> Here are 12 of the finest double-entendres that were aired on British TV > & Radio :- > > > 1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoria from > Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!' > > > 2 . New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl > Gibson comes inside of him.' > > > 3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely > horse. I once rode her mother.' > > > 4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't > that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the > Oxford crew.' > > > 5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is > playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his > balls and kisses them .... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!' > > > 6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team > Live' > said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.' > > > 7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have > snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's > that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to > leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so > hard! > > > 8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better > today after a 69 yesterday.' > > > 9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: > 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like > this.' > > > 10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen > Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.' > > > 11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male > astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: They > seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in > his shorts.' > > > 12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny > Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to > use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it himself.
A couple of light & silly jokes.. ..here are a couple jokes which some of you guys might've seen before..if not, enjoy! ========================================================== Chelsea Clinton Visits Iraq On a recent visit to Iraq, Chelsea Clinton asked a U.S. Army General what his greatest fear was. His reply was: "Osama...Obama...and Yo Mama" ========================================================== Children's phrases A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic! 1. Don't change horses l until they stop running. 2. Strike while the l bug is close. 3. It's always darkest before l Daylight Saving Time. 4. Never underestimate the power of l termites. 5. You can lead a horse to water but l How? 6. Don't bite the hand that l looks dirty. 7. No news is l impossible 8. A miss is as good as a l Mr. 9. You can't teach an old dog new l Math 10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll l stink in the morning. 11. Love all, trust l Me. 12. The pen is mightier than the l pigs. 13. An idle mind is l the best way to relax. 14. Where there's smoke there's l pollution. 15. Happy the bride who l gets all the presents. 16. A penny saved is l not much. 17. Two's company, three's l the Musketeers. 18. Don't put off till tomorrow what l you put on to go to bed. 19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and l You have to blow your nose. 20. There are none so blind as l Stevie Wonder. 21. Children should be seen and not l spanked or grounded. 22. If at first you don't succeed l get new batteries. 23. You get out of something only what you l see in the picture on the box 24. When the blind lead the blind l get out of the way. 25. A bird in the hand l is going to poop on you. And the WINNER and last one! 26. Better late than l Pregnant
TEACHER: How can you prevent deseases caused by biting insects? student: Don't bite any. A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They ... for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looksover at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... (She is speaking in a cheery voice)"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?" "Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
New Cereal Box for 2008.. ..just want to share this, since the U.S. is in the midst of a hotly contested campaign for new U.S. Presidential nominees.. ========================================================== I've been saying for the last couple of years, lets have a political revolution and vote all the bums out and start fresh. We couldn't do any worse, even if they are all new members of the Senate and House.
Handphone ringing.. ..(not sure if you guys've seen this video before or not; could be a fake or done on purpose also)..w/sound.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E3TqCNuMYbg
Don't step on the ducks! some of you might've read this before..if not, enjoy! ========================================================== Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks. It's as simple as that." So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man." The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together, with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. But one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, muscular, and thin, with long eyelashes. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
Ageless wit and observations.. AGELESS WIT AND OBSERVATIONS (some of these you guys probably have seen before).. ========================================================= "If you don't read the newspaper, you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed." Mark Twain ___________________________ Suppose you were an idiot. and suppose you were a member of Congress.... but then I repeat myself. -Mark Twain ________________________ I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. -Winston Churchill _______________________ A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. - George Bernard Shaw _______________________ A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -G. Gordon Liddy _____________________ Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. -James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994) _____________________________ Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. -Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University _________________________ Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian ___________________________ Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. -Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850) ___________________________ Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. -Ronald Reagan (1986) ____________________________ I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. -Will Rogers _____________________ If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! -P. J. O'Rourke ______________ In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. -Voltaire (1764) _________________________ Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! -Pericles (430 B.C.) ______________ No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. -Mark Twain (1866 ) __________________ Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. -Unknown _________________ The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. -Ronald Reagan _____________________ The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. -Winston Churchill _______________ The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. -Mark Twain ___________________ The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. -Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903) ____________________ There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress. -Mark Twain ________________ What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. -Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995) ______________ A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. -Thomas Jefferson
Finding A Job (i'm sure some of you guys have seen this one before)... Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6am. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA) , designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA) After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN CANADA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN VIETNAM) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN MEXICO) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) filled it with GAS (from SAUDI ARABIA) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (MADE IN MALAYSIA) , Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA) , and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA ...
Peanuts A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, "Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?". "We can't chew them be cause we've no teeth", she replied. The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?" The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them." It pays to be careful around old people !
"There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress. " save congress? what does this quote mean?? Anyway thanks for the wonderful quotes ctjcad
it is contagious, watch this girl is watching that video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iys86OcXPY8&feature=related
9 months to download . For us who are always downloading with our computers, don't be surprised to overhear what some children talk about these days...... [SIZE=-1][/SIZE] .
