Thanks for visiting us!

Badminton Central is a free community for fans of badminton! If you find anything useful here please consider registering to see more content and get involved with our great community users, it takes less than 15 seconds! Everybody is welcome here.

Click here for a FREE account!

Jokes

Discussion in 'Chit-Chat' started by Gessle, Aug 8, 2004.

  1. Gessle

    Gessle Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2004
    Messages:
    236
    Likes Received:
    0
    Occupation:
    Kuli
    Location:
    Home / Office
    The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.
    He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered "Hello?"
    Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?" - "Yes", whispered the small voice.
    "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
    Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" - "Yes," came the answer.
    "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No". Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
    "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child. "Yes", whispered the child, "A policeman."
    Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" - "No, he's busy", whispered the child.
    "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
    Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" - "A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
    In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
    Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?"
    Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "They're looking for me."
     
    #1 Gessle, Aug 8, 2004
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2004
  2. tir168

    tir168 Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 5, 2004
    Messages:
    93
    Likes Received:
    0
    Occupation:
    Uni Student
    Location:
    Brunei
    Lol...!!!

    =DD
     
  3. Dill

    Dill Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2003
    Messages:
    1,921
    Likes Received:
    0
    Occupation:
    Lazy git (my coach can verify this)
    Location:
    Glasgow, Scotland
    ha ha...............but would the parents not wonder who answered the phone?
     
  4. Gessle

    Gessle Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2004
    Messages:
    236
    Likes Received:
    0
    Occupation:
    Kuli
    Location:
    Home / Office
    Joke No. 2

    In a Bar, as a man was having a drink, a guy, apparently already with his load, approached him and said, "Would you bet a pint of beer that I can bite my own left eye?"
    Thinking that this guy was really drunk, the first man agreed.
    Then the supposed drunk guy took off his false left eye and bit it. The first man thought: "How could I let this guy to fool me?"
    But a bet is a bet, so he bought the drunk guy a pint of beer and continued his drinking.
    A few moments later, the same drunk guy approached the first man and said, "Would you bet a pint of beer that I can bite my own right eye?"
    He thought to himself: Hey, this guy can't have both false eyes, right? So he accepted the bet. Then the drunk guy took out his false teeth and bit his right eye with them.
     
  5. tir168

    tir168 Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 5, 2004
    Messages:
    93
    Likes Received:
    0
    Occupation:
    Uni Student
    Location:
    Brunei
    ^^ good way to get two pints of beer free if you got a false eye and false teeth. =DD
     
  6. cooler

    cooler Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 25, 2002
    Messages:
    22,050
    Likes Received:
    12
    Occupation:
    Surfing, reading fan mails:D, Dilithium Crystal hu
    Location:
    Basement Boiler Room
    why six is afraid of seven :confused:
     
  7. Matt Ross

    Matt Ross Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 28, 2002
    Messages:
    1,223
    Likes Received:
    0
    Occupation:
    Student
    Location:
    Essex, England
    Man, this is an old one!!

    A: Because 7 8 (ate) 9
     
  8. jug8man

    jug8man Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 7, 2003
    Messages:
    2,123
    Likes Received:
    3
    Occupation:
    MultiTasked guy, Stress Addict, Leisure Bum, mad c
    Location:
    Malaysia
    a doctor was introducing autopsy to a fresh batch of medcine students in an operating theater with a real dead body. they formed a circle around the dead body.
    the doctor said to the students "the first thing you need to study medicine is to conquer your fear". he then suddenly inserted his finger up the dead body's arse, pulled it out and licked his finger. much to the disbelief of the students. then he pointed at one student and ordered him with authority to do the same. the student reluctantly but quickly followed suit.
    the doctor then said to the students "the second thing you need is to be very observant. notice that i inserted my index finger but licked middle finger". the student fainted.
     
  9. Wizbit

    Wizbit Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 9, 2002
    Messages:
    768
    Likes Received:
    0
    Occupation:
    Testing ladie's lingerie
    Location:
    UK - London, Birmingham
    *Warning - mild sexual references

    A woman married for a number of years, was finding that her s-e-x life was beginning to flag, and so she decided to go and consult a s-e-x therapist. The s-e-x therapist told her to go and buy some sexy lingerie and cook her husband a candle lit dinner. So, one day when her husband was out, she cooked a candelit dinner and put on her new sexy lingerie. The husband eventually came home, he looked at her without saying a word, picked her up and whisked her into the bedroom. He took her knickers off and turned her upside down, in front on the mirror. He then put his head between her legs and said, "my mates are right, I don't look very good with a beard!!!"

