Jokes

Discussion in 'Chit-Chat' started by Gessle, Aug 8, 2004.

  1. extremenanopowe

    extremenanopowe Regular Member

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    lmao..
    The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £30. Go and buy yourself some underwear." Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!" Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any." The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit.".
     
  2. extremenanopowe

    extremenanopowe Regular Member

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    Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.

    She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet.

    "Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

    "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

    Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE???"

    Then she heard a faint voice from far, far below...

    "We're down here."
     
  3. silentheart

    silentheart Regular Member

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    These joke has a lot of truth in it.

    An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on
    board, but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger, Holly Madison
    said, "I have my own reality show and I am the smartest and
    prettiest woman at Playboy, so Americans don't want me to
    die." She took the first pack and jumped out of the plane.

    The second passenger, John McCain, said, "I'm a Senator, and a
    decorated war hero from an elite Navy unit from the United
    States of America." So he grabbed the second pack and jumped.

    The third passenger, Barack Obama said, "I am the President of
    the United States and I am the smartest ever in the history of
    our country, some even call me the 'Anointed One.'" So he
    grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out.

    The fourth passenger, Billy Graham said to the fifth
    passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life
    and served my God the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let
    you have the last parachute."

    The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. Graham. There's a
    parachute left for you. America 's smartest President took
    my schoolbag."
    --------
    A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

    The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

    She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican.

    "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

    "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

    The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama-Democrat."

    "I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

    "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are -- or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."...
    --------
    While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
    Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his role as our president.
    The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle''.
    Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.
    The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.
    The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just Wonder what kind of dumb #$%$ put him up there to begin with."
     
  4. extremenanopowe

    extremenanopowe Regular Member

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    Psychiatrist phone

    Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

    If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

    If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

    If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

    If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

    If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

    If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

    If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

    If you are phobic, don't press anything.

    If you are anal retentive, please hold.
     
  5. extremenanopowe

    extremenanopowe Regular Member

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    Two very old men, feeling that their final days are drawing near, decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

    The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, 'Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed'. These two are so old and so drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them they won't know the difference.'

    The manager does as he's told, and the two old men go upstairs and take care of business.

    As they're walking home, the first man says, 'You know, I think my girl was dead!'

    'Dead? says his friend. 'Why do you say that?'

    'Well, she never moved or made a sound, all the time I was loving her.'

    'Could be worse,' says his friend. 'I think mine was a witch!'

    'A witch?? Why the hell would you say that?'

    'Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite. Then she farted and flew out the window. Took my teeth with her!'.
     
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  6. extremenanopowe

    extremenanopowe Regular Member

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    wakaka..

    Brian had been in Police work for 25 years.

    Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible.

    He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

    After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

    'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'

    'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.'

    As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'

    'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

    Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.

    'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

    'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! ..

    I'll be there. Thanks again.'

    'More'n likely be some wild se * x, too,'

    'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.. By the way, what should I wear?'

    'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.
     
  7. extremenanopowe

    extremenanopowe Regular Member

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    Have a good 2014. Enjoy life. ;)
    A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt." A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your *** life?" The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless. At the same time he thinks this might be a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole." The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your *** life?" The golfer shrugs and says "Sure.", and he makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your *** life to win this match?" The golfer says "Certainly!", and again he makes an eagle. As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I"ve really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no *** life." "Nice to meet you." says the golfer. I'm Father O'Malley.
     
  8. extremenanopowe

    extremenanopowe Regular Member

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    Geography of a Woman + for blokes with a sense of humour ...


    The Geography of a Woman

    [​IMG]
    Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered,
    half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!




    [​IMG]
    Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe . Well developed

    and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.


    [​IMG]
    Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain . Very hot,
    relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.




    [​IMG]
    Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece . Gently

    aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.



    [​IMG]
    Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain ,
    with a glorious and all conquering past.




    [​IMG]
    Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel . Has been

    through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice,
    takes care of business.



    [​IMG]
    Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada .
    Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.




    [​IMG]
    After 70, she becomes Tibet .Wildly beautiful, with a

    mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An
    adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.







    THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN




    [​IMG]
    Between 1 and 80, a man is like North Korea and Zimbabwe; ruled by a pair of nuts.


