A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his side profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his side profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?" Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds "... think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer... wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
honey, i quit smoking but... real news. http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/main.jhtml?xml=/health/2006/12/19/nviagra14.xml -------------------------------- Giving up smoking? Take a Viagra Last Updated: 12:01am GMT 19/12/2006 Smokers who sought medical help while trying to kick the habit were accidentally prescribed Viagra instead of an anti-smoking drug. The blunder was caused by a technical problem with a computer system that automatically selects a list of drugs when GPs fill out a prescription. When doctors tried to choose the anti-smoking pill Zyban their computers instead selected sildenafil, the generic name for Viagra, the anti-impotence pill. All 900 GPs in the Greater Glasgow area where the blunder has been uncovered have been contacted by email about the mix-up. It is not known how many smokers have been surprised by the effect of their "anti-smoking pills", but only two GP practices have complained about the problem. Greater Glasgow and Clyde Health Board said the error should have been picked up either by GPs while signing prescriptions or by pharmacy staff. One Glasgow doctor said yesterday: "Thankfully the side effects of taking Viagra in error are not too serious."
panda and beer A panda sauntered into the saloon, sat down at the bar and told the bartender "Give me a sandwich and a beer." The bartender had seen many strange characters out west, and knew it was important to keep his cool, so he replied, "Sure, stranger," and slapped a ham sandwich and a cold one in front of the bear. The panda chomped on the sandwich and gulped down the beer. He then deftly pulled his six-shooter, aimed at a whiskey bottle behind the counter, and pulled the trigger. The bottle exploded into glass pieces and shattered onto the floor. The bartender was dumfounded as he watched the bear return his gun to his holster and walk out the front door. "Hey, what the hell is going on?" shouted the bartender as he ran after the bear. The panda stopped and said, "what did you want?? "Well, I sure didn't expect you to shoot up the bar. Besides, you still owe me for lunch." "I'm a PANDA. Look it up." replied the bear and went on his way. The bartender was too upset and nervous to rile such an unpredictable sort, so he picked up his unabridged dictionary from the shelf, and found the entry for "panda." "Damn!" he muttered. He realized that there was nothing he could do about it. There it was, in black and white, written by an authority no less than Noah Webster himself: pan-da -- n. A large bear-like member of the Raccoon family native to the mountains of China and Tibet, with distinctive white and black markings. Eats shoots and leaves."
Job Predictor.. ..ok guys, it's been a while since we have something fun and since it's a new yr, maybe some of us have been looking for a new job...So, to start off the new yr with something "fun", how abt trying this new Job Predictor(some of you might've seen this before)...enjoy!
iPOD flea, anyone??.. ..has anyone seen this commercial??....looks cool & pretty funny(esp. the one abt the bag, reminds me of our own NGP's/DinkAlot's "luggages").. http://video.yahoo.com/video/play?vid=2dab7566c3a835ccfbb3a91c4155de6f.1758322
LAW AND DISORDER Here are excerpts from a book that compiled real exchanges between witnesses and attorneys in American courts of law. Attorney: What is your date of birth? Witness: July 18th. Attorney: What year? Witness: Every year. Attorney: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? Witness: Yes. Attorney: And in what ways does it affect your memory? Witness: I forget. Attorney: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? Attorney: How old is your son, the one living with you? Witness: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which. Attorney: How long has he lived with you? Witness: Forty-five years. Attorney: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? Witness: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?” Attorney: And why did that upset you? Witness: My name is Susan. Attorney: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? Witness: We both do. Attorney: Voodoo? Witness: We do. Attorney: You do? Witness: Yes, voodoo. Attorney: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning? Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam? Attorney: Were you present when your picture was taken? Witness: Would you repeat the question? Attorney: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? Witness: Yes. Attorney: And what were you doing at that time? Witness: Uh.... Attorney: She had three children, right? Witness: Yes. Attorney: How many were boys? Witness: None. Attorney: Were there any girls? Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated? Witness: By death. Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated? Attorney: Can you describe the individual? Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard. Attorney: Was this a male or a female? Attorney: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. Attorney: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? Witness: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Attorney: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? Witness: The autopsy started around 8.30pm. Attorney: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? Witness: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? Witness: No. Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure? Witness: No. Attorney: Did you check for breathing? Witness: No. Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? Witness: No. Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor? Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Attorney: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Kids' answers on how do you decide who to marry??.. ..aren't they...cute HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10 No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10 WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10 HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8 WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8 WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10 WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR? I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -- Craig, age 9 WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7 The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - - Curt, age 7 The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8 IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8 And the #1 Favorite is........ HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck hit her. -- Ricky, age 10
believe it or not!! more to come, Jerby ------------------------------ This is unbelievable! NEW YORK - Idaho resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family Tuesday when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular TV show, "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire." It seems that Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question, and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing "the absolute worst use of lifelines ever." After being introduced to the show's host Meredith Vieira, Evans assured her that she was ready to play, whereupon she was posed with an extremely easy $100 question. The question was: "Which of the following is the largest?" A) A Peanut B) An Elephant C) The Moon D) Hey, who you calling large? Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she realized that this was a question to which she did not readily know the answer. "Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie," said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief and disgust. "I mean, I'm sure I've heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be." Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50. Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure. "Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!" exclaimed Evans. "Darn. I think I better phone a friend." Using the second of her two lifelines on the first question, Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant. "Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I'm on TV!" said Evans, wasting the first seven seconds of her call. "Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest? B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds hun." Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon. Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds. "Come on Betsy, are you sure?" said Evans. "How sure are you? Puh, that can't be it." To everyone's astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend's advice and pick 'The Moon.' "I just don't know if I can trust Betsy. She's not all that bright. So I think I'd like to ask the audience," said Evans. Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of answer C, 'The Moon.' Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life. "Wow, seems like everybody is against what I'm thinking," said the too-stupid-to-live Evans. "But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut. So, let's see. For which is larger, an elephant or the moon, I'm going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer." Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath, and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, 'The Moon.'
Here are the transcripts of some conversations callers and 911 dispatchers. From the Uncle John's Unstoppable Bathroom Reader (16th edition) Recorded during a power outage. Dispatcher: "911. Fire or emergency?" Caller: "My power's out!" Dispatcher: "Yes, sir, we're aware of that. Do you have an emergency?" Caller: "No, i don't have a damn emergency. I just want to know if I'm going to be getting a rebate for the lenght of time I'm without power." Dispatcher: "Uhhh, no, sir, you won't be charged for the electricity you didn't use." Caller: "Well, that's more like it!" Dispatcher: "911. What's the address of your emergency?" Caller: "I need to know what I can do about someone who came into my home and put boogers on my wall." Dispatcher: "Did you invite this person into your home?" Caller: "Yes, but I didn't give him permission to put boogers on the walls." Dispatcher: "911. What's the address of your emergency?" Caller: [No response] Dispatcher: "911. What's the address of your emergency?" Caller [Tentatively]: "Hello?" Dispatcher: "Yes, this is 911, can I help you?" Caller: "You have the wrong number!" Dispatcher: "911. What's the address of your emergency?" Caller: "Can I give you my credit card number over the phone to pay on my warrent?" Dispatcher: "What's the offense?" Caller: "Credit card fraud." Dispatcher: "911." Caller: "Help! Help! Send the police! I been shot." Dispatcher: "You said you've been shot?" Caller: "I been shot!" Dispatcher: "How many times were you shot?" Caller: "This is the first time."
