Jokes

That's More Like It!

"So what did you learn at Sunday school today?" Grandpa asked little Johnny.

"Oh, that's quite a story, grandpa," said Johnny.
"The Israeli convoy had reached the Red Sea when the Egyptians attacked with tanks.
As their formations approached, Moses ordered a pontoon bridge to be built.
He also ordered his heavy artillery to keep the tanks from getting too close.
The Israeli engineers assembled the rafts as quickly as possible and began moving the lighter vehicles across first.
Then the Egyptians called in their attack jets and scrambled a few squadrons as fast as they could.
As the planes began screaming in towards the Red Sea, Moses called for Surface-To-Air missiles.
The Israelis also beat off the infantry attacks using heavy machine guns and cluster bombs.
It was a hard battle but the Israeli guns, missiles and artillery managed to keep the Egyptian infantry, jets and tanks away.
And when the smoke had cleared, the Egyptian attack force had completely retreated.
Thanks to their military engineers, the Israelis also made it safely across the Red Sea.
It was indeed a miracle that not one was hurt."

Grandpa frowned. "Is this really what they taught you at Sunday School?"

"Well, grandpa," replied Johnny. "If I told you that, you'd never believe it."

 

Haven't heard even a giggle, much less a laugh, in the last 72 hours

 

Well, then here's the simplest of jokes:
'Singapore aims to win the 2008 Olympics MS Badminton Gold.'

 

go where?

our team is CMI one = Cannot Make It :crying:

 

Unfortunately, 'better' doesn't equal a medal.
Right now, our players are just pre-quarter fodder for the others. :crying:

 

How Do You Capture A Giant Panda?

OK, here's a simple one:

One Sunday morning, an old lady woke up to find a Giant Panda sitting in a tree in her backyard.

Shocked, she called the police.
The duty officer said they couldn't help as it wasn't engaged in any criminal activity.
She then called the fire force.
The fire officer said the force was trained to fight fires, not animals.
She then called the local zoo.
The man who answered said their animals were all accounted for and didn't want any more.
However, noting her distress, the man suggested she look up the Yellow Pages.
"Does it have black patches around the eyes, over the ears, and across its body?"
"Sure does."
"Turn to Animal Rescue," said the man, "and look under Giant Panda."

He was right.
There it was - 'Giant Panda Capturing Service'.
The old lady dialled the listed number.

"Morning, GPCS," said a male voice. "How may we help you?"
"Come quickly!" shouted the old lady. "There's this huge bear sitting in my tree."
"Does it have black patches around the eyes, over the ears, and across its body?"
"Sure does," she replied. "The zoo said it's a Giant Panda."
"OK," said the man. "Just one more thing -- is it male?"
"What's that?"
"Is it a male Giant Panda?"
"How am I supposed to know that?" snapped the old lady.
"Take a look, lady," replied the man. "It's important."
The old lady took a look.
"Yes, it is definitely male."
"Good," said the man, "because we capture only male Giant Pandas. Your address, please."
Hastily, the old lady gave her address.
"OK," said the man. "We'll be there tomorrow morning."
"Tomorrow?" cried the old lady. "Why not now?"
"Oh, my assistant doesn't work Sundays," replied the man, "and it takes two to capture it."
"Look, I could help," she said, desperate. "Please."
The man thought for a moment.
"Alright then," he finally replied. "I'll be there rightaway."

Sure enough, the man arrived in a truck painted with the sign GPCS.
He gathered his things near the tree - a gun, a pointed stick, a pair of handcuffs and a chihuahua.

"Ma'am," he said. "Listen carefully. This is what we're going to do."
The old lady listened carefully, one eye on the Giant Panda perched in her tree.
"First I'm gonna climb the tree," said the man. "Then, I'll poke the animal with this pointed stick until it falls out of the tree. Now, you see this chihuahua here?"
The old lady nodded.
"It's trained to bite between the legs," the man continued. "When it tries to do that, the Giant Panda will try to cover itself by crossing its hands over its balls. Then, all you need to do is put these handcuffs on the bear."

The old lady looked dazed.
"Lemme explain it again," said the man patiently. "I climb the tree, I poke the bear, the bear falls out, the dog tries to bite its balls, the bear crosses its hands... and you slip on the handcuffs. Got it?"

"You have a gun," said the old lady. "Why don't you just shoot the damn thing?"
"Oh no, I can't do that," replied the man. "Giant Pandas are a protected species. I'd get arrested if I shot it."
"Then what's the gun for?" asked the old lady, clearly exasperated.
"Oh, I forgot that part," said the man. "If I fall out first, shoot the dog."

 

I disagree
Very thick skin... darts won't pierce it
Nothing less than 20mm cannon will do