Jokes

This was an assignment for a student who is taking English as a second language. Keep this in mind when reading this one. Lim Ah Toy, a Chinese student, was asked to make a sentence using 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 and 10. Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1. This is what he came up with.

"1 day I go 2 climb up a 3 outside a house to peep. But couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rush out and want to 5 with me. I run until I feel 6 and throw up. I go to 7 eleven and grab some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab him. 10 God he run away. So, I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7 eleven. Next day, I call my boss and say I am 6. He said 5, tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work. He also ask me to climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand, I so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1. THE END."

and Lim Ah Toy graduated from his ESL class with honor.
 
things people actually said in court

Things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 18th
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when
he woke up that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?â€
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo.
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you
go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere.

Courtesy of datase.com
 
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“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.â€
Henny Youngman.

~

moses.gif
 
I would have gotten out today

A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn’t in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. “What’s the matter, dear?†she asks. “Why are you down here at this time of night?â€

The husband looks up from his coffee, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?†he asks solemnly.

“Yes, I do,†she replies.

“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?â€

“Yes, I remember,†says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues, “Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or I’ll send you to jail for 20 years?’â€

“I remember that, too,†she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, “I would have gotten out today.â€

*********
element.jpg


*****************

french_loose_again.jpg
DOUBLE ROF
 
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:).

MADE IN JAPAN

There was a Japanese who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport.

During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the Japanese leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"

And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars.

Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300. The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"

Thereupon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"
===============================================================================================================
OH MY GOD

Four mothers got together and were discussing their sons.

"Our family has a Royal blood." said the first proud woman. "When my son enters a room, people look at him and say, 'Oh, Your Highness'"

The second mother went on, "My son is a bishop. When he enters a room, people say, 'Oh, Your Excellency'"

"My son is a cardinal." continued the next one. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Oh, Your Eminence'"

The fourth mother thought for a moment. "My son is short, weighs 185 kilos, and bald," she said, "When he enters a room, people look at him and say, 'Oh My God !'"
===============================================================================================================
DAY OFF

Let's say that you're asking for a day off to your boss.
Now, let's see what might happen ;-)

Your boss might think:
So you want a day off, let's take a look at what you are asking for.

There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have two days off per week, leaving 261 day availiable for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving onl 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break that accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. with a one hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days available for work. We are off for 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.

We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work, and I'll be damned if you're going to take that day off!!!
===============================================================================================================
MYSTICS BETWEEN LINCOLN & KENNEDY

Think about this . . .

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congess in 1946.

Abrahan Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy wass elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both were shot in the head.

Here is an interesting one . . .

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names comprise fifteen letters.
Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre.

To cap it all off, Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

Little known fact:

One week before Lincoln's death, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
One week before Kennedy's death, he was in Marilyn Monroe.
===============================================================================================================
FLATUATION EXPLAINED

WHAT ARE YOU???
VAIN: A person who loves the smell of his own farts

AMIABLE: A person who loves the smell of other people's farts

PROUD: A person who thinks his farts are exceptionally fine

SHY: A person who releases silent farts and then blushes

IMPUDENT: A person who boldly farts out loud and then laughs

UNFORTUNATE: A person who tries awfully hard to fart but shits instead

SCIENTIFIC: A person who farts regularly but is only concerned about pollution

NERVOUS: A person who stops in the middle of his fart

HONEST: A person who admits he farted but offers good medical reasons

DISHONEST: A person who farts and then blames the dog

FOOLISH: A person who suppresses a fart for hours and hours

THRIFTY: A person who has several good farts in reserve

ANTI-SOCIAL: A person who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy

STRATEGIC: A person who conceals his farts with loud coughing

SADISTIC: A person who farts in bed and then fluffs the cover over his bedmate.

INTELLECTUAL: A person who can determine from the smell of his neighbor's fart precisely the latest food item consumed

ATHLETIC: A person who farts at the slightest exertion

MISERABLE: A person who would truly love to, but can't fart at all

SENSITIVE: A person who farts and then starts crying

===============================================================================================================
Automobile Acronyms

AUDI - Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

BMW - Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster

BUICK - Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer

CHEVROLET - Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

DODGE - Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

FIAT - Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix it again, Tony!

FORD - backwards -- Driver Returns On Foot
First On Recall Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fault Of R&D
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Found On Road Dead
Fix Or Repair Daily
Faster on Race Day

GM - General Maintenance

GMC - Garage Man's Companion
Gotta Mechanic Coming?

