Jokes

Discussion in 'Chit-Chat' started by Gessle, Aug 8, 2004.

  1. slvrdrgn123

    slvrdrgn123 Regular Member

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    ^ LOL

    How much for a first class ticket on Slut?
     
  2. cooler

    cooler Regular Member

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    So you wanna join the mile high club huh:confused: :p
     
  3. Qidong

    Qidong Regular Member

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    Is there really a "Slut Airline"? Who will name its company to "Slut"? :confused:
     
  4. yy_ling

    yy_ling Regular Member

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    lol no, this is a joke section we are crapping around
     
  5. Baderz_Jas

    Baderz_Jas Regular Member

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    haha :p :D that's hilarious :rolleyes: :)
     
  6. Gessle

    Gessle Regular Member

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    There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

    One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

    "Dear God,

    I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check.

    Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

    Sincerely,
    Edna"


    The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

    The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

    Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read,

    "Dear God,

    How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

    By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office.

    Sincerely yours
    Edna"
     
  7. FEND.

    FEND. Regular Member

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    Nice one gessle!! LOL. Letter to god.
     
  8. ctjcad

    ctjcad Regular Member

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    $6 Million in damages??..

    ok guys, don't really know if this is a joke or not...wonder if the tax money will be used to pay the bloke-and maybe our UK/England BC folks can verify this story..:rolleyes: :p ;)
    ==========================================================
    LONDON (Reuters) - A devout Christian who said an accident at work boosted his libido and wrecked his marriage as he turned to prostitutes and pornography was awarded more than 3 million pounds ($5.89 million):eek: in damages Tuesday.
    Stephen Tame, 29, from Suffolk, suffered severe head injuries in a fall, transforming him from a loyal newlywed into a "disinhibited" character who had two affairs.
    He was in a coma for two months after falling from a gantry while working at a bicycle warehouse shortly after his marriage in January 2002. Doctors said it was a miracle he survived.
    Awarding him 3.1 million pounds in compensation at London's High Court, Judge Michael Harris said: "His life and the life of his young wife were shattered."
    His former employer, Professional Cycle Marketing, of Essex, had argued through their lawyers that his injuries were not as bad as suggested in court.
     
  9. hiroisuke

    hiroisuke Regular Member

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    I think that's ridiculous. Blaming his "disinhibited" character on that. Furthermore, it doesn't say why he fell, was it his fault? Or just an accident? In either case, he shouldn't be paid that much. Now, if someone did it on purpose, that would make slightly more sense. But I doubt he could have earned 3.1 million pounds by working at a bicycle warehouse, and the possibility that his character was that way because of the fall is also quite absurd. LOL. Dang Judge.
     
  10. slvrdrgn123

    slvrdrgn123 Regular Member

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    Let's just hope we don't have any judges like over here.
     
  11. ctjcad

    ctjcad Regular Member

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    ^^^Hmm, indeed it's a bizarre decision by the judge...Or maybe...^^^

    ..Mr. Tame & the judge had some "behind the door" secret agreement...The judge awarded him the payment and the guy will *at least* split 30% of the payment with the judge?!?!..:eek: :rolleyes: :p ;)
     
    #491 ctjcad, Dec 19, 2006
    Last edited: Dec 19, 2006
  12. ctjcad

    ctjcad Regular Member

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    English or German??..

    ..just for all the "linguists" out there...:p ;):) ..
    ==================================================
    The European Commission has just announced an
    agreement whereby English will be the official
    language of the European Union rather than
    German, which was the other possibility.

    As part of the negotiations, the British Government
    conceded that English spelling had some room for
    improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in
    plan that would become known as "Euro-English" .

    In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".
    Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with
    joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k".
    This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan
    have one less letter. There will be growing publik
    enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
    troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will
    make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

    In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new
    spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where!
    more komplikated changes are possible.

    Governments will enkourage the removal of double
    letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate
    speling.

    Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e"
    in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

    By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such
    as
    replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

    During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd
    from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve
    vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

    Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil
    find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a
    united urop vil finali kum tru.

    Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German
    like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

    If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
     
  13. wilfredlgf

    wilfredlgf Regular Member

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    You vil find zat zis has ben posted befor. Stil funy zogh.
     
  14. ctjcad

    ctjcad Regular Member

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    Couple more...

    ...as we're finishing the yr and entering a new yr...(don't know if these have been posted before or not)..:p ;) :)
     

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  15. cooler

    cooler Regular Member

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    “What's the difference between mechanical and civil engineers?

    Civil engineers design targets, mechanical engineers design weapons.”


    ~ Oscar Wilde
     
  16. slvrdrgn123

    slvrdrgn123 Regular Member

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    lol, natural enemies, haha.
     
  17. cooler

    cooler Regular Member

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    no no, they need each other. It's a symbiosis relationship:D
     
  18. cao ci dan

    cao ci dan Regular Member

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    #498 cao ci dan, Dec 21, 2006
    Last edited: Dec 21, 2006
  19. crosscourt

    crosscourt Regular Member

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    Yes. I think it's true! I saw the article in a number of different newspapers. It does seem to make sense though. If you can prove a link between your change in behaviour and the accident then I think the person who caused you to have the accident should pay (but then I'm a lawyer and this kind of thing is what pays for my mortgage!)
     
  20. slvrdrgn123

    slvrdrgn123 Regular Member

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    Several men are in the locker room of a golf
    club.
    A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

    Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

    MAN: “Hello.”
    WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
    MAN: “Yes.”
    WOMAN: “I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”
    MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
    WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked.”
    MAN: “How much?”
    WOMAN: “$90,000.”
    MAN: “OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options.”
    WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing …..the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000.”
    MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price.”
    WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!!”
    MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”

    The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape…..

    Then he smiles and asks: “Anyone know who this phone belongs to?”
     

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