OMG. The second one, "What's is this?". "It's my pxxxx".... I thought it was one of those candid camera. That cop is dumb.
koo fan, that's a precog. you had demonstrated to me before that u are one level higher than him, ie. a pre-precog
The guy belted it out here earlier.. ..in this same thread.. http://www.badmintoncentral.com/forums/showthread.php?p=832088 (post #892)
Canada and the U.S. have different harvesting seasons, and since Thanksgiving is about celebrating the harvest, we celebrate it at different times... or something along those lines...
Middle of the week jokes.. ..(some of you have probably read these; if not, enjoy!).. ‘Good News and Bad News’ Good news and bad news from FEMA. The bad news is FEMA says some of the disaster relief food they have may contain salmonella-tainted peanut butter. The good news is that since it’s FEMA, it will be years before it gets to anybody. Oh, here’s a bad sign. In Hawaii, a billion dollar Navy warship has run aground. They can’t get it unstuck. Its name? The U.S.S. Economy. And the jobless rate has jumped to 7.6 percent, the worst since 1974, and economists are now worried this could lead to a resurgence of disco. I tell you, the economy is in bad shape. In fact, the economy is so bad, President Barack Obama’s new slogan is “Spare Change You Can Believe In.” The economy is so bad, New York Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez had to switch from steroids to Flintstone vitamins. And an elderly man in Boynton Beach, Florida, was arrested after he called 911 to report that the Burger King he was standing in had just run out of lemonade. It is so sad to see what’s happened to John McCain since the election. ========================================================== ‘No Surprise Here’ Last night, right here on CBS, they aired the annual Grammy Awards, and no surprise here, the Grammy for Best Duo went to Aretha Franklin and her hat. Anybody here in New York for the Westminster Kennel Club dog show? Some unfortunate news. A Jack Russell Terrier had to drop out because of tax problems. ========================================================== ‘Things Are Winding Down Here’ In Massachusetts, the lesbian couple who led the fight to legalize gay marriage has now filed for divorce. It’s sad. Yeah. The couple is really upset because they always swore they’d stay together for the sake of the cat. Things are winding down here on the “Late Night” show. Only 10 shows left, including tonight. A lot has changed since I started the show. When we came on the air back in 1993, the Federal debt was $4 trillion. Now, $4 trillion is how much President Obama’s Cabinet owes in back taxes. ========================================================== ‘50 Tickets in One Day’ Michael Phelps can now blow smoke rings in the shape of the Olympics logo. – Jeff Sawyer A-Rod’s name has been leaked as only one of 104 players who reportedly tested positive for steroids in 2003. Maybe we should put a flag with an asterisk out in front of the Baseball Hall of Fame and be done with it. – Janice Hough, Palo Alto, Calif. Women may soon outnumber men in the U.S. workforce for the first time in history. Proving women still can’t win, the report came out a day after President Obama put a $500,000 cap on C.E.O. pay. — Paul Seaburn, Spring, Texas In Florida, traffic cops gave a guy 50 tickets in one day. First he didn’t have white shoes; next, no white belt; no blinker on while driving straight; no socks with his sandals; the list goes on and on. But worst of all, his car weighed only 3000 pounds. – Bill Williams Last week Bill Gates released a jar full of mosquitoes into the audience during a presentation about malaria. People in the audience haven’t slapped themselves this much since Gates released Windows Vista. – Doug Austen The F.D.A. has recently approved a drug made from goat’s milk. Unfortunately, for women, one of its side effects is hair growth on the chin. – Charles Almon Money talks and taxes are how it eats its own words. – Gil Stern ========================================================== ‘Groomed, Blow-Dried and Flea-Dipped’ People are sick and tired of the cold weather. Here’s how cold it was today in Washington, D.C. Vice President Joe Biden put his foot in his mouth just to keep it warm. Monday is the Westminster Kennel Club’s 133rd Annual Dog Show, where dogs are judged on appearance, so every dog is groomed, blow-dried and flea-dipped. You know, it’s the same thing they did to former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich for the impeachment trial. President Brack Obama has relaxed the White House dress code. He’s the first president to do that since Bill Clinton, who, of course, established “Pants-Free Friday.”
