DO YOU EVER FEEL LIKE DOING THIS?: This person realized that he was tired of staring at the monitor, and what he needed was some fresh air…. And what a great problem solver he is.. He solved the staring at the monitor and getting fresh air problem with one simple tasty solution! ROTFL! Good lookin out!
~~ Bubba's sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies,"Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," the doctor answers. The new mother thinks, "Wow! That's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise." Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" The doctor replies, "Denephew."
Do you like your job? Well, it could be worse… Looks like the grass may not always be greener on the other side… ROF…
i remember seeing a joke on size of ball to class of people let me expand on that in the name of humor The Projects - basketball Couch Potatoes - Bowling Blue Collars - football middle class - baseball White Collars - tennis Gold Collars - golf God - badminton (I'm a little bit bias )
These are real notes written by parents in a school district. Spelling errors have been left intact.Â* –my son is under a doctor’s care and should not take pe today. Please execute him.Â* – please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.Â* –dearschool: please ecsc’s john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33. –please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.Â* –please excuse roland from p.e. For a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.Â* –john has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.Â* –carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.Â* –megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.Â* –chris will not be in school cus he has an acrein his side.Â* – please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.Â* – please excuse pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre, dyrea, direathe), the shits. [words in ( )’s were crossed out].Â* –please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.Â* –irvingwas absent yesterday because he missed his bust.Â* – please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.Â* – i kept billie home because she had to go christmas shopping because i don’t know what size she wear.Â* –please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.Â*ROF – sally won’t be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.Â* – my daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.Â* – please excuse jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.Â* –maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.Â* Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids.
witty kids TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water? SARAH: H I J K L M N O!! TEACHER: What are you talking about? SARAH: Yesterday you said it’s H to O! — TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with “I.†ELLEN: I is… TEACHER: No, Ellen….. Always say, “I am.†ELLEN: All right… “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.†— ROFTEACHER: “George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn’t punish him?†JOHNNY: “Because George still had the ax in his hand.â€ROF — TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SAM: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook. — TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? PUPIL: A teacher. — SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark? FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write? SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
never said i had any, nor did i say that you had to post rare hard to find jokes i merely pointed out that there are others, and perhaps if you had them, you would like to post them as well
the finger test by Mary Schneider BUT THEN AGAIN The next time you are introduced to a man for the first time, there’s one thing you can do that might save you a lot of heartache later on. And, no, it’s got nothing to do with trying to find out what sort of car he drives, or where he lives, or the colour of the pieces of plastic in his wallet, or which of his moons were ascending at the beginning of the year of the chicken. According to recent findings, you can tell a lot about a man by the size of his fingers. “Hey, just a minute! That’s not new!†I can hear some of you saying right about now. “Everyone knows there is a direct correlation between the size of a man’s fingers and the size of his ... er ... well, the size of his ... em ... well, his gloves.†This being a family newspaper, you should be ashamed of yourself for even thinking such things. According to a recent study, the length of a man’s fingers can reveal how physically aggressive he is. The shorter his index finger is compared to his ring finger, the more aggressive he will be. Right about now, if you’re male and you’re examining the length of your fingers, only to discover that your index finger is quite a bit shorter than your ring finger, please remember this has nothing to do with me. I’m not responsible for your condition – testosterone is. So chucking a brick through my window as you drive past my house in the wee hours of the morning really won’t solve anything. Actress Robin Givens, the ex-wife of boxer Mike Tyson, greeted this latest discovery with mixed feelings. “Why couldn’t they have come up with this earlier?†she said. “On my wedding day, I saw Mike scratching his ankle with his ring finger while standing fully erect.†I think Robin has lost the plot. It’s not the ring finger that’s relatively long; it’s the index finger that’s relatively short. Of course, it’s hardly surprising that she gets things mixed up. You would, too. if you’d been whopped on the side of the head a couple of hundred times by I’m-Mike-and-I-eat-ears Tyson. Besides, Mike’s ability to scratch his ankles like that is due entirely to his extremely long arms – which involve another theory. But I digress. In the not-too-distant future, I can see finger-length tests being carried out in a number of different situations. Indeed, it might be possible for a simple scanning device to be incorporated into a mobile phone, enabling you to scan anyone’s fingers in a few seconds. Not only will this handy device tell a woman if a prospective mate is up to scratch, it will also be an invaluable aid to employers recruiting new staff. After all, you don’t want a physically aggressive man working in, say, Customer Complaints or the Ye Olde Crystal and Fine China Shoppe, now do you? Of course, there will always be some men who cash in on their physical aggressiveness: wrestlers, boxers, nightclub bouncers, matadors and carpet beaters, to name just a few. There’s a possibility that some people will point an average-length finger at the overly aggressive and marginalise them. Fingerism will drive some physically aggressive men to extreme lengths in an attempt to cover up the outward manifestations of their condition. There will probably be a demand for index finger augmentation and prosthetic fingertips. If Michael Jackson can live with a piece of moulded foam latex (the same material that was used to make the masks for many of the gruesome characters in those Lord of the Ring movies) glued to the middle of his face as he cavorts around Neverland, I’m sure it won’t be too difficult for any other man to stick on a couple of fingertips every morning after a quick shower. And if anyone makes fun of him, he can always beat the @#*% out of them. All I can say is that I’m glad I’m a woman – there’s no messy application of prosthetics to deal with before I leave the house in the morning. All I have to do after a quick shower is moisturise my body, squeeze into my clothes, apply my make-up, style my hair, paint my nails, sort out the contents of my handbag (small animals have been known to get lost in there) and teeter out the door in impossibly high heels. If he’s not keen on prosthetics, a man can grow his fingernails extra long to camouflage the fact that certain fingers are a bit on the short side, or partially amputate his ring fingers to make them about the same size as his index fingers, or become a participant on a TV reality show – bad behaviour in front of the camera always sells. Although there’s no link between physically aggressive behaviour and the length of a woman’s index finger, another study found that women with “male†pattern finger lengths displayed more frustrated behaviour when answering challenging telephone calls than other women. Of course, you mustn’t believe everything you read. For example, my index finger appears to be a little on the short side compared to my ring finger, but I’ve never dissed anyone on the telephone before. In fact, a more mild-mannered person you are unlikely to meet, anywhere. If you disagree with me, please feel free to give me a call. Now, where did I put those blasted bricks?
do you ever get frustrated with your PC? This picture shows just one of the easy solutions to any problems with your pc… Remember the “Take a deep breath†part.. It’s one of the most important steps..
Tough Old Cowboy >> > > >> >> > > >> A tough old cowboy once counselled his grandson that if he wanted >> > to >> > > >> live a >> > > >> long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his >> > > >> oatmeal >> > > >> every morning. The grandson did this religiously and lived to the >> > age >> > of >> > > >> 110. >> > > >> >> > > >> He left 4 children, 20 grand-children, 30 great-grandchildren, 10 >> > > >> great-great- >> > > >> grand-children and a fifty-foot hole where the crematorium used to >> > be.
Plane joke A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Golden Retriever in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a "sniffing dog". His name is Sniffer, and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne and I put him to work." The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says: "Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search." Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for a several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm. The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the first man and says: "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land." "Say...that's pretty neat" replies the first man. Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Retriever sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, "Wow. That man is carrying cocaine, so, again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police." "I like it!" says the first man. The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place. The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent "What's going on?" The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"
Lawyer Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The Lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."
