Jokes

Discussion in 'Chit-Chat' started by Gessle, Aug 8, 2004.

  1. Pete LSD

    Pete LSD Regular Member

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    Ehh, this is not even funny, Chris. :confused:
     
  2. azabaz_ipoh

    azabaz_ipoh Regular Member

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    it is. because people order chinese food (takeaway i think) by numbers. hahahahaha :D so while the girl is thinking kama sutra, he is thinking chinese food. :p
     
  3. Oldhand

    Oldhand Moderator

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    Er, the joke is now on Pete_LSD :D
     
  4. Oldhand

    Oldhand Moderator

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    At a party, a man was raving about his new hearing-aid.

    "I bought this in London," he said. "It's German engineering at its best, and the initial research was done in Japan. It's endorsed by NASA and has just won a Dutch Award for Quality. It's the smallest and lightest hearing-aid ever made... and the best part is that I can now hear a leaf drop 200 feet away."

    "Wow", exclaimed one of the listeners. "So, what did you pay for it?"

    "Seven o'clock," said the man.
     
  5. saifii

    saifii Regular Member

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    (in my country clapping is called a "tali")
    one guy told another that in afghanistan people dont clap at birthdays,dance or party
    the other guy asks why?
    coz in afghanistan there is "tali"ban
     
  6. Pete LSD

    Pete LSD Regular Member

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    What :p? You took my joke :D.

     
  7. cooler

    cooler Regular Member

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    World's oldest joke traced back to 1900 BC

    Thu Jul 31, 8:01 AM ET


    The world's oldest recorded joke has been traced back to 1900 BC and suggests that toilet humor was as popular with the ancients as it is today.

    It is a saying of the Sumerians, who lived in what is now southern Iraq and goes: "Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap."

    It heads the world's oldest top 10 joke list published by the University of Wolverhampton on Thursday.

    A 1600 BC gag about a pharaoh, said to be King Snofru, comes second -- "How do you entertain a bored pharaoh? You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish."

    The oldest British joke dates back to the 10th Century and reveals the bawdy face of the Anglo-Saxons -- "What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before? Answer: A key."

    "Jokes have varied over the years, with some taking the question and answer format while others are witty proverbs or riddles," said the report's writer Dr Paul McDonald, senior lecturer at the university.

    "What they all share however, is a willingness to deal with taboos and a degree of rebellion. Modern puns, Essex girl jokes and toilet humor can all be traced back to the very earliest jokes identified in this research."

    The study was commissioned by television channel Dave. The top 10 oldest jokes can be viewed at www.dave-tv.co.uk.

    (Reporting by John Joseph; Editing by Steve Addison)

    ------------
    oldest joke traced back to BC..LOL
     
  8. madbad

    madbad Regular Member

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    All Puns Intended

    Oh Gawd.... enjoy

    1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

    2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'

    3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

    4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

    5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'

    6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?'

    7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.' 'Is it common?' Well, 'It's Not Unusual.'

    8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

    9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

    10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

    11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

    12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!'

    13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

    14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

    15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

    16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

    17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. 'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

    18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

    19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ..... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

    20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.

    No pun in ten did.
     
  9. Oldhand

    Oldhand Moderator

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    Hats off to the chaps who worked on these lines!
    "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious' is the best :D
     
  10. wood_22_chuck

    wood_22_chuck Regular Member

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    No bull, camouflage trousers, funny tasting clown, mussel, and super-calloused ... are absolute killers! :D

    -dave
     
  11. Oldhand

    Oldhand Moderator

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    From today, I'm gonna use the expression 'Deja Moo' a lot.
    For some reason, it suits a lot of what I hear in my office :D
     
  12. ctjcad

    ctjcad Regular Member

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    #952 ctjcad, Jul 31, 2008
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2008
  13. azabaz_ipoh

    azabaz_ipoh Regular Member

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    i love the mahatma gandhi one too :D:D:D:D:p
     
  14. huangkwokhau

    huangkwokhau Regular Member

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    I got email from my friend, hope it has not been posted yet...

    Learn Chinese for Olympics... ( You MUST read them outloud)

    English Chinese

    That's not right Sum Ting Wong

    See me ASAP Kum Hia Nao

    Are you harbouring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding

    Stupid Man Dum Fuk

    Small Horse Tai ni Po Ni

    Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan

    I think you need a face lift Chin Tu Fat

    It is very dark in here! Wai So Dim

    This is a tow away zone! No Pah King

    I thought you were on a diet! Wai Yu Mun Ching

    Staying out of sight! Lei Ying Loh

    Great Fa Kin Su Pa
     
  15. ctjcad

    ctjcad Regular Member

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    There are a couple of them..

    ...that if read aloud, will definitely deserve a deletion by kwun/mods...:p
     
  16. Oldhand

    Oldhand Moderator

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    You should have mentioned that it's PG-rated :mad:

    I read this aloud (and slowly too) in the office... and a colleague looked in to ask who I was scolding :eek:
     
  17. madbad

    madbad Regular Member

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    .... SUCKAAAAAAAAAAA!!! (Poor oldhand) :D:D:D:D:D:D
     
  18. huangkwokhau

    huangkwokhau Regular Member

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    :D:D:D:D...................Gotcha!!..It is still PG-rated in my standard...!:p:p
     
  19. erin_hakkinen

    erin_hakkinen Regular Member

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    OMG hauge!! i laughed so hard my parents can hear me downstairs!!
    HAHAHAHAHA!!
     
  20. ctjcad

    ctjcad Regular Member

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    ^^I hope..^^

    ...you didn't say those words aloud...;)
     

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