HONDA - Had One Never Did Again

HYUNDAI - Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...

MAZDA - Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

NISSAN - Needs increasingly special spendy automotive necessities

OLDSMOBILE - Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment

SAAB - Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.

TOYOTA - Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO - Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW - Virtually Worthless

===============================================================================================================
ALTERNATIVE ABBREVIATIONS FOR AIRLINE COMPANIES

AA (American Airlines) - Always Awful

ALITALIA - Always Late In Takeoff Always Late In Arrival
- Air Line In Tokyo And Luggage In Amsterdam

BOAC (British Overseas Airways Corp.) - Better On A Camel - Bloody Old and Careless

CA (China Airlines) - Choose Another

CAAC (Chinese Avation Airl.Comp.) - Chinese Airline Always Canceled
(Civil Aviation Authority of China ?) - China Airlines Almost (Always) crashes

CPA (Canadian Airl.Intl.) - Can't Promise Anything
(New code CAI) - Crash And Ignite
- Call Ambulance Immediately
- Circle Airport Indefinitely
- Cancel Alaskan Itinerary
- Check All Items

DELTA - Don't Ever Leave The Airport
- Don't Even Let Them Aboard (referring to the arabs?)
- Departing Even Later Than Anticipated

ELAL - Every Landing Always Late

GARUDA - Good And Reliable, Unfortunately Delay Always
- Go And Risk Uncertain Departure and Arrival

JAT (Yugoslav Airlines) - Joke About Time

LOT (Polish Airlines) - Last One There
- Luggage On Tarmack (wave 'bye!)

PA (Philippine Airways) - Please Avoid

PAL (Phil. Airlines) - Philippines Always Late

PAN AM - Plan On Arriving Nervewracked And Mad

PIA (Pakistan Intl.Airl) - Panic In Air
- Perhaps I Arrive

QANTAS - Queer And Nasty Types As Stewards

SABENA (Belgium) - Such A Bad Experience, Never Again

SAHSA (Servicio Aero Honduras SA) - Stay At Home, Stay Alive

SAS (Scandinavian Airl. System) - Sweet And Sexy

SIA - System Ini Ada

TACA - Take A Chance Airline

TAP (Portuguese Airl.) - Take Another Plane

TWA (Transworld Airl.) - Travel Without Arrival
- Terrorist Welcome Aboard
- Teenie Weenie Airlines
- Traveling Without Air
- Tiny Wings Aflappin'!!!!!
 
Automobile Acronyms

may i add:

GM - garbage motors

FORD - first on race day (from ford fans)

KIA - kill in accident
 
another dose of mary schneider

DEALING WITH CAR TROUBLE
by Mary Schneider
REFLECTIONS FROM A SCOTSWOMAN IN PENANG (m'sia)


When it comes to the maintenance and repair of all things mechanical,
I’m the first to admit that I’m a bit of an ignoramus. For the most
part, the innermost workings of a car are something of a mystery to me.
Sure, I can locate the battery, the dipstick and the radiator, but all
those rubber tubes and menacing chunks of metal are simply beyond me.

When things conk out beneath my car’s bonnet, I’d like nothing better
than to be able to call someone and say: “Please take care of this, I’m
late for a manicure!â€

I’m sure Catherine Zeta-Jones doesn’t have to deal with things like
flat tires and oil-changes and keeping her radiator topped up. When her
car breaks down, all she has to do is press the SOS button on her mobile
phone and her doting husband will make sure that everything’s taken
care of before she can say: “Michael, I don’t like it here!â€

Since I’m somewhat lacking in the doting-husband department, I don’t
really have anyone to whisk me away from it all when my car acts up. So
when I recently found myself stranded far from home with a dead
battery, I stared at my blank dashboard in disbelief and thought about the
disadvantages of the single life.

After I’d come to the conclusion that it would probably take a
complete personality overhaul to transform me into something remotely
marriageable, I turned my thoughts to the offending battery. How was it
possible for it to suddenly die without any warning? I thought batteries were
supposed to give some sign when they were about to expire: a wheeze, a
cough, a splutter, a last anguished cry as the final vestiges of life
slipped away. Was it possible that my battery was just in need of a
little resuscitation to get it going again?

