~~) Chips and Dip

    @@@@ (_) (_) (_) Chocolate Chip cookies and Moo juice ;)

    (|=3D=3D=3D|)(|=3D=3D=3D|) Hot dogs

    (m) (m) (_) (_) M&M's and Koolaid

    o o o o o Single AND O O O O O Double Stuff Oreos!

    <) <) <) <) <) Pizza!

    c(__) c(__) Steaming mugs of hot cocoa!

    [|||]D [|||]D Root Beer!

    (_)D (_)D Freshly brewed coffee!
    ============================================================
    KITCHEN QUOTE

    A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen And This Kitchen Is Delirious

    No Husband Has Ever Been Shot While Doing The Dishes

    A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And Gives The Impression He Just Cleaned The Whole House

    If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

    A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

    Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

    A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life

    Help Keep the Kitchen Clean - Eat Out

    Housework Done Properly Can Kill You

    Countless Numbers Of People Have Eaten In This Kitchen and Gone On To Lead Normal Lives

    My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines
     
  8. ctjcad

    ctjcad Regular Member

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    This crazy language..

    ..(some of you have probably read this; if not, enjoy)..:p;)

    THIS CRAZY LANGUAGE

    Let's face it --English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

    We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

    And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

    Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb thru annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

    If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

    Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

    How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

    Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

    You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

    English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
     
  9. ctjcad

    ctjcad Regular Member

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    Mid-week funnies..

    ..(okay, some of you have probably read these; if not, enjoy)..:p;)

    Ponderisms

    Can you cry under water?

    How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

    Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

    Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

    Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

    What disease did cured ham actually have?

    How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

    Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

    If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

    Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

    Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

    Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

    Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

    Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

    If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

    Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

    If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

    Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

    If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

    If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

    If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

    Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

    Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

    Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

    Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
    ============================================================================================================================
    A Teenager is...

    A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.

    A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.

    A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.

    Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.

    A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.

    A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for his/her driver's license.

    A youngster who is well informed about anything s/he doesn't have to study.

    An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.

    A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.

    A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.

    A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock concert.

    A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.

    A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.

    A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing.

    An original thinker who is positive that his/her mother was never a teenager.
    =============================================================================================================================
    Carols For the Psycho Challenged

    SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do You Hear What I Hear?

    DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas

    MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...

    PARANOID: Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me

    PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

    OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, ........ (better start again)

    PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On The First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me (and then took it all away)

    BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.
     
  10. ctjcad

    ctjcad Regular Member

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    Watch the headroom..

    ..(okay, i'm sure some of you have probably seen this video; if not, enjoy..)..:p;)
    If you don't laugh @ this, then i don't know what will..Enjoy the weekend, folks!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iA3TVOsqubI
     
    #1190 ctjcad, Feb 27, 2009
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2009
  11. drop2it

    drop2it Regular Member

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    Q: Why do beavers have webbed feet?
    A: To stamp out forest fires.


    Q: Why do bears have big feet?
    A: To stamp out burning beavers:)
     
  12. cooler

    cooler Regular Member

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    who's gonna stamp out the burning bear?
     
  13. jymbalaya

    jymbalaya Regular Member

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    Smokey the bear. Only he can prevent forest fires.
     
  14. ctjcad

    ctjcad Regular Member

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    Weekend funnies..

    ..okay, some fun for the weekend...some of you have probably seen & read these; if not, enjoy & enjoy your weekend!..:p;)

    Painless Birth..

    A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out.

    Both said they were very much in favor of it.

    The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

    The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

    At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

    The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic, and she was able to leave the hospital within a few hours.

    When they got home they found the UPS man dead on the porch.

    ===========================================================
    Gallows Humor (on the current economy)..

    Just a little dark humor..funny, but scary..

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]
     
  15. stellarindia01

    stellarindia01 New Member

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    Hi,

    Its good and I really like it. Thank you so much for making me laugh.


    Stella
     
  16. extremenanopowe

    extremenanopowe Regular Member

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    Nice one...........!! ;)
     
  17. ctjcad

    ctjcad Regular Member

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    One more for the weekend....and start of the week..

    ..(some of you have probably seen this; if not, hope you won't encounter such incident)..:p;)

    Asian lady ordering @ drive-thru fast food..
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T2GAhGubfWM
     
  18. Qidong

    Qidong Regular Member

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    Not to mess with children

    A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
    The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

    The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

    Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

    The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

    The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

    The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

    --

    A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

    As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

    The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God..'

    The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

    Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,
    'They will in a minute.'

    --


    A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments
    with her five and six year olds.

    After explaining the commandment to 'honor' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

    Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered,
    'Thou shall not kill.'

    --

    One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

    She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'

    Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white..'

    The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

    --


    The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

    'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

    A small voice at the back of the ro om rang out, 'And there's the teacher,
    she's dead.'

    --

    A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

    'Yes,' the class said.

    'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

    A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

    --


    The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

    'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

    Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

    A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'
     
    #1198 Qidong, Mar 18, 2009
    Last edited: Mar 18, 2009
  19. demolidor

    demolidor Regular Member

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    Nothing to add ;)

    Taken straight from the Mizuno website today :p:

    [​IMG]
     
  20. Oldhand

    Oldhand Moderator

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    Hahahahaha... I've always held this view.
    A few of my colleagues aren't going to be amused :D
     

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