Jokes

Discussion in 'Chit-Chat' started by Gessle, Aug 8, 2004.

  1. cooler

    cooler Regular Member

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    let me add to this

    Oh, I'm such a bad speller, I really meant 'Iran';)
     
  2. cooler

    cooler Regular Member

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    .......................
     

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  3. ctjcad

    ctjcad Regular Member

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    Pictures that require no caption..;)
     

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  4. ctjcad

    ctjcad Regular Member

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    You think YOUR day was bad at work?

    You think YOUR day was bad at work?
    [​IMG]
    I could have sworn I hit the brake pedal!

    Car upside down in the bay - see guy standing on it?


    Call out the wrecker!

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    Coming...almost there!

    [​IMG]
    Ooops!

    [​IMG]
    I could have sworn I set the brakes on that truck!

    Time to get a Bigger Wrecker!
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    Ok, we got the car...let's get the other wrecker now!

    [​IMG]
    O...o...oohhh No!!

    Who's gonna explain this one to the insurance guys?
     
    #364 ctjcad, May 10, 2006
    Last edited: May 10, 2006
  5. ctjcad

    ctjcad Regular Member

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    Some fun stuff...:)
     

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  6. ctjcad

    ctjcad Regular Member

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    ....Reasons to never complain about your job;)
     

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  7. ctjcad

    ctjcad Regular Member

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    Stress reliefs..

    ;) ..

    Stress Reliever # 1

    Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

    Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

    Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

    Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other

    problem can there be greater than this one?"


    --------------------------------------------------------------------
    ------------

    Stress Reliever # 2

    Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries,

    troubles and lighten your burden.

    Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries
    or
    troubles.

    Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------
    ------------

    Stress Reliever # 3

    A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if
    my
    father hadn't left me a fortune?"

    "Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO
    MATTER
    WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"


    --------------------------------------------------------------------
    ------------

    Stress Reliever # 4

    Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."

    Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his
    parents."

    --------------------------------------------------------------------
    ------------

    Stress Reliever # 5

    Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a

    millionaire?"

    Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."

    Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before
    you
    married her?"

    Millionaire: "A Billionaire"


    --------------------------------------------------------------------
    ------------

    Stress Reliever # 6

    Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

    The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------
    ------------

    Stress Reliever # 7

    A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me - my
    pretty
    face or my sexy body?"

    He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humour."
     
  8. Qidong

    Qidong Regular Member

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    I dont' get the first one. Isn't stock broker a dream job for lot of people. :confused:
     
  9. ctjcad

    ctjcad Regular Member

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    Qidong, it's suppose to be a joke...just look at the picture; it's like a "factory", all the employees are smacked & crammed into one place...uh, it could also be a customer-service dept. where all phone calls are directed into..hehehe:p ;)
     
    #369 ctjcad, May 17, 2006
    Last edited: May 17, 2006
  10. nelsonkong

    nelsonkong Regular Member

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    Been to this italian restaurant in Brunei XD

    [​IMG]
     
  11. FEND.

    FEND. Regular Member

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    Was that at fratini's in centerpoint?
     
  12. Shuttlebugs

    Shuttlebugs Regular Member

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    WASHINGTON DC --- Chinese
    President Hu Jintao was
    the cause of a frenzied
    search yesterday when Bush
    administration officials
    were unable to locate the
    visiting leader, who was
    supposed to fly to
    Seattle, Washington later
    in the evening.
    Jintao was a no show at a
    midday press conference
    with President Bush and
    Secretary of State
    Condoleeza Rice, leaving
    both confused and
    embarrassed in front of a
    crowd of international
    media and dignitaries.
    "Hu's in the Oval Office?"
    Rice asked Bush.
    "No one. Hu's in the
    Capital Building," said
    Bush.
    "I don't know. Some
    senators maybe?" asked
    Rice.
    "Huh?" said Bush.
    "Hu's in the Oval office?"
    repeated the Secretary of
    State.
    "I don't know," said Bush.
    "Hu's in the Capital
    Building."
    "Who's in the Capital
    Building?" asked Rice.
    "Why do you keep asking me
    that?"
    "Yes, Hu's in the Capital
    Building," said Bush.
    "Who cares," said Rice.
    "Hu's not here."
    "Is who supposed to be
    here?" asked Bush.
    "Hu," yelled Rice. "Hu is
    supposed to be here right
    now."
    "I don't know, dammit,
    stop screaming at me,
    Condie," said Bush. "Now,
    who the heck are we
    talking about?"
    "Hu," screamed an
    exsaperated Rice. "Who is
    supposed to be here at
    this press conference."
    "I don't know. Don't look
    at me Condie," said Bush.
    "I'm not in charge of
    organizing."
    "Hu is supposed to be
    here," repeated Rice.
    "I think we are," said
    Bush. "But to get back to
    your earlier question,
    who's in the Oval Office
    right now?"
    "Hu's in the Oval Office?"
    asked Rice. "Why isn't Hu
    here with us?"
    "Who?" asked Bush.
    "Hu," said Rice. "Who was
    supposed to be here."
    "Maybe it was Rummy?"
    replied Bush. "By the way,
    Hu was supposed to be in
    the Capital Building."
    "Like I said before, I
    have no clue," said Rice.
    "And anyway, who cares."
    "I'm sure he does," said
    Bush. "Hu cares deeply
    about his visit to that
    historic building."
    "I give up," said Rice.
    "Tell me?"
    "Tell you what?" asked
    Bush.
    "To who are you
    referring?" replied Rice.
    "To Hu," said Bush.
    "That's what I'm asking
    you," snapped Rice. "Who
    cares deeply about
    visiting the Capital
    Building?"
    "That's really Hu's
    private business," said
    Bush.
    "I don't know who's
    business that is, you tell
    me, Mr. President," said
    Rice. "And by the way,
    wasn't Hu supposed to be
    here by now?"
    "Who are you talking
    about?" said Bush.
    "Hu," yelled Rice, who by
    now was sweating
    profusely.
    The President's
    conversation with Rice
    went on for a reported two
    and a half hours before
    most of the assembled
    press and officials left
    when it started to rain.
    President Jintao never
    showed up.
     