    (s-e-x - is used otherwise it would be displayed as ***)
     
    #9 Wizbit, Aug 9, 2004
    Last edited: Aug 9, 2004
  10. aznphi1osopher

    aznphi1osopher Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 7, 2004
    Messages:
    49
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    alameda
    There was an American man that had an meeting in France. He met a woman and that night they had their own meeting. While they were where having s-e-x, she was yelling, "TROU FAUX,TROU FAUX." He did not know what that meant, but assumed it to be some sort of praise.

    The next day, he went to play golf with the men he had the meeting with. One of them made a hole in one. He yelled, "TROU FAUX,TROU FAUX !"

    They looked at him and said, "what do you mean wrong hole?"
     
  11. UkPlayer

    UkPlayer Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 25, 2002
    Messages:
    970
    Likes Received:
    0
    Occupation:
    Academic
    Location:
    UK
    badminton v tennis

    The restaraunt in the sports centre is just about to shut. The badminton player gets his post match sandwich and takes a seat opposite a tennis player. They soon strike up a conversation about their sports. As is usual with these conversations, the tennis player begins winding the badminton player up and says:

    "Tennis is difficult and demanding. Your sport is a backyard sport. It's easy, people play it for fun. It's nothing like tennis.". The badminton player thinks about this and responds "No its very much like tennis. I''ll show you what I mean".

    The badminton player gets up, walks over to the tennis player and hugs him. The tennis player smiles and asks "what did you do that for?"

    The badminton player smiles. "See, that's "love all", we have love all in badminton too!"

    "Ok, that's very nice, but it's still a backyard sport, so it's not like tennis"

    The badminton player responds "Ok, you're not getting this. Look see that sign there, the restaraunt is now shut."

    "Huh? What's the restaurant being shut got to do with anything?"

    "That means the service is over, we have service over in badminton too!"

    The tennis player chuckles "you have "love all" and "service over" but you're still a backyard sport. So you're not like tennis at all. "

    The badminton player stands up. "Tell you what, I'll prove it to you, swap places with me."

    The tennis player sighs and gets up, and takes the badminton players seat. The badminton player sits down and says "see what I mean?"

    The tennis player shakes his head "no I don't"

    "We just changed ends. We have to change ends in badminton too!"

    The tennis player, now irritated with the conversation begins an attack on the badminton player. "Look, forget about "love all", "service over" and "change ends", badminton is a backyard sport, it's an easy game, people don't have to be fit, you can play outdoors. Tennis is a difficult proffessional sport. Badminton is nothing like tennis ok."

    "Maybe it is then". The badminton player promptly gets up, walks over and kicks the tennis player between the legs.

    The tennis player yelps in pain and rolls off the seat holding his crutch in agony. Rolling around he looks up at the badminton player and groans "arrrghh.. what did you do that for??"

    The badminton player smiles sweetly and says, "Actually, you're right, badminton isn't like tennis. I just proved it" and starts walking off.

    The tennis player still rolling on the floor groans and shouts after him "what??".

    The badminton player gets to the door, turns round and shouts. "We don't need new balls in badminton!"
     
    #11 UkPlayer, Aug 9, 2004
    Last edited: Aug 9, 2004
  12. bigredlemon

    bigredlemon Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 28, 2002
    Messages:
    2,096
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    T.O.
    but they do need new c**ks
    :D
     
  13. aznphi1osopher

    aznphi1osopher Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 7, 2004
    Messages:
    49
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    alameda
    he has a point, we always gota buy new shuttleCOCKS hahahahahahahaha ^_^
     
  14. aznphi1osopher

    aznphi1osopher Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 7, 2004
    Messages:
    49
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    alameda
    Two guys were hiking through the jungle when they spotted a tiger who looked both hungry and fast. One of the guys reached into his pack and pulled out a pair of Nikes. His friend looked at him.

    ''Do you really think those shoes are going to make you run faster than that tiger?''

    ''I don't have to run faster than that tiger,'' his friend replied. ''I just have to run faster than you.''
     