Benny Hill meets bad women drivers (compilation video).. ..(okay, i'm sure some of you have seen this; if not, well...).. For all the ladies, please watch with a good sense of humor...for the gents, please hold on to your seatbelt... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ygtBxhFc24A
M.B.A Student (vs) B.E Student This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition organized in Britain and this joke was sent by an Indian...... A MBA and a BE student go on a camping trip, set up their tent ,and fell asleep. Some hours later, the BE wakes his MBA friend and says 'Look up at the sky and tell me what you see.' The MBA replies, 'I see millions of stars.' The BE asks, 'What does that tell you?' The MBA ponders for a minute. 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?' The BE is silent for a moment, then speaks. 'Practically...Someone has stolen our tent'. 'ENGINEERING = 100% COMMON SENSE' MBA = 100% What you think it should be......that's creative common sense! Objective vs Subjective
^^Yep..^^ (not really a joke, maybe should fall in a "What Amazes Me" or the "The Strange & The Funny" thread??).. .."morphing" & there's already a video version of that on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QYrZZ68zhSs the next morphing, from Mr. BO to ???, should be interesting...
Those V-Day jokes.. ..(here are some which some of you have probably read; if not, enjoy).. A Thoughtful Valentine's Day Gift Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day. 'Yes,' came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, 'I've bought her a belt and a bag.' 'That was very kind of you,' Jim added, 'I hope she appreciated the thought.' Tony smiled as he replied, 'So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.' My One And Only Roger, who was 19 years old, was buying an expensive bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine's Day, at a very smart jeweller's shop in Hatton Garden, London. The jeweller inquired, 'Would you like your girlfriend's name engraved on it?' Roger thought for a moment, grinned, then answered, 'No, instead engrave 'To my one and only love'.' The jeweller smiled and said, 'Yes, sir; how very romantic of you.' Roger retorted with a glint in his eye, 'Not exactly romantic, but very practical. This way, if we break up, I can use it again.' Question and Answer Valentine Jokes Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day? A: Forget-me-nuts. Q: What did the valentine card say to the stamp? A: Stick with me and we'll go places! Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope? A: I'm stuck on you. Q: Who sends a thousand valentines cards signed, 'guess who' ? A: A divorce lawyer. Q: What did the light bulb say to the switch? A: You turn me on. Q: Did Adam and Eve ever have a date? A: No, but they had an apple. Q: What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus? A: Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand? Q: What did one snake say to the other snake? A: Give me a little hug and a hiss, honey. Knock, Knock, Who's there? Olive Olive who? Olive you! Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune? A: Because it couldn't get a date. Q: What is a ram's favourite song on February 14th? A: I only have eyes for ewe, dear Q: What travels around the world but stays in one corner? A: A stamp. Q: What happens when you fall in love with a French chef? A: You get buttered up. Q: What is a vampire's sweetheart called? A: His ghoul-friend. Q: If your aunt ran off to get married, what would you call her? A: Antelope. Q: What is the difference between a girl who is sick of her boyfriend and a sailor who falls into the ocean? A: One is bored over a man the other is a man overboard. Be My Valentine It was Valentine's day and Jim and Danielle's first date. They sat in the darkened cinema waiting for the film to start. The screen finally lit up with a flashy advertisement for the cinema's concession stand. Jim and Danielle realised that there was no sound. The film began but the silence continued. Suddenly, out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd loudly shouted', Okay, who's got the remote control?' How long have you been married? When a woman on the staff of the school where I worked became engaged, a friend and colleague offered her some advice. 'The first ten years are the hardest.' 'How long have you been married?' she asked. 'Ten years', he replied. Love is Blind? Phil, a smart and handsome young man, dressed in the latest fashion, walked into this local pub. He noticed a woman gazing at him without blinking her big eyes. Phil felt flattered so he walked up to the woman and said in his deepest voice, 'I'll do anything you wish, beautiful lady, for just £10 but on one condition.' The woman appeared to be trapped in the moment and asked as if in a trance, 'What's your condition?' Phil answered, 'Tell me your wish in just three words.' There was a long pause, the woman opened her purse, counted out the money and handed it to the man along with her address. She then looked deeply into his eyes and whispered, 'Clean my house.'
A few more V-Day jokes.. Question and Answer Valentine Jokes (last few): Q: What did the paper clip say to the magnet? A: "I find you very attractive." Q: What did the bat say to his girlfriend? A: "You're fun to hang around with." Q: What did one light bulb say to the other? A: "I love you a whole watt!" Knock, knock! Who's there? Howard. Howard who? Howard you like a great big kiss? Knock knock! Who'e there? Frank Frank who? Frank you for being my friend! Q: What did the boy owl say to the girl owl on Valentine's Day? A: Owl be yours! Q: What kind of flowers do you never give on Valentine's Day? A: Cauliflowers! Q: What do you call a very small Valentine? A: A Valentiny! Q: What did the boy squirrel say to the girl squirrel on Valentine's Day? A: I'm nuts about you! Q: What did the girl squirrel say to the boy squirrel on Valentine's Day? A: You're nuts so bad yourself! Knock knock! Who's there? Sherwood Sherwood who? Sherwood like to be your valentine! Knock, knock Who's there? Pooch Pooch who? Pooch your arms around me, baby! Q: What did the elephant say to his girlfriend? A: "I love you a ton!" Q: What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream? A: "I'm sweet on you!" Q: What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day? A: Hog and kisses! Q: Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine? A: He fell in love with a pin cushion! Q: What did the pencil say to the paper? A: "I dot my i's on you!" Q: What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine's Day? A: Ughs and kisses! Q: What did one pickle say to the other? A: "You mean a great dill to me." Q: Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day? A: Sure, they're very scent-imental!