    THE END.
     
  9. extremenanopowe

    extremenanopowe Regular Member

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    One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket, takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.

    “Could you taste this for me, please?”

    The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it. “Does that taste sweet to you?” says Paddy.

    “No, not at all,” says the chemist.

    "Oh, that’s a relief,” says Paddy. “The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar.”
     
  10. extremenanopowe

    extremenanopowe Regular Member

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    A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

    Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
    "I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."
    The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer -- brands from 12 different countries including Germany, Holland, Japan, Czech Republic, etc.

    The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know... they have frozen glasses."
    He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that chunks of ice were forming out of the air on it.

    The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres. I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
    "You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out several kinds of hot, home-made hors d'oeuvres.

    "But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...."
    "You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? Fine! Sit your ass down, shut the hell up, drink your beer in your frozen mug, and eat your hors d' oeuvres because your married ass isn't going to a damned bar! Got it, jackass?"

    And they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?
     
  11. extremenanopowe

    extremenanopowe Regular Member

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    Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
    really pissed.

    She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

    The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

    Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

    She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

    Bob has been missing since Friday.
     
  12. kelana

    kelana Regular Member

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    Russian joke :)
    At a Customs checkpoint in Poland a guy in line gets up to the kiosk and hands his passport to the official, who scrutinizes it closely.
    "Name?" she asks
    "Gennady Gostoyovich"
    "Nationality?" she asks, looking closely at his face.
    "Russian"
    "Occupation?"
    "No, just a quick visit."
     
  13. Qidong

    Qidong Regular Member

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    A newer version - just change Poland to Ukraine. :)
     
  14. kelana

    kelana Regular Member

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    A Robot Bartender And IQ Level

    A Robot Bartender And IQ Level

    So....a guy goes into the clubhouse and there is a robot bartender. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says "Martini." The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.
    The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini". Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini", and the robot brings him another great martini. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50." The robot leans in real close and says, "So... you people still happy you voted for the Obozo?"

     
  15. extremenanopowe

    extremenanopowe Regular Member

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    A football coach walked into the locker room before a big game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we really need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, so the coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, - "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this: What is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had given the right answer. Suddenly, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"
     
  16. Qidong

    Qidong Regular Member

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    It may be a true story. :)
     
  17. kelana

    kelana Regular Member

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    Russian humor

    .
    Russian Deputy Prime Minister Dmitry Rogozin's plane en route to Chisinau, the capital of Moldova, was not allowed to enter Ukraine's airspace on Thursday, May 8, and had to take a detour via Bulgaria and Romania, Itar-Tass reports.

    "It's good that Ukraine is not Russia. Otherwise, the bypass would have taken 20 hours or so," he added.

    Russians have a nice sense of humor :D
     
  18. kelana

    kelana Regular Member

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    Magnetic desalinization process

    .
    Doctor Flamond: You see, a year ago, I was close to perfecting the first magnetic desalinization process so revolutionary, it was capable of removing the salt from over 500 million gallons of seawater a day. Do you realize what that could mean to the starving nations of the earth?

    Nick Rivers: Wow. They'd have enough salt to last forever.
     
  19. shooting stroke

    shooting stroke Regular Member

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    In order to stress out the consequences of always telling lies to their parents, David's mother told him that for such behavior in a long run, god can punished him and become blind. One day David's mother realizes that he is cheating about his exam results and complained to his father

    father; Where is David?
    Mother: He is upstairs in his room. Again he cheated about his exam results and i think you should talk to him

    While in David's room

    Father: David! why did you cheated about your exam result. You should take this issue seriously if you want to grow as an educated person. What is wrong with you?
    David: father, you are talking into the wrong way..........i am here.
     
  20. kelana

    kelana Regular Member

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    Monkey business

    .
    Selling monkeys

    Once upon a time in a village in a crowded continent, a man announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10.

    The villagers seeing there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

    The man bought thousands at $10, but, as the supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their efforts. The man further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

    Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to $25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

    The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now act as buyer, on his behalf.

    In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers, “Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when he returns from the city, you can sell them back to him for $50.”

    The villagers squeezed together their savings and bought all the monkeys.

    Then they never saw the man or his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere! Welcome to the wall street ways.
     

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