Light jokes for the weekend.. ..couple of light jokes (you guys probably have seen these; if not, enjoy) =========================================================== Weapons of Math Instruction A public school teacher was arrested today at JFK International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide rule, and a multi-function calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra continues to be a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the ax is of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say,' There are 3 sides to every triangle.'" When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes!" =========================================================== The Pope & Hillary Clinton The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd. 'Her Majesty' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?" He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. "That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice." The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me." So the Pope slapped her.
Name That Animal Eddie's first-grade class was having a game of Name That Animal. The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?" "A cat!" said Suzy. "Good job! Now, what's this animal?" "A dog!" said Ricky. "Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer. The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad." "A horny bastard!" called out Eddie.
I think many Malaysians might have read it from sms. ======================================================= Never marry HOTLINK girl, she will express herself! Never marry TMNET girl, she will have a connection all over Malaysia! Never marry CELCOM girl, she will never miss on opportunity! Marry a DIGI girl, she will follow where ever you go! =======================================================
Some light, silly & cute humors.. ..some of you have probably seen there; if not, enjoy! ========================================================== "Chu & Stu" I was expecting my Asian friend Chu to arrive at the airport and want to be picked up at the same time that I had a pressing commitment elsewhere. I simply couldn't be in two places at once, but I couldn't get out of my previous commitment. What to do? Then I remembered that my friend Stuart had offered several times to help me if he ever could in any way. Maybe he could solve my problem. So I called him up, explained my dilemma to him, and asked him, "Please, Stu, meet Chu." =================================================== A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order." The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have a scotch and soda." ============================================================== Man Quits Smoking Because Of Will Power. He Quits Drinking Because Of Will Power. But He Quits Womanizing Because He Has The Will But No Power. ============================================================== Little Susie came running into the house after school one day,shouting, "Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!" "That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy. "Come in to the living room and tell me about it." "Well," began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math's and 20 in science." ============================================================= Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup. Waiter : Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers. ============================================================= Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup. Waiter : That's all right sir, he won't drink much. ============================================================= Waiter : I have stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg. Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card. ============================================================= Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup. Waiter : So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard? ============================================================= Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up? Waiter : I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller. ============================================================= Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny. Waiter : Funny? But then why aren't you laughing? ============================================================= 1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window! 2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor. 1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions . ============================================================= An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist. 'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.' 'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist. 'How long has what been going on?' said the man. ============================================================= Girl : Do you love me? Boy : Yes Dear. Girl : Would you die for me? Boy : No, mine is undying love. ============================================================= Wife : Do you want dinner? Husband : Sure, what are my choices? Wife : Yes and no.
A+ ..some of you have probably read this; if not, enjoy! ==================================================== Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix: The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached." The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary. THE STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca) At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question. (second paragraph by Gary) Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit. (Rebecca) He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully. (Gary) Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted, wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty, the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie. (Rebecca) This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent. (Gary) Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air-headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!" (Rebecca) *blip* (Gary) *blip* (Rebecca) *blip* (Gary) Go drink some tea - *blip* (TEACHER) A+ - I really liked this one.
Before and after marriage.. ..ok, some of you probably have read this; if not, enjoy! *Oldhand or mods, would you mind deleting my post #865 above; it's a repeat of the one below it/above this one-thanks! ==================================================== Before marriage.... He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait. She: Do you want me to leave? He: No! Don't even think about it. She: Do you love me? He: Of course! Over and over! She: Have you ever cheated on me? He: No! Why are you even asking? She: Will you kiss me? He: Every chance I get. She: Will you hit me? He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person! She: Can I trust you? He: Yes. She: Darling! After marriage.... Simply read from bottom to top.
Light humors.. ..okay, some of you probably have read these...if not, enjoy! ===================================================== Sum it up with common sense.. Father/Daughter talk - A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words redistribution of wealth. She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had, for years, harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his. One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school. Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and she let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load. She was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying. Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?" She replied, Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over. Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA." The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!" The father slowly smiled, winked, and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican party." If anyone has a better explanation of the difference between Republican and Democrat, I'm all ears. ======================================================== DUCK FEED A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed? "The clerk tells him, "No, we don't have a market for it so we don't carry it." The duck says, "Okay," and leaves. The next day, the duck walks in to the feed store and asks,"Got any duck feed?" Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves. Next day, the duck walks in, and asks, "Got any duck feed?" The clerk says, "I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor." The duck leaves. The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?""No." "Got any duck feed?" ======================================================== Two Prawns (Oldhand might like this one).. Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn. I wish I was a shark then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten." As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted," and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time went on (as it inevitably does.....) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin thought that maybe the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is back as a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he Set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend. Come out and see me again." "Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked." Justin cried back, "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed. I found Cod, I'm a prawn again Christian" ===================================================== BIG! There was a blind man who decided to visit Texas.When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
Four Great Short Stories!.. ..(might sound like jokes) but these are some patriotic stories & if some of you haven't read it, enjoy; if you have, good stories to be reminded.. ========================================================= Four Great Short Stories! When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of 'empire building' by George Bush. He answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those who did not return.' It became very quiet in the room. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Then there was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?' A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities: they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day; they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day; and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?' Once again, dead silence. ~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A US Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the US , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, 'whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.' He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'** Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied. ''Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.' You could have heard a pin drop. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE. A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France on a tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, was one of the group who had arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on 'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. 'Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.' The American said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.' 'Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France !' The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. 'Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44 to liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to'
Mike And Nancy.. some of you probably have read this; if not, enjoy.. =================================================== Mike and Nancy were married for 40 years and decided they wanted to renew their vows and planned a second wedding. They were discussing the details with their friends. Nancy wasn't going to wear a traditional bridal gown and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear. One of her friends asked what color shoes she had to go with the dress. She replied, "Silver." At that point, her husband chimed in, "Yep, silver...to match her hair." Shooting a glaring look at Mike's bald spot, Nancy's friend said, "So, Mike, I guess you are going barefoot."
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.' He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!' Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.' He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!' Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't ! worry, I have a plan, Cheers!' They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.' The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!' Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub
Win 2 Tickets All Expenses Paid Including Air Fares To The 2008 Beijing Olympic Games ..just for fun guys; if you haven't seen this, enjoy! ================================================== WIN 2 TICKETS ALL EXPENSES PAID INCLUDING AIR FARES TO THE 2008 OLYMPIC GAMES IN BEIJING, CHINA To participate is very easy, just view the attached photo, correctly answer the following questions and send your answers to: International Olympic Committee, Private Bag, Lausanne , Switzerland . 1. Which student seems to appear tired / sleepy? 2. Which ones are male twins? 3. Which ones are the female twins? 4. How many women are in the group? 5. Which one is the teacher? Good Luck! I GUESS YOU ARE NOT GOING EITHER HAHAHAHA!!