  13. Shuttlebugs

    Shuttlebugs Regular Member

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    I DON'T KNOW WHAT DOCTOR WROTE THIS, BUT I LIKE HIM!
    HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
    Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
    A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?
    Take a nap.

    Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
    A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
    Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

    Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
    A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

    Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
    A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

    Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
    A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

    Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
    A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

    Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
    A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stoma! Ch.

    Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
    A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

    Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
    A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

    Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
    A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

    Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
    And remember:
    "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming Whoo what a ride".
     
  14. Shuttlebugs

    Shuttlebugs Regular Member

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    The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified,
    > well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
    >
    > "May I help you?" she asked.
    >
    > "I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
    >
    > "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
    > prefer someone else," said the madam.
    >
    > "No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.
    >
    > Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged
    > $1,000 a visit.
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    > Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills,
    gave
    > them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
    >
    > After an hour, the man calmly left.
    >
    > The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.
    >
    >
    > Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a
    row--too
    > expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000.
    > Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went
    > upstairs. After an hour, he left.
    >
    > The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that
    > he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and
    they
    > went upstairs.
    >
    > After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been
    > with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
    >
    > The man replied, "South Carolina." "Really" she said. "I have family in
    > South Carolina."
    >
    > "I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's
    > attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."
    >
    > The moral of the story is that there are three things in life that are
    > certain:
    >
    > 1. Death
    >
    > 2. Taxes
    >
    > 3. Being screwed by a lawyer
     
  15. ctjcad

    ctjcad Regular Member

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    Old Lady's Poodle..



    A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her a faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.



    One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.



    The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"



    Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"



    Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.



    The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"



    Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.



    "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!



    Moral of this story...



    Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! ******** and brilliance only come with age and experience.



    If you don't send this to five "old" friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.



    I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more "youth challenged" than others!!!!


    Notice the size of this print? ;)
     
  16. Gessle

    Gessle Regular Member

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    A philosopher, a scientist and an idiot, were in a car accident. They found themselves standing before the pearly gates. Both St. Peter and the Devil were waiting.

    "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Because Heaven is too overcrowded, St. Peter is limiting the number of people entering Heaven. If you can ask me a question which I cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

    The philosopher stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a full volume appeared. The philosopher read it and agreed it was flawless.

    "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.

    The scientist was next, "Give me the complete Black Hole theory explained in the simplest way that even a child can understand !" With a snap of his finger, a computer monitor appeared. The scientist read what was on the screen and reluctantly agreed it was perfect.

    "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the scientist disappeared, too.

    Now its the idiot. He said, "Bring me a chair!"

    The Devil brought forward a chair.
    "Drill 7 holes on the seat."
    The Devil did just that.
    The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.
    Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"
    The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."
    "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my a$$hole."

    And you don't need a philosopher or a scientist to tell you where the idiot went.
     
  17. ctjcad

    ctjcad Regular Member

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    Things that make you wonder..

    ..things that make you go hmmmmm....:rolleyes: ;)
     

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    #377 ctjcad, Jun 30, 2006
    Last edited: Jun 30, 2006
  18. cooler

    cooler Regular Member

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  19. theasiandude88

    theasiandude88 Regular Member

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  20. ctjcad

    ctjcad Regular Member

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    Some work related signs...

    .......bad day at work??..:p :rolleyes: ;)
     

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