How would you have handled this?

Discussion in 'General Forum' started by Magwitch, Jul 5, 2020.

  1. ucantseeme

    ucantseeme Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 21, 2010
    Messages:
    4,674
    Likes Received:
    1,884
    Occupation:
    BANNED
    Location:
    BANNED
    And even now you don't see that all of her reactions are the result of your previous. You explain yourself and don't accept that you don't make by the standard and impressions of others mistakes. You discuss that your mistakes are not mistakes and still search the fault at her. If you reflect, you will also discover that her reactions also don't be mistakes in her world and her intentions. Learning is a process to accept own mistakes. It's tough to accept them, but without you will never learn, because you don't did something wrong.

    I tell you something. This happens to me regular. If I meet a group infront of the hall and say "hello" not everybody respond. Sometimes nobody respond. If I leave the hall and say "bye" to all, sometimes some respond, sometimes not. One day, I was in bad mood and stressed. I didn't said "hello" and "bye" and some people claimed that I be rude. Instead of making a discussion of it, I say it now every time. If somebody don't respond I don't care. I break up with the tought that if I give, I should always get something back. It's the same with help, beeing friendly etc. Sometimes you don't get it back if you help somebody, be friendly to somebody etc. If you are just friendly and helpful because you want the same or something different, that it is is cold calculation and not honest.


    What you did makes sense in your head. We all know it now and I can understand why you did so, but does the person also get and understand it which is involved? Other people have a different definiton of respectful. You consider keeping distance as respectful. Other will understand it that you ignore them because you didn't got what you wanted, which makes you a cold person with calculation. Both can be true and wrong. It's easy to misunderstand, so a talk would be necessary.

    Does you know it or is it just your perception? Could also be a misunderstanding or a matter of type or content. If a topic don't interest me I don't respond to it much.

    A problem is never solved when it is just solved for one side. I guess that it is still in your head. If everything is fine for her, it mustn't be fine for you as well. IMO you should also try to solve. If not possible don't let her to **** your head. Take it as simple as it is. You play together and that's it. Reduce the communication to game related content. Not everybody must be friendly, warm or communicative because it is your understanding of a team mate.

    You become part of a team because of two reasons: same club, same/close level. If you like or dislike each other is not important for the decision. If it affect you play, look for different partner in team if possible. If not, you must accept it or change team or club.
     
    michael5098 likes this.
  2. michael5098

    michael5098 Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2016
    Messages:
    108
    Likes Received:
    35
    Location:
    australia
    After reading all this, I still don't see any compelling evidence that she did anything wrong. Because I can easily see myself in her shoes. I am awkward, shy and quiet. I have done all the things she has "wrong" simply because I'm not good at social interaction outside of the court. On the court, I am the complete opposite - I'm friendly and talkative. I'm sure you know at least a few guys that behave similar to this. So why does it mater if a girl behaves like this?
     
    ucantseeme likes this.
  3. Borkya

    Borkya Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 2, 2016
    Messages:
    458
    Likes Received:
    456
    Occupation:
    teacher
    Location:
    Xiamen, China
    Hahahah, this thread is hilarious. Reminds me of a Far Side Cartoon where a guy is lying in his bed thinking "I wonder if she likes me....should I call her tomorrow? Is that too soon? Does she even know I exist...no wait..I'll call her...but should I?" And the girl is in her own bed thinking "I like vanilla ice cream."

    First off, you are obviously thinking way too much about this and I guarantee you she hasn't thought about you a fraction of the time you have her.
    Second, I would go with the obvious here. It has nothing to do with you being a boy and she a girl and possible romantic misunderstandings (because there was nothing in any of your interactions that she would assume was romantic intent.) Maybe she just doesn't really like you as a person, regardless of your sex. If this was a guy would you be so deep into your own head about this? Nope. You'd just think "Bob is such a **** cause he never talks to me off the court but is super fake friendly on the court," and you'd move on with your life. You wouldn't spend your days trying to prove to Bob how busy and into badminton you are, and how little interest you have in Bob. You's just avoid him when you could and deal with him when you couldn't.

    I can tell you're totally a guy that has said "I'm a good guy but girls never go for me. They never like the good guys like me, they're only attracted to bad boys," to friends in the past. lolz
     
    michael5098 and ucantseeme like this.
  4. s_mair

    s_mair Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 10, 2013
    Messages:
    4,216
    Likes Received:
    2,531
    Location:
    Germany
    Absolutely nailed it right there. Funny enough, I got so easily hooked up in this "boy meets girl" scenario, that I didn't think about that unbelievably obvious question too. But yeah, it would have been a non-story if that all went down between two guys, I'm 100% sure.
     
  5. ucantseeme

    ucantseeme Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 21, 2010
    Messages:
    4,674
    Likes Received:
    1,884
    Occupation:
    BANNED
    Location:
    BANNED
    And if the guys are gay? ;)
     
  6. Nine Tailed Fox

    Nine Tailed Fox Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 10, 2015
    Messages:
    9,295
    Likes Received:
    1,872
    Location:
    New Delhi
    Dear Magwitch

    Greetings of the Day

    I understand by your postings in this thread that the recent turn of events have gotten into your head and is making your badminton life miserable. You can't enjoy one second of it anymore.