I remembered someone saying that you should bang the top of an
unresponsive battery with a heavy object, just in case the connections had
worked loose. In the absence of an appropriate object, I contemplated
using my fists but quickly changed my mind after studying the white, crusty
formations on top of the battery. I then considered my shoes – a chunky
heel might just do the trick.

As I stood there with a shoe in one hand, poised to strike, I wavered.
My footwear had cost considerably more than a new battery, and I wasn’t
sure if I wanted to risk of spoiling the leather with all that leaking
acid.

At this stage, the early afternoon sun was beating down so ferociously
that the perspiration was dripping into my eyes. If I didn’t do
something fast, I would soon be blinded by a sticky mass of half-dissolved
mascara.

Then, just as I was banging the battery connections with my shoe, a
well-dressed man stopped beside my car. I looked up and smiled at him in
what I thought was a rather alluring manner – the same manner that I
thought would have men falling over themselves to assist me.

He responded by quickly turning on his heel and heading towards a
nearby shop.

Ignoring this blatant rejection of my womanly wiles, I tried to start
the engine again. Still nothing.

I then glanced at my reflection in my rear-view mirror. Disintegrated
mascara (extra black) circled my eyes. I had all the allure of someone
who’d gone ten rounds with Mike Tyson.

It was obviously time to call in the experts. I phoned my mechanic and
did something that I’m not all that proud of: I slipped into “woe is
me†mode – another of my womanly wiles. My conversation went something
like this: “You big, strong man. Me weak, little woman. You come and save
me?†It usually works – but so does the prospect of selling someone a
new battery, I can imagine.

While waiting for my battery to arrive, I sought refuge from the
relentless sun beneath a shop’s awning.

I must have stood there for about 10 minutes, scanning the entrance to
the road, when I heard voices behind me. I turned and saw a group of
elderly men walking towards me. Ignoring them, I resumed my watch for my
mechanic.

“Look at the red-haired monkey’s bottom!†said one of the men in
Hokkien as he referred to my derrière.

Immediately, my ears pricked up. My very basic command of Hokkien can
often be enlightening, especially when others assume that I can’t
understand what they’re saying.

Another old man grunted something in response, and I spun round to
look at them. Just then, one of the group stumbled and fell off the
pavement. Fortunately, he was unhurt, but his friends stopped and laughed.

“Ha! You cannot look and walk at the same time! It’s too dangerous,â€
joked one of them.

As I was thinking of something clever to say to them, my mechanic
pulled up next to me and the moment was gone.

“Do you think my bottom looks big in these pants?†I wanted to ask my
saviour as he removed the expired battery from my car, but I thought
better of it. Instead, I smiled at him alluringly.

At least, I hope it was alluringly.
 
Getting Up To Speed


But then Again by MARY SCHNEIDER
Reflections from a Scotswoman in Penang

In the past year, my fingernails have grown about 36.5mm; my two
teenagers have collectively sprouted 10cm in height; and my hair has grown
almost 15cm in length. I have written enough words to fill two
decent-sized novels, slept for approximately 2,900 hours, read 45 books, added a
few more wrinkles to my growing facial collection, undergone neck
surgery, lost a loved one and made a new friend.

During those same 12 months, I also waited more than 8,000 hours for a
broadband Internet connection to be established at my house.

Just imagine, if you will, how lethargic some people must be if you
can watch a fingernail grow to more than double its length and still not
have any idea when they are coming to check your telephone line. In the
time it took me to get connected, it would have been possible for
someone to get pregnant and give birth, or learn a new language, or become
an American Idol, or write, produce, direct and star in an Oscar-winning
movie, or get re-elected as president.

If you get the impression that I spent almost a year waiting patiently
and quietly for the telephone to ring, think again! There were days
when I was loud and impatient. Days when I’m sure I had homicidal
tendencies. Days when the mere sight of a certain telecommunications centre
(TC) had me fighting the urge to call them up and give them a piece of
something they hadn’t bargained for.

Initially, I was told that it was impossible to obtain a broadband
connection in my area. “You’re too far away,†TC frontline personnel
informed me in unsympathetic tones, “but we’ll let you know if the situation
changes.â€

Whenever I dropped by the TC to check on my status, the same personnel
would look at me as if I’d just walked in with a turd stuck to the sole
of my shoe. I always got the feeling I was asking them for a
ridiculously enormous favour, like making an appeal for them to donate one of
their pristine kidneys to replace the polluted two that presently inhabit
my body.