During a very intense rally, a player pops a string. This is accompanied by much swearing and eventually, the player shouts "That was Babolat VS Touch". Their opponent replies "Oh, I can see why you're so gutted."
Learning Chinese..part II.. ..(some of you have probably read these; if not, enjoy!).. as continued from this post #954..and yes, if you want to read them aloud, you may do so.. INTRODUCTION TO CHINESE Ai Bang Mai Ne: "I bumped into the coffee table" Ai No Pei: "I have a press pass" Dum Gai: "A stupid person" Dung On Mai Shu: "I stepped in excrement" Fat He: "An unattractive person" Gun Pao Der: "An ancient Chinese invention" Hao Long Wei Ting: "When is the bus due?" Hia Dei Kum: "Stand by to repel boarders" Hu Flung Dung: "Which one of you fertilised the field?" Jan Ne Ka Sun: "A former late night talk show host" Kum Hia: "I'd like to talk to you" Lao Ze: "Not very good" Lao Ze Sho: "Gilligan's Island" Lei Loh: "Keep out of sight" Lei Tsho: "Midnight television programme" Li Loh: "A temporary bed" Lin Ching: "An illegal execution" Ming Toy: "Plaything belonging to ancient emperor" Moon Lan Ding: "One small step for man" Ne Ahn: "A lighting fixture used in advertising signs" Noh Tsmo King: "Cigarettes are hazardous to health" Noh Wei Ding: "Keep out of the pond" Shai Gai: "A bashful person" Shu Man Go: "Your body odour is offensive" Tai Ni Bei Bi: "A premature infant" Ten Ding Ba: "Serving drinks to people" Wan Bum Lung: "A person with TB" Wah Shing Kah: "Cleaning the family car" Wai Go Nao: "Do you really have to leave?" Wai Yu Kum Nao: "I thought the meeting was next week" Wai Yu Shao Ting: "There is no reason to raise your voice" Wai Yu Sing Dum Song: "Don't you know anything by Cole Porter?" Yu Mai Te Tan: "Your vacation in Hawaii agreed with you" Yu So Dim: "You aren't very bright" ================================================== Taiwanese Tourist at Immigration A Taiwanese man with very poor, practically no, English knowledge once visited the US. His name happened to be: Teng Xiao Ping. At the Immigration, the officer asked him a few questions to verify his true intention of coming to the US: - First the tourist was asked: "What is the last name of our first President?" Not knowing English neither what was the question, he guessed they must have asked him for his family name. So he replied:"Wa Sing Teng". (in Hokkien meaning My Last Name is Teng). The officer heard of "Washington!" (same sound) so passed him of the first question. - Second question was:"What do you come to the US for?" This time the Taiwanese thought, naturally he would be asked of his first name. So he replied:"Xiao Ping." The officer heard of: "Shopping!" so nodded and proceeded with his third question. "What car do u drive back home?" The tourist thought he was asked of his marital status, so he exclaimed: "Wa Bo Bo". (in Hokkien meaning I have no wife). And the officer heard of:"Volvo!" So smiled with compliment and asked again. - The fourth question was:"Who is the most popular basketball player here in the US?" By this time our Taiwanese friend was getting a bit impatient and annoyed hence shouted:"Mai Ho Wa Ja Dan". (meaning Don't let me wait here). The officer heard of:"Michael Jordan!" With great appreciation of this tourist's wide knowledge, the officer let him passed without further harrassment.
Things that'll make you go hummm.. ..(okay, some of you have probably read this; if not, enjoy)..not really a joke, but hopefully will make you smile.. THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk, with the shutter on backwards. The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed." The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable. Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic." Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten. The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat," which means "the king is dead". Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head." Camel's milk does not curdle. In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere. An animal epidemic is called an epizootic. Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants. The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used. Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan. All porcupines float in water. Cat's urine glows under a blacklight. If you take a raccoon's head to the Henniker, New Hampshire town hall, you are entitled to receive $10.00 from the town. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases. Non-dairy creamer is flammable. The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.) Texas is also the only state that is allowed to fly its state flag at the same height as the U.S. flag. The only nation who's name begins with an "A", but doesn't end in an "A" is Afghanistan. When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing." They actually pass out from sheer terror. The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