    I will be quick to admit that at first, I failed to realize the magnitude of your frustration but could still chain the series of negative emotions binding you. Misunderstood, rejected, unappreciated, unsupported, your agony was amounting in your good heart.

    Then I noticed something in this post of yours and finally understood why your grief was ceaseless. That Madam X didn't reply to your hello, didn't respond to your Good morning, didn't respond to your bye, avoided your benevolent tactical advice, avoided your pep talk like crazy.

    A Good and innocent man doesn't deserve this. I empathise with you.

    Still, the problem at hand, could be a non-issue and a matter of past if you could use some communication skills in dealing with Madam X.

    You could say simple things like,

    "Don't take me wrong and I don't think it's rude or obnoxious to not reciprocate to my warm greetings , but still I feel It affects my positive spirit that I try to foster during team events and matches. "

    "I behaved very differently in the past as I was overwhelmed with thoughts and not so sure what went wrong but let's make a new start and become good team-mates. "
     
    sp00k likes this.
  7. Nine Tailed Fox

    Nine Tailed Fox Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 10, 2015
    Messages:
    9,295
    Likes Received:
    1,872
    Location:
    New Delhi
    I don't understand this overly judgemental post of yours nor I understand the character assassination , you and some other so called objective posters are onto.

    I don't think we are qualified with any evidence whatsoever to pass a comment on either party involved in this matter.

    Maybe Magwitch is the greatest of human beings and highly respected in his community.

    I just appreciate that he has opened his heart to us and is willing to learn and live.
     
  8. Ballschubser

    Ballschubser Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 17, 2019
    Messages:
    204
    Likes Received:
    143
    Location:
    Germany
    What about communication ?

    Did you know, that when you communicate with other people, only a small percentage is done with words and mostly is done non-verbal ?

    Well, she clearly communicate to you in a non-verbal way, that she is not interested in conversation with you (or anyone else, who knows) for what ever reason she has.

    Did you know, that people have a certain style of how they communicate and that the meaning could be (mis-)interpreted as positive or negative by others, because they have an other style of communication or are in an other context ?

    When your wife tells you 'you are fat' or your doctor tells you 'you are fat', I think, that you will interprete different meanings into it, although they both use the same words. It is very simple to communicate a statement in a way , which is considered positive in your opinion, but which is received as negative. The nasty part about this is, that it is incredible hard to detect this yourself.

    Did you know, that some people are hard to 'read' and therefor they make other people uncomfortable ?

    You might be hard to 'read' by some people, e.g. you don't react to certain communication styles or probing in a way they would expect or at all. This often make them uncomfortable and they will try to avoid you.

    It might be even your choice of language, a single statement, a joke, a political statement, a statement during a match, while talking to others, whatever, something which marks you as 'okaaay, let's restrict this to business' for her, aka, be friendly on court, but we don't need to be friends. E.g. if your political opinion goes far left while hers go far right (vice versa), eventually she just want to play badminton and will not try to change your political opinion.

    Eventually just accept that not everyone will like you and you don't like everyone, which doesn't mean that either you nor others are bad at all. This most likely happens at work and we are considered as pros if we are able to continue to work without getting nasty.
     
  9. yuquall

    yuquall Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 19, 2018
    Messages:
    11,116
    Likes Received:
    3,036
    Location:
    AU
    You must be popular with Madam Xs. :D
     
    Nine Tailed Fox and LenaicM like this.
  10. ucantseeme

    ucantseeme Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 21, 2010
    Messages:
    4,674
    Likes Received:
    1,884
    Occupation:
    BANNED
    Location:
    BANNED
    It also goes further. If you made in the past bad or good experiences with a special type which had a huge impact in your life, it can also influence the first impressions. Also unsymetric faces leaves a negative and shady first impression on most people. I think everybody met people who you dislike since the first minute and often you can't explain why. Some people have a natural behavior. E.g. casanova like demeanor which is for some people charismatic and for others toady.

    I met a guy at a tournament. We were opponents and he was very chaty, friendly and respectful after the match. His voice and friendlyness sounded to me like he is gay. It made me very uncomfortable and sceptical because I'm more like grumpy cat and my opponent is interested in me as person and want to talk to me in a friendly and respectful manner. My mind says "There is something wrong". I'm more "opponent = enemy = kill, kill, kill." He is married and has children, so he is not gay, which wasn't a problem for me, but made me uncomfortable in the first time. We are now good mates which enjoy to visit each others clubs. So I was wrong with him and my subconscious tricked me. I have often a problem with people who are too friendly because I often suspect bootlicking behind it, but some people are just friendly by nature.
     
    #30 ucantseeme, Jul 22, 2020
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2020

Share This Page