Then a neighbour in my technology-deficient suburb in Outer Siberia
told me that he’d had broadband installed a few months before. Armed with
this information, I rushed down to the TC and spoke to one of the women
on duty. She looked at me as if I’d just told her that Penang was
shrouded in three inches of snow. Then she told me, yet again, that no one
in my neighbourhood had broadband connection.

Despite my optimism I was prepared for this eventuality. I quickly
depressed the eject button on the side of the hapless woman’s desk,
sending her flying through the roof and into orbit around a
telecommunications satellite. Well, that’s what I would like to have done. Instead, I
calmly gave her my neighbour’s telephone number and asked her to check it
for herself. As she tapped away at her computer keyboard, I sat there
feeling a little smug. When the tapping stopped, though, I knew by the
expression on her face that the news wasn’t good. “Sorry!†she said,
sounding not in the least bit sorry. “There must be some mistake. The
system says your neighbour’s line is still under investigation.â€

“Some mistake!†I said, my voice beginning to quiver a little. “The
mistake must be with your system!â€

I thought about an acquaintance who had been fobbed off with yet
another story at the same TC the month before. Frustrated that she wasn’t
able to get the same connection that others in her neighbourhood enjoyed,
she had sat down and informed the person on duty that she would stay at
the TC until she got what she wanted. That same day, someone was
dispatched to her house to check her telephone line. I would hate to have
someone call my bluff in such a situation. Besides, this acquaintance is
tall and commanding while I’m short and capable of being physically
thrown out the nearest window.

However, I puffed out my chest (a waste of time with another woman),
pulled myself up to my full height (it helps when the other person is
seated), and demanded to see the manager. A few minutes later, I was
speaking to a delightful woman. She listened to my story, made a few phone
calls and told me that a technician would be around as soon as possible
to check my line. The next day, someone showed up – but I was out.

When I finally tracked the technician down, he told me the
nintopanerodialbetonic line (or something like that) needed to be repaired, and he
would be in touch when it was in working order again. There then
followed months of some of the most ridiculous stories telling me why I
couldn’t have broadband connection.

Listening to one excuse after another, I was reminded of a friend who
used to have a maid who was notorious for not turning up for work. Her
reasons were often tragic and a little far-fetched. She was either sick
or her daughter was sick, or her cousin’s second cousin, twice removed,
was having a baby and she had to help with the delivery. Once, her
mother had to have a leg amputated – the following week a religious
ceremony was held for the amputated limb. And the week after that, the amputee
passed away. Two years later, this maid’s mother was seen getting on a
bus along with her daughter and their four legs.

The technicians responsible for testing my line had similarly
far-fetched stories to tell: the people authorising the line check were on
holiday; the lines in my neighbourhood needed to be changed; the TC didn’t
have an order number to process my application; I had requested the
wrong package and needed to reapply; broadband in Penang had been
suspended until further notice ...

Is it any wonder that I’ve got a few more wrinkles?

#####
-i wonder how much of the things she says are true, but you can't deny she's got a way with phrasing sentences that make you laugh like a nutter ;)-

 
NHL = No Hockey League

Negotiation stalled because players and owners don't understand each other.
Fans have no problem understanding either parties, they're both GREEDY.
 
Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.
Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery.
A kind old neighbor woman mistook him for John and said: "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The darn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!" The old woman fainted.
 
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner she would like to go out and have s-e-x for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had s-e-x before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and s-e-x.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
 
Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine S-e-x.
Now S-e-x has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for S-e-x. He said, "I'd like to have one, too." Then I said, "But this is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "But you don't understand. I've had S-e-x since I was nine years old." He said I must have been quite a kid.
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for S-e-x. He said every room in the place was for s-e-x. I said, "You don't understand. S-e-x keeps me awake at night!" The clerk said, "Me too."
One day I entered S-e-x in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have S-e-x in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have S-e-x on TV." He called me a show-off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight custody of the dog. I said, "Your honor, I had S-e-x before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, S-e-x left me. He said, "Me too."
Last night S-e-x ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for S-e-x."
My case comes up Friday.
 
Oxford's latest definitions

The Oxford Dictionary's latest definition of the following words:

Divorce : Future tense of marriage.

Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other

Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either

Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears :The hydraulic force by which masculine will-
power is defeated by feminine water power.

Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens
and everybody disagrees later on.

Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know
more than you actually do.

Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and
sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Father : A banker provided by nature.

Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Doctor :A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
 
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