  15. UkPlayer

    UkPlayer Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 25, 2002
    Messages:
    970
    Likes Received:
    0
    Occupation:
    Academic
    Location:
    UK
    I spent ages on that, don't go picking holes in it :D
     
  16. aznphi1osopher

    aznphi1osopher Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 7, 2004
    Messages:
    49
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    alameda
    Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.

    They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

    The guy leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr-gerrrrr Kiiinnnggg."
     
  17. bighook

    bighook New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 16, 2004
    Messages:
    192
    Likes Received:
    0
    Occupation:
    student
    Location:
    burnaby british columbia
    Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test
    results.
    The nurse says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bitof a
    mix-
    up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife
    to the lab, the samples from another Mrs.Smith were sent as well and
    we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, it is either
    bad
    or terrible!"

    "What do you mean?" said Mr. Smith.

    Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the
    other
    Mrs. Smith has tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your
    wife."

    "That's terrible! said Mr. Smith. "Can we do the test over?"

    "Normally, yes. But with British Columbia Health Care, they won't pay
    for these expensive tests more than once."

    "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" said Mr. Smith.

    "B.C. Health recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of
    town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
     
  18. Gessle

    Gessle Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2004
    Messages:
    236
    Likes Received:
    0
    Occupation:
    Kuli
    Location:
    Home / Office
    A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court. But the custody of their child posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the child into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children. The judge asked for his side of the story too. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied, "Judge, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"
     
  19. Gessle

    Gessle Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2004
    Messages:
    236
    Likes Received:
    0
    Occupation:
    Kuli
    Location:
    Home / Office
    jackass!!!

    I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a telephone call that I had to make. I found the number and dialed it.
    A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"
    I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and may I please speak to Robin Carter?"
    Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying on my desk. I decided to call it again.
    When the same person once more answered, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and hung up.
    Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass" and put it in my desk drawer.
    Every couple of weeks when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He would answer and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!"
    It always cheered me up. Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me. I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number and heard his voice.
    "Hello?" I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our new caller ID program."
    He answered, "No!" and slammed down the receiver.
    I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!" The reason I'm taking the time to tell you this story is to show you how if there's ever anything bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 555-1212. (Keep reading, it gets better). One day an old lady at the mall was really taking her time pulling out of her parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move ever so slowly and she began backing out. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camero came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't do that, buddy! I was here first!" The guy got out of his Camero completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy is a jackass. There sure are a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park. The next day I was at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 555-1212 and yelling, "You're a jackass!" Then I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro and decided to call him too. After a couple of rings someone answered the phone.
    I asked, "Are you the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
    "Yes."
    "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
    "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car is parked right out front."
    I asked, "What's your name?" "My name is Don Hansen."
    "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
    "I'm home in the evenings."
    "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
    "Sure."
    "Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I added Don's number to my speed dialer. Now I had two jackasses to call whenever I had a bad day. However this wasn't as much fun as it used to be. So I thought about it and came up with a solution. First, I had my phone dial jackass #1.
    The man answered nicely and I yelled, "You're a jackass!" But I didn't hang up. The jackass said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah." He said, "Stop calling me." I said, "No!" He said,
    "What's your name, pal?" I said, "Don Hansen." He said, "Where do you live?" "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro is parked out front."
    "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
    "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" And I hung up. Then I called Jackass #2.
    He answered, "Hello." I said, "Hello, jackass!"
    He said, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" "I'll kick your butt."
    "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, jackass!"
    And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious! I watched two jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter I also taped it off the evening news!
     
    #19 Gessle, Aug 10, 2004
    Last edited: Aug 10, 2004
  20. Gessle

    Gessle Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2004
    Messages:
    236
    Likes Received:
    0
    Occupation:
    Kuli
    Location:
    Home / Office
    u r going to fail !!!

    As final exams neared, two students, very confident of their A averages in Chemistry class, decided to spend a weekend enjoying the social life of a nearby college. Although their Chemistry final was the first thing Monday morning they were reasonably certain they could pull it off. After a very late Sunday evening they overslept and did not arrive back on campus until Monday afternoon. In the hopes of avoiding failing the exam the two decided to tell their professor that they had a flat tire on the way back to campus. Sympathetic to the situation, the professor allowed them to make up the exam. After being seated in different rooms the two opened their exam books and began working.
    The first question, for 25 points, was a simple question on fusion. When they turned the page to answer the next question, however, both students shared the same look of despair though they were seated in different rooms.
    75 point question: Which tire was flat?
     

Share